Pound the Pavement For Parenthood 2011

Registration is open! Please join us this year. If you didn't last year you missed out, but don't worry because this year is going to be even better! Click here or the picture on the right to see our website and learn how to register. Hope to see you all there! (yes, even you out-of-towners *wink*)

Infertlity Awareness Event

This week I had the priveledge of meeting with Kerstin Daynes. She is the author of Infertility: Help, Hope, and Healing as well as ldsinfertility.org which is an incredible resource. Amazing is an understatement. This woman has put so much work, time, and thought into her pursuit of raising awareness of infertility. She is putting on an event this year that you must attend if you are anywhere close to Salt Lake. Here is the info:

2nd Annual Utah Infertility Awareness Event
Saturday, April 30, 2011
University of Utah, Health Sciences Education Building, Room 1750
9:00am - Noon

Topics will include: Strengthening Relationships, Fears and Concerns of Third Party Reproduction, and Coping with Infertility

Presenters include:
Monica Ashton, MSW, LCSW, Psychotherapist, The Healing Group
Laura Czajkowski, Ph.D., Associate Professor, Department of Psychiatry, University of Utah
Kerstin Daynes, author of Infertility: Help, Hope, and Healing

Registration begins April 1st! Go to www.utahinfertilityawareness.com. It's a FREE event and seating is limited! There will also be a giveaway.

I will absolutely be there! I'm excited to help Kerstin however I can in this cause. It was wonderful talking with her. She understands the struggle and wants to help. And I love that. She is helping us with the 5k run and has already been a huge help. THANK YOU KERSTIN! (for all you do)

I hope to see you all at the event!

Rain

photo courtesy of Zoriah Photojournalist
Trials in life (and dare I say, infertility especially) can feel like a neverending storm with swirling winds and harsh rains. It can be some of the darkest times of life, and has been so for me.

At one point I feel I almost lost my faith, the one thing I never thought I could loose. It was terrifying. I had never felt that kind of...despair. It was "raining" down on me so hard that I couldn't see and was beginning to feel lost. It was a desperate, lonely, dark, and scary place. I instantly recognized my need and wondered how I would feel any sort of peace again and if this, my personal "storm", was ever going to let up.

It took some additional heartache, some deep soul searching, some repentance (of course), as well as some wise words from a man I call 'dad' to start me on a new course and approach. This new course not only affects my approach to my struggle with fertility, but to life in general, and specifically, the rainy parts.

This experience has changed me. This storm has helped me be better. It no longer seems like a curse or punishment, but rather, a blessing. For the change in perspective, I'm so grateful. Where would I be now without this experience? Most likely in that dark place. *shutter* I no longer feel that pain anymore. I don't feel the anger and bitter feelings that seemed to consume too much of my life. I know that I'll still feel emotional, but I know that through the atonement of my Savior, the pain seems to be leaving me and has been replaced with hope, comfort, and love... It's.simply.amazing.

At this point I can honestly say that I feel blessed because of the rain, because of the storm. The Lord is with me! And this storm is making me who I am. I feel like I am literally being led through the dark and unknown by a loving Father who knows me and is willing to carry me through it all. I just have to trust Him in order to let Him. This strength is available to all of us and is only a prayer away. What a blessing.

"Don't you fret...
I don't feel any pain.
A little fall of rain
Can hardly hurt me now.
You're here!
That's all I need to know.

And you will keep me safe.
And you will keep me close.
And rain will make the flowers grow.

Just hold me now,
And let it be.
Shelter me, comfort me.

The rain that brings you here
Is Heaven blessed!
The skies begin to clear
And I'm at rest.
A breath away from where you are.
I've come home from so far.

So don't you fret...
I don't feel any pain.
And rain,
Will make the flowers...
Grow."

I'm still in the thick of my storm, but now...I'm dancing in the rain and looking for the flowers.
It's a much better place to be.

Strong

"Strength isn't something you have. It's something God helps you find..."(if you haven't watched the Emma Smith movie, please do. inspiring.)
Sometimes it's hard to be strong.
Sometimes it's hard for me to be brave.
In the end though, I've found that when things aren't going 'right,'
when labs aren't normal,
and my body isn't acting how it's 'supposed to,'
I can find comfort knowing that God is in this.
He knows more than I do.
It doesn't matter what medication I take, or treatments I go through.
I believe that no matter what financial, physical, or emotional place I'm in,
He knows best.
He knows when.
He knows why.
He has a way that may not be my own...
but it's right.

Finding comfort and strength in this today.

"It is not the design of heaven that we be rescued from all difficult situations. Rather, it is the Lord's will that we learn to handle them."
-Joseph Fielding McConkie

I Had A Dream

I don't often have meaningful dreams. I don't know much about the meaning of dreams either. But I recently had one that has had me thinking ever since...

In my dream, Marv and I were walking slowly towards this mansion. It was the largest building I had ever seen. It was tall, ornate, and dark in color. It was not inviting whatsoever, but for some reason I knew I had to go inside. Marv walked behind with his arms around me and seemed to be guiding me forward. The way we were moving towards this larger-than-life building was almost graceful; like a dance, slow and careful. I was naked. I was twisting and turning in his arms trying to walk the other way. For some reason, I did not want to approach this place. I suddenly felt painful stings on my chest and stomach. I looked down to see that the front of me was red and burned. Marv was being so gentle with me, but was pushing me closer and closer. I approached the steps and the dream ended. I woke up crying. I felt vulnerable, anxious, scared... and so much love for Marv.

I will never forget this dream. It brought with it some deep emotion. Anyone out there able to interpret dreams? Email me please! And thank you.

Angry Birds and Heart Melt

Whenever my nephew sees me, he first asks, "Where's Alno?" I'm starting to think I'm being used for someone he sees as simply bigger and cooler... That's ok I guess.




I can't wait until a mini-Marv gets to enjoy simple things with this man. Oh...he will so enjoy every part of being a dad. I simply can't wait to see it...


Through tears last night, Marv expressed lessons he has learned through this trial. He's a special man, who will make an amazing father.

Standing by children...

Meanwhile, who knew two people addicted to Angry Birds could make me feel all...melt-y?

I'm Jill...

A couple of weeks ago my sister (who I totally adore) asked if I could come to a party she was hosting. She wanted to have as many bodies there as she could because so many of her friends showed little interest. I understood.

I guess I didn't listen much to the description of the class. All I heard was 'books' and that my sister needed me. I was there.

So last night, the class began. A cute blonde stood up and introduced herself. Amanda. She was a consultant for Usborne books...childrens books. She shared a little about herself; stay at home mom to a 20 month old. She got into selling these books because she wanted to build her library for her little boy who is of course oh so cute and wonderful and perfect. She told cute story after cute story about little Daniel, and then said,

"Let's start by going around the room and introducing ourselves. Just say your name and how many kids you have."

I wanted to somehow sneak out. I wanted to become invisible or quickly become narcoleptic; anything to get me out of the suddenly extremely uncomfortable situation. I could feel myself getting emotional.

The introductions began at the end opposite me.

"Hi. I'm Mandy. I have a 6 year old, a 3 year old, and this little guy." (as she craddled a sleeping baby in her arms)

Ohs and Awws...

"Hi. I'm Natalie. I have a 5 year old, a 3 year old, and a 1 year old."
"I'm Janese. I have 3 grandchildren and 1 on the way."
"Hi. I'm Amanda. I'm having a boy in June."

Ohs...and How excitings!...

I was the last one.
"I'm Jill..."

The room went quiet. I felt so awkward and out of place. I fought back tears again. I shouldn't have come here.

Amanda asked,
"And you don't have any kids?"
"No..."
"Well thanks for coming anyway."

For the next hour or so I continued to fight tears. I bit my lip everytime I thought they might spill over. Usborne books sells the cutest reading materials for little ones. I wanted so badly to let myself look and buy, but it just seemed silly. It was silly for me to be there. It was silly for me to be included in that group of women at that time. It was stupid of me to agree to this.

And I did it to myself.

I left as soon as I could. I don't think the party was over, but it was for me. As soon as I opened the door to leave, those tears were finally let loose. I cried all the way home. I went home and ran what Marv calls a "Jilly hot" tub with some aroma touch essential oil from Doterra. I got in the steaming water, hugged my knees to my chest, and cried some more...

Marv came home and found me in the tub, still crying. He comforted me as always, and as only he can. As always, his reaction was to protect me from this ever happening again. (impossible) He got defensive and angry that I would be put in the situation. I had to explain that I really had done it to myself. It was nobody's fault but my own. Whenever this happens he tries to make it better instantly when I know that there is nothing he can do. This is just part of it. And all I can do is feel it. And it's ok.

But man...that was rough.

Pound the Pavement for Parenthood 2010

October 15th I was discouraged after hearing that IVF was our only option. $12,000...(at least) After brainstorming with friends it was decided: yard sale, bake sale, 5K run. We had 3 weeks...three weeks to make these ideas work out to be successful fundraising.

I wasn't expecting huge success (I don't think any of us were) but we had tried so hard to get the word out about our little 5K. We were annoying to most people most likely, but it didn't matter. This was important to me. It was important to us. We had worked hard to make a difference, and we wanted to make it a good experience for all those who came to support us.

November 13th was the date. We were trying to beat the winter weather and were praying hard and hoping that cooler temperatures wouldn't scare away those who had committed to run.

6:00am that morning came quickly. It looked like midnight outside. I pulled Marv out of bed and put him to work hauling and moving, basically running any errand that suddenly came to mind. He's a good sport like that.

Everything was slowly coming together. Sarah and I hung the big banner with freezing fingers and got all of the raffle prizes displayed. We set up tables and signs. Balloons were placed at the start and finish. We had participant bags lined up and ready for finishers. The bake sale was stocked with delicious donated goods.




We could start to see our plans for the run come to life at the same time the rest of the world started waking up. There was still a lot to do and my fingers were numb now. Sarah and I decided to try to warm up for a bit in her car (all but 5 minutes) as we sent our husbands to recheck the route and hang more posters (oh and also, get ready to run boys!).

8:30am more "helpers" showed up and began to prepare their places and ask for direction on what they could do to help. We were very lucky to have so many wonderful friends and family who offered to volunteer in the early morning cold and during the run to help everything run smoothly. I was still praying it would warm up a bit for these wonderful runners.

9:05am our first runner showed up at the check in desk. I didn't recognize him. Butterflies also decided to show up at this time. Praying praying praying...for what? I didn't even know at that point.

9:40am I was surrounded by people, wonderful kind-hearted people who came to run. I was overwhelmed by the good people in my life: friends, neighbors, and family. I looked around to see that I didn't recognize near everyone that was there. Some of these generous people were strangers to me, lovely strangers who were touched by the struggle of infertility and came to show support for our desire to become parents.

9:55am, I told Becky that we should start having everyone head to the starting line. I couldn't speak in the megaphone. It was too much for me to speak to these runners who were bundled up and ready to "pound the pavement" for Marv and I. Too much.

10:00am, "On your mark, get set....GO!" I saw them start to run. I saw strollers being pushed. I heard people screaming "Woohoos!" I saw old friends, new friends, strangers, and my Marv running for us; for our family, for our children. I completely broke down. All of the work, late nights, and stress came to a head; a wonderful, glorious, humbling head. The emotion was one I have never before felt. It was happening. We had done it. And they were running.


Then I was nothing but a mess of tears; grateful relieving tears hiding behind a camera. I hugged my friends and said more prayers of thanks.

It warmed up during the run. I rode on the back of a neighbor's four-wheeler taking pictures of these people who were changing my life with each step they took on our crudely marked running route. There were so many smiles, waves, and cheers. I got emotional again on the back of that four-wheeler...








The winner ran it in 17 minutes. Crazy cool. I watched people finished. They were still smiling. Participation bags were passed out, as well as water and apples.

We had face painting and balloons for kids, and also enjoyed live music. It really was a good time, if I do say so.





11:00am we started the raffle. Coneys t-shirts and coupons. Oh how I LOVE Coneys. Great people and DELISH food. But seriously. Go check them out! We also gave away Etsy products and crafts, photography sessions, t-shirts, and gift cards.




One of the best parts of the day?...talking and meeting these wonderful supporters. (and did you notice the little guy in the top center? LOVE it)

(oh how wish I would've thought to take a group photo before everyone started to leave.)
The day ended for us with a trip to Coneys for custard and burgers, then home for essential oils and sweats in front of Harry Potter on Blue Ray. Oh...it was just perfect.

I will never forget November 13th. One of the best days of my life. I can't say thank you enough to Sarah and Becky, and our supportive husbands. It really wouldn't have happened without either one of these amazing women.


I am amazed at the participants, volunteers, donors, and sponsors who offered help in such a short amount of time. Thank you. Thank you all so much.
Love, Allen and Jill


So how do I know if this was a success? For me, Pound the Pavement for Parenthood ended up being a huge success mainly because this (now) organization is going to give us opportunity to meet and help so many wonderful deserving couples who are also wanting to become parents.

I met the Greens this weekend, a very special couple we have chosen to help plan their race this year. It's going to be bigger and better...and just as special. Pound the Pavement for Parenthood - May 14th. Mark your calendars and look for more details coming soon. You don't want to miss this opportunity to rally together and support this cause and especially these incredible people.

Amanda and Austin, I.Can't.Wait.

Harold B. Lee

"By faith in God you can be attuned to the Infinite, and by power and wisdom obtained from your Heavenly Father harness the powers of the universe to serve you in your hour of need in the solution of problems too great for your human strength or intelligence."

The Hardest Part is the Hardest Part

Every woman who is fighting with fertility has a difficult time when other women announce their pregnancy. The 9 months following that announcement brings some pain with it as well. It just happens. We can't help it and neither can they. It's not that we are wishing ill will for that mom-to-be (or for heavens sake the precious babe). It isn't that we hate their good news either. It's just a reminder that the miracle still hasn't happened for us.

I think we can all agree that certain comments or attitudes towards pregnancy and motherhood in general can be blood boiling. Any comment that makes light of the miracle of pregnancy and child birth or ingraditude for the opportunity of becoming a mother sends me through the roof, and I don't mind telling people so (you can imagine). Overly whiney women or those who carry with them this sense of entitlement while pregnant are equally irriating.

I've noticed since talking to other "club members" that there are certain triggers to the woes of infertility. It seems the hard parts are different for each of us. It could simply be the complaints of others that are the hardest. Sometimes it's the baby showers, baby blessings, or holidays that are the most painful.

There is longing in this trial, whatever it is; longing for specific feelings and experiences in the process of becoming a mother. When others are experiencing and living our deepest dreams and specific desires, it's just hard. Some women long for the actual pregnancy more than any other part of it; to feel a growing child move inside of them and to feel that initial motherly bond (oh...). Some can't wait to enjoy the different stages of a child's growth. I've even heard one woman express her sincere desire for a teenage girl! (wow!)

For me, by far the hardest part is in fact the "hard part." I long for the actual delivery and hospital experience. It is so difficult for me to have a friend or family member in the hospital ready to deliver. The few days/weeks afterwards where the only focus is their new little family addition nearly kills me every time. I can't wait to experience that! I can't wait to feel the pain, the adrenaline, and the love we will have as labor and delivery happens. I want to be sore and exhausted from performing the special act of birthing a child. (call me crazy) I picture my husband holding our first (albeit slimey) child for the first time and every time, I ache...then I tear up.

Oh, it will be special indeed...
That is the hardest part for me.

What about you? Do share.

Note: Please! This is all difficult, but I do believe the "hardest part" is specific to each of us.

Complete Epiphany

Last night was game night. Just me, Marv, a stack of games, and the best songs from every good musical (so the best! period) playing on CD. It was simple, but oh so fun! I had an epiphany during our game of Rummikub; an honest-to-goodness moment of clarity.

For the last 3 years I have been waiting, praying, and preparing for me to finally feel complete. I've always thought, 'When we have children, then our family will be complete.' 'When I get to fulfill my role as wife and mother, then I will feel like I am fulfilling my life's purpose.' 'When I get to experience that part of life, then I will be able to experience all of the emotion and love that this life has to offer.' And so on...

Last night, during our 4th game of Skip-Bo, I turned and looked at Marv. He was doing "the Carlton" (and quite well I might add) to a song from Hairspray, and at that moment I realized; 'if my life is this and only this for the rest of forever, I will live a great and happy life.'

This thought triggered a rush of emotions and insight. I learned more at that moment about the plan that God has for me than I feel I ever have. And who knew that Skip-Bo would do that for a person?!

I expressed all of my revelations as they came to mind, "We'll be ok... I'll be ok!... We're going to be happy!... I am satisfied and feel complete... I'm finally there!" Marv (the smart and faithful man that he is) then looked me square in the eyes and said, "I've been there for a while..."

I've come to that point. I've come to accept whatever God's will. And I mean it. Up to this point, perhaps I never truly had. Maybe this is yet another part of the process I've had to go through and come to. I know the Lord knows what will make me happy, better than I do. I think in a way I have had blinders on during this process. For me, I get so fixated on baby, BABY, BABY that I don't turn around too often to see and enjoy the life that is mine right now. Graditude, yes. But last night was more than just 'counting my blessings.' I felt like I was... filled. It was a unique experience.

Yes, we are going to do IVF. Yes, I will still have good and bad days. BUT, if we don't have kids in this lifetime, we will be ok. We will play, dance, sing, and love for forever. And how perfect is that?!

I am complete.
I am happy.
And it's in large part because of him.

Poor Me Wave (and jabs at my uterus)

Sometimes I wake up in the morning and instantly know that it's going to be what I call a "bad baby day." I just know that inevitably at some point during the day I'm going to want to scream, which will lead me to tears, and of course be the reason I find myself eating a lot of chocolate in the comfort of my couch waiting for Marv to come home and make the world look good once more. But I'm not going to post about that again, am I? (well, not today) No. But I do have some to say about myself falling victim to the wave of 'poor me.'

Sometimes blogs make me sad. Sometimes looking at facebook makes a good day not so much. Am I alone in this?... I often find myself getting discouraged because of the most trivial things. It's almost always something silly, but sometimes those silly things start to feel more like small jabs at my heart (and uterus).

When I look at others play-by-play of life, I sometimes feel this wave of sad come over me. Then negative thoughts and questions come to my mind. What good does that do?! Really. Here are a few of todays negative musings:

"When will it be my turn?..."
"Why does everyone have that dang pregnancy countdown on their sidebar?!"
(no offense)
"I want to take pictures of my growing belly...
(usually in a whiney voice)"
Silly? Yes. But it happens.

I've decided I'm going to block those little jabs from now on. (my uterus has had enough lately anyway - blame Dr Heiner). I have enough "bad baby days" as it is. Why do anything, no matter how small, that will invite negative thinking? I'm just going to stop. I'm trying to stay as positive as I can through all of this (while still allowing myself to feel), so when I sense that a wave of poor me is starting to build, and can see that something silly has created that wave...

I'm out.

Ready

"I waited patiently for the Lord; and He inclined unto me, and heard my cry. He brought me up also out of an horrible pit, out of the miry clay, and set my feet upon a rock, and established my goings. And he hath put a new song in my mouth, even praise unto our God: many shall see it, and fear, and shall trust in the Lord. Blessed is that man that maketh the Lord his trust."
Psalm 40:1-4
I feel much better.
After a lot of prayers,
I finally feel confident.
It will be ok,
no matter what happens.
I'm ready for it,
every scary and risky part of it.

Thank you all for the encouraging emails. I want to hug each of you. So...pretend. I pray for each one of you amazing women, so please know that I'm here; ready to listen and share in your struggle. We can do this!

Doubt

Today I woke up with a yucky feeling. That has been happening to me occasionally when I think about IVF and me. (I can't help but wonder if we'll make a good couple?) There are so many questions and zero answers. I get this sick feeling in my stomach and a clouded head where no matter how I try, I can't make sense of anything. I feel like I can't think straight, and nothing I'm doing or supposed to be doing seems right or satisfying. Nothing. I've decided this is doubt and I'm not handling it well...

Last week I began to think about the New Year. I love how each January 1st we get an opportunity to refresh. I have set goals just like everyone for 2011 and I've been off to a good start (about 1 week). I avoided the cliche weight lose resolution (although I could stand to loose a few). Instead, I decided to focus on my spiritual and emotional self this year. I have really been enjoying the results from the changes I've made. These changes are small, so the kind I can stick with, but I'm anticipating big benefits in different aspects of life for both Marv and I. I'm excited about it.

What I'm hoping now is for my yucky feelings to somehow be remedied by my new 2011 approach to happiness...because this is just uncomfortable.

(Please note: at times I do get excited and feel 'ready' for our IVF. I go back and forth quickly. Weird. Can any of my IVF sisters shine some light on me?)

Holidays

'Are they harder for you?'

I was asked that question recently so of course, I started thinking. Here's my answer. No.

The holidays make me reflect on life's experiences, as well as be so thankful for the good family and friends that I have. It's fun for me to be able to play with neices and nephews and experience a little of Christmas through their eyes. How exciting is this time of year for children?! So many people around to play with, treats to eat, presents to open, toys to play with, traditions, stories, games, laughing, staying up late...does it get better?!

It really is the most wonderful time of the year. During all of these festivities, do I think of my reality of not having children yet? Yes! But, instead of going to that sad place, I start to dream...

What will Santa be like at our house? What kind of fun family traditions will we do in our family? How will we always keep Christ as the center?
I know it can be difficult, and it is so easy to go down that slippery slope of despair and 'why', but this has helped me. For now, the holidays will stay a time of dreaming. You should try it. I hope you all had a wonderful Christmas. Looking forward to New Years!

Feel

I have received some amazing emails over the last couple of days. I'm working on responding to each one. After that article "hit the fan," even more internet angels have come into my life, and I've gained more and deeper perspective. So cool.

I did get some surprising emails as well. I'll explain.

I spent the day Monday crying on/off reading email after email of well wishes, stories of hope, advice, and getting introduced to sisters in the struggle (the "club" if you will - please don't join). I now have more women to pray for unfortunately, but that many more opportunities to celebrate the day they tell me their little miracle happened.

Another facet of this perspective has come that I didn't anticipate. Unfortunately I was hurt by some. I feel like some women who at one point experienced the lonliness of infertility...forget somehow. They forget how it feels to deal. Perhaps they get caught up finally being knee deep in diapers and chasing toddlers that they look back on their former self and laugh, as if she were some silly girl who didn't realize the good things that were going to happen. I was advised to "stop crying..."

I'm sorry. I'm not able to see the future. All I can see is what I learn from the past. I can tell you honestly that everything I've learned through this experience is what I've allowed myself to feel during it. To feel, is to learn. So I will not change or appologize for how I currently feel, whether it is hope or discouragement or even sadness. I will feel. And I encourage you to do the same. There is no shame in this.

Crying to me does not mean weekness, hopelessness, or depression. It means I'm letting my heart hurt and heal and learn what I need to. So excuse me for not taking that advice. I will stay hopeful, but I will also cry when I feel like I need to cry. I hope that when (note the positive thinking) I have babies of my own, I won't "look back at my former self and tell her to stop crying." I'm going to look back at her and see the growth that comes from feeling through painful learning experiences. This is a process afterall. And feeling is a big part of it.

Keep feeling "club" memebers!..and may I suggest to the alumni, remember.

A quick thank you to "my Diana." What would I do without you?

Deseret News

Hikari did a wonderful job. People have been asking me when this article would run. Well, here you go. It's in this morning's paper. Click here to view the full article. Thank you Hikari!

To Be Able

The last few days have been hard. Who knows why? In some ways the hard days have been harder with our daunting plan always poking at me in the back of my mind. I can't shake the discouraging reality of $$$. It's pathetic how that silly paper can run our lives, even emotionally. I've determined I am not going to let it.

We found out some bad news this week. $26,000 instead of $12,000. Ok. Then yesterday for some reason I became completely unstable at church. I couldn't get it together.

It had already been a hard couple of days. There were baby blessings (of course, fast sunday), but I was ready for it. The first one, a little boy. I'm ok. The second blessing was a little girl, cutest little family blessed with two darling boys (one who we teach in our sunbeams class) and now this precious little girl. Her dad and the other men circled around her to give her a name and a blessing. In the blessing her dad said, "I bless you to be able to have children..."

I came unglued.

These words for some reason made me start...grieving (for lack of a better term) like I never had before. I thought of all the women out there who are, have, and will struggle with "being able." What if this new little one would have to? I thought of my friends and those who I have come in contact with through this blog, all women who are good and deserving wanna-be mothers. Why so hard for us?! I thought of my own struggle (pity party moment) and how badly I just want my babies here. I will do whatever it takes... And all of this just hurt my heart. I was physically, emotionally, and mentally hurting.

Then everywhere I looked in that chapel, I saw babies, and I couldn't take it anymore. We left with me cowering and hiding my sobs. I felt embarrassed and silly.

Oh to be able ...

Gratitude

I have learned that gratitude can make any situation better. It is a habit that can be cultivated, and an attitude that should be adopted...especially in me. I believe that as we strive for more gratitude in life, in every experience, we will be more able to see the silver lining. There is good in all things. There is much to be learned and appreciated through this and all other life processes and struggles. May we all continue to look for these things, even beyond this short but important holiday of Thanksgiving. I hope you all had a wonderful weekend and are enjoying the season. It's magical to me.
i will post about the run soon. stay tuned

Daily Herald

Pound the Pavement for Parenthood 5k made the paper! Thanks Lib. Here's a link if you are interested. It was exciting to see even though it's not entirely accurate. I didn't say the things she said I did (Marv should get the credit). Also, not a fantastic picture. Misrepresentation for sure. Marv looks... ?? And I rolled out of bed that morning (who expects a reporter to show up at your yard sale?) and hid behind Marv which only made me look like a timid little wife... if you know me, you know that is not true. It's a very nice article nevertheless. The 5k was wonderful. It was a special day for me. I'll tell you more about it soon, and I'll include some photos. It could not have been more perfect.

Strangest

Strange...when I recently started my favorite time of the month in all my monthly endo glory, I was nothing but relieved. One reason being, I was 6 days late. I'm sure stress from all this fundraising chaos threw me right off my regular 29 day cycle and I'm just anxious to try to regulate my body again.

I'm sorry body. I'll try to treat you better to include regular eating and sleeping in that treatment plan. Ok. Forgive me?
Even though that time is never glamorous or enjoyable, it felt freeing to know that the emotional crash that has accompanied my period for years wasn't going to come this time, let alone consume me for days at a time. I knew pregnancy wasn't going to happen right now. I know the next step for us in order to help it happen.

Stranger then...that today I'm having a hard (what I call) "baby day." Out of the blue it has hit me again, all those emotions of lonely wanting. It's found me as usual when I least expect it. It's hard to understand why.

Afterall, I have so many good things going on right now.

1. We just had a killer yard sale that left all involved with planning and carrying out satisfied and thankful. Even the Daily Herald showed up to support us! (and took a picture of me and Marv which was perfect because I rolled out of bed just so in order for Utah County to see me in my natural state - awesome. Except it really was, albeit unexpected).

2.We have the first Pound the Pavement for Parenthood 5k this weekend and we're hopeful for a good turnout and we know that it will be a fun day regardless. Please join us, won't you?

I'm surprised at what I'm feeling today. I thought this lonely part was supposed to be over now that we have a plan. As we work toward this new medical (financial) goal, I thought it would only bring confidence. Now I know. I'm sure I was just naive to think I was rid of those feelings. It's only just begun as they say, the feeling of unknown. The build up of hope will be insane with this procedure. I don't want to think about it anymore...

3 more days until the 5k run/walk! Today is the last day to pre-register! I can't believe it's finally here. I couldn't be more anxious, nervous, excited, and relieved. I really hope to see all of you there!

Please come support this cause. It means a lot to me...and to you. You're reading this aren't you?

Good November

For me, November brings with it clarity. After the candy rush from Halloween leaves my system, it seems I'm able to focus on important things. I have much to be thankful for. Especially right now in my life and current life-happening, it's clear and right here for me to see how blessed I really am.

Mostly, the people in my life are the huge realized current blessing. What would I do without these people? That question has left me stumped many times over the last 18 days. I have two friends who have stepped up...I mean, stepped up big time! Thank you to those two friends again and again. ("love you, bye!")

When faced with life challenges like this, you do indeed see who your real and true friends are, as well as the character of those with whom you associate with. Believe it or not, insensitivity has reered it's ugly face in bigger ways than the usual, which wasn't suprising but always disappointing. It's been...enlightening to say the least.

It is a very strange and difficult thing for me to ask for help. Asking for help suggests my inability to take care of it myself, a feeling I'm uncomfortable with. Beyond that, opening up and letting the world know and asking it to be a part of this very personal part of me is more than vulnerable...it's a raw, exposed feeling. It's uncomfortable. I'm living with this new uneasy feeling and with it has come some amazing experiences as people show genuine concern and generosity towards me and Marv. It's been a special thing to witness. It's overwhelming. It's changed me.

Today I'm just so thankful for people, the good people who have shown their true colors in amazing ways. The world really is full of people with heart. I'm thankful to be able to glimpse into that rare and necessary part of the heart and soul of humankind.

Website Launched!

FINALLY! So many hours, sweat, and tears have gone into getting Pound the Pavement for Parenthood website up and going.
I'm so relieved...I can't even attempt to explain how I feel.
If you are interested at all in joining us, please register! There are so many of you that I would love to meet afterall, and what better way?
Hope to see you all there!

Little Miracles

"And if thou shouldst be cast into the pit, or into the hands of murderers, and the sentence of death passed upon thee; if thou be cast into the deep; if the billowing surge conspire against thee; if fierce winds become thine enemy; if the heavens gather blackness, and all the elements combine to hedge up the way; and above all, if the very jaws of hell shall gape open the mouth wide after thee, know thou, my {daughter}, that all these things shall give thee experience, and shall be for thy good." D&C 122:7

The last few days have been a whirlwind, an emotional rollercoaster, and an opportunity to watch the Lord at work. In many ways, this not-even-a-week-since-the-appointment, has been some of the hardest days of my last three years.

People may wonder why. Afterall, "this is so exciting to have a plan...at least {I} know the next step...and now {we} know what {we} need to do..." All of this is all very fine and good. In a small way it is comforting, but it should be said and realized that many lonely emotions come with knowing and digesting our very slim chances, as well as doing all I can to raise these precious funds to try just a little harder to get our babies here.

I think people view IVF as for sure. Perhaps that is why I get the responses I do...as if the journey is over. It is just starting. In a way, this process is a whole other journey in itself. I've felt and started to deal with a whole set of different and deeper emotions. Hopefully, just like all hard things, I will come out better for it.

I've been blessed to recognize the little miracles that are happening around me. The Lord truly works through other people. I read an email from a friend yesterday that brought comfort, and I believe what was said, "It is simply not intended for any of us to lift the load alone." I can avidly say, I have not been lifting this load on my own. Whenever it starts to feel that way, someone is sent to help and lift me up. Miracle.

I will be forever grateful to those who are so willingly and selflessly helping me to get things organized and planned. I learned last night that the 5K is going to happen on November 13th without any purchase of permit through the city (which is in my opinion an act of God). I don't know exactly how this is all happening so fast, but I know why...and I know who is in charge.

I hope you can find comfort today in recognizing the small miracles that take place throughout this process: the friendships that are made, the small windows of comfort that are granted after prayer, the way we can be guided in all things and especially in the decisions we make. Most importantly, I hope we can focus on the people we can be after this "billowing surge conspires" against us. I hope we can glimpse at the way we are seen in His eyes, and know that it is best. I know He is molding me into who He wants me to be, and I believe that is where the true and lasting miracle lies.

"And whoso receiveth you, there I will be also, for I will go before your face. I will be on your right hand and on your left, and my Spirit shall be in your hearts, and mine angels round about you, to bear you up." D&C 84:88

For Sure

The shower is definitely the best place for crying, weeping, sobbing, any break down of any kind, really.
In case you were wondering, it is.
Rough day, rough night...
Praying for peace today, as well as for many of you.

5K Update

I'm excited (and a bit overwhelmed) to be planning this 5K run. There's alot that goes into it! Who knew?!

Last night, 2 dear friends joined me in my living room for a bit of brainstorming. I sat there rather numb. My mind is still spinning I suppose... Those two lovely women have been and will continue to be a huge help and support to Marv and I. I really love them. Perhaps they didn't know what they were getting into when they decided to be my friend. Suckers! (*wink*)

We've decided that "Pounding the Pavement for Parenthood"(clever huh?) will take place November 13 (tenatively). The race will start at 10 am and will end at a park where we will enjoy a bake sale, goodie bags for participants, and possibly some live entertainment. There will also be raffles to be involved in where you can win gift certificates from various local venders. I think it really will be a fun day (and emotional for me I'm sure).

Pre-registration will be $15 and will go through November 6. I'll be putting up a link soon to get registration going. Same-day registration will be $20 and all donations will be genuinely appreciated.

I've also decided that if all goes well and this race is a success I'd really like to keep it going in years to come. Perhaps I could help another couple who has been struggling with fertility. No matter if this treatment works for us or not, I want to help. Infertility is a cause that will never leave me and I hope to make a difference no matter how small.

Please let me know if you are at all interested in helping with this charity run: donating, sponsoring, volunterring, or running/walking. I hope to get alot of people involved not only for our benefit, but for infertility awareness, as well as advertising for local small businesses. I hope this can be something that will help people realize how many people are affected by this struggle and support those of us who are.

Now, I can't express my appreciation for the support we have felt so far. I have been so touched by caring emails from women (strangers until now) who have shared their stories of hope and encouragement with me the last few days. It makes a huge difference for me to stay positive through this process and these emails have been an answer to prayers. Thank you for taking the time. I am so grateful for it.

I hope to meet and chat with any readers someday.
Perhaps at the 5K?
Or maybe through photography? (if you are interested, click here)
I really do feel blessed for the people in my life and for the support I've felt.
Thank you more than I can say.

Love,

Jill (mom wanna-be, photographer, yard saleswoman, and race director?)

Our New Plan

Well, it's done. We did it. It's over. We went and spent an hour with a reproductive specialist discussing our issues, dreams, desires...and money. We now have a definite plan. (however daunting it may seem)

The doctor was great. He had a nice office and a grandpa vibe about him. It was strangely comforting.

Turns out our chances for conceiving on our own is a whopping 4%. He said we shouldn't even try IUI because the amount of scarring from my endometriosis. Along with that, the probable "hostile chemical environment" from the wretched disease makes it so sperm/embryo don't really stand a chance. Awesome body, awesome.

I learned alot more about endometriosis and the causes so if you're interested, let me know and I will share the nasty news.

After we talked with my new "grandpa" friend, we met with his nurse and financial assistant. They threw schedules and numbers at us. I think we were both fairly numb at this point. I don't know how much was really digested. I remember looking at Marv while we waited for more paperwork, "As soon as we walk outta here, I'm going to cry." (I was so brave the whole time) His response? "Why because you're going to get a baby?!" (difference between men and women my blogging friends)

So we walked outta there.
And I cried for around 2 hours...

Now I'm racking my brain trying to figure out ways to raise and save money. I have a HUGE yard sale in mind, photo sessions to basically give away (in hopes of raising ok money quickly - and overwhelming myself in a photography way), and hopefully putting on a 5k run. More details to come.

PLEASE let me know if you can help out in any way. Anything will help! Ideas, donations, anything! If you work for a company who may be interested in donating or helping out with a run, will you please email me?

It's a vulnerable and humbling experience to ask for help, but we'll do whatever we have to in order to get our babies here.

Much love world,

Jill and Allen

(and won't he make an amazing father?!...sigh)

Questions to Prepare?

I've been a little nervous this week. Here's why: I'm seeing the specialist of miracles soon and quite frankly I don't think I'm ready for the challenge just yet. What's the challenge you ask? Well, one thing you must realize is when you get the chance to speak to such specialists about specifically you and your actual situation, well...it's valuable time friends. These people perform miracles! Apparently miracle workers (and their time) cost regular people like me and Marv some major money. The challenge then becomes being prepared to make the most of your allotment, and so, your money.

So...
Lately I've been trying to think of all the possible questions I might have at the time. And by "time" I mean throughout the entire process of whatever the miracle worker decides. Actually, anything I may want to address or consider should be brought up at this very visit, this special me time with my miracle worker! I mean really, how am I to anticipate what questions I will have and what to address in order to cover all the unknown issues that may come up during this very aggressive route Marv and I have/may decide to take?

Clearly, I will have to summon all my psychic powers to try to determine what issues, problems, side effects, and concerns I may have in the next few months.

Difficult, yes?
I should ask for help, no?

And so...I am.

emails/comments always welcome and appreciated.

Chiropractor

She has really screwed me up. I've had two adjustments, one Friday and another yesterday. Today the world won't stop spinning. I don't think I've ever been this dizzy. I've felt like I'm going to fall over multiple times and nausea has set in. I feel terrible. I've had headaches since Friday and I move like a 90 year old woman. I'm so sore...

...not loving this.

What's Fair?

I was talking with a good friend of mine the other day. Like me, she is struggling with infertility. It's good to release emotion and even better to do so with someone who truly understands; which is why one thing she said shocked me. I've heard this same feeling expressed since, from other women:

"I feel bad complaining to you. I haven't been going through it as long as you have, so it's really not fair for me to complain..."

What?! I just want to make one thing quite clear. In my mind, no matter how long you've been wanting/trying for pregnancy, no matter what treatments you've tried or health situation you're dealing with, none of this is fair! We are all dealing with the same emotions and riding the same rollar coaster every month. None of it is fun or fair to handle. There are hundreds...thousands of women who have been trying for a lot longer than I have, but I don't feel sorry complaining openly to the universe about how difficult it is. Because it is!

Please please please try not to compare to others! If anything, that is what's unfair. Comparing your situation to another woman/couple is just one more negative emotion for you to deal with, one more feeling of insecurity and inadequacy. Don't do it to yourself!

I think we all can (and need to) recognize this trial for what it is...HARD. Don't feel sorry for feeling the emotions you do during this process, and DO NOT add to it! Feeling is healing. Let yourself feel and don't give excuses or (for goodness sake) make it worse.

I hope I don't hear this again, because my heart aches for every woman that has expressed this to me. It's not fair for you to treat yourself that way. If anything I'm grateful to talk to anyone who can empathize with me at all...no need to compare.

Some days are hard, some more than others. I'm not afraid to say it, and neither should you!

If you need someone to talk to...here I am.

Really.