Didn't Make It

Today I experienced something I never had before.
Today I didn't make it to the bathroom in time.
(not for any reason you may be thinking).
Today some of my co-workers saw me breakdown...
an incredibly vulnerable state for the workplace.
It's been horrible today, and it was the first time I couldn't control myself.

I work at Alpine Pediatrics. Pediatrics. That means I'm surrounded by children. all.day.long. I see and work with newborns everyday. I see how some kids are treated, both good and terrible. Quite often at work, I've found myself in the bathroom. It's the only place I can go when it's just too much.

I cry.
I control.
I carry on.
(usually)
But today...I didn't make it.

All Around

Pregnacy is all around me. Really. I believe everyone in my small little part of the world is swollen with child. It's been like this for years now. Trust me.

This is the cycle so far as I know it:
First, every woman I see, talk to, work with, or live by announce to me their joys of expecting. Often it's a secret just for me to know, which I really don't understand. Is that supposed to make me feel so special? Although, I appreciate the gesture.

Second, I watch as they prepare. They get to buy clothes, furniature, and other preparatory cuteness in order to welcome their unborn in the most comfortable way. In other words, they celebrate; usually for 8 months or so. And of course, I get to witness and participate in the showering kind of such celebration.

Third, they complain because it's just oh so hard. They are so uncomfortable and the reality of pregnancy just sucks for them. I'm sure it really is uncomfortable. I get that. I do...but I don't. Is it really so terrible? You are carrying a child to health! Please enjoy that ability. I have vowed to perhaps focus on the health of my child, more than choose a 'get it outta me' attitude.

Fourth, they continue their complaints until the joyous day when a miracle arrives. They forget how uncomfortable it was to have a foot in your ribs or a contraction or two. Rarely are they sorry for previous complaints of said miracle, although, didn't your perfect little one teach you that maybe you should be?

Fifth, after a year or two, they "try" for a couple of months (if) and the cycle starts over again.

This completes the recurring cycle of my emotional life. I'm going to be honest here. (the reason I created this blog) I hate this cycle. I'm so done with it.

I called Dr Heiner today and set up an appointment. He is a specialist of miracles. I get to consult with him about all my woes and problems next month. Hopefully he can help me...before the next cycle begins.

It's truth according to me. Sorry if I offend.

Kristina the Chiropractor

Yesterday I was able to meet with Kristina. She is a chiropractor in Salt Lake City who specializes in women's health and infertility. Yes, you read that right...a chiropractor with that specialty. I was intrigued, and I'm already trying the homeopathic method, so I made an appointment. I was referred to her by a friend of a friend. (thanks Sarah) Kristina and I talked for over an hour about different methods of acheiving health and healing. It was interesting.

For those who don't know, I work in the medical field so I have a love and appreciation for western medicine and hope to work in the field for a long time. Most people in the medical community seem look at chiropractic methods as merely a position above massage therapy, with no 'real' treatment. Perhaps both ends claim too much. I have recently found a new appreciation and acceptance of more natural ways and believe there can be a balance found. I explained to Kristina about this balance of treatment. She agreed.

The human body is amazing, and it's ability to heal and repair is something I continue to find facsinating. Kristina explained to me that she believes the nervous system has alot to do with how our bodies not only function, but how well it is able to heal and repair itself. She claims that if something in the system is off (alignment of vertebrae/subluxation), messages may not be delivered as effectly as it possibly could, which then affects how an organ/organ system may function. She also told me that if my pelvis isn't aligned, my uterus may not be placed in the proper position to conceive. She simply asked that I keep an open mind while working with her. I'll give anything a try at this point...I have so far.

I don't know if this woman will be able to help me conceive as she claims, but if anything...perhaps she can help with my low back pain?

The take away message for me was: In order for treatments to work more effectively (whatever treatment it may be), my body will function properly when all my systems are working together as well as they can. I DO believe that and I'm excited to work with Kristina this month and attempt to acheive more health...her way.

If anyone is interested in meeting with Kristina, she told me she would give free consultations, X-rays, and scans if you give my name when scheduling. Not a bad idea. She's terribly sweet and genuinely wanting to help as many women as possible.

Any thoughts?

Pardon Me

Have you ever felt so insecure with yourself that you've felt out of place even in the most familiar circumstance?
Have you ever felt stress; the kind of stress that stretches you so thin, you forget who you are and what you know?
Here I am.
And I'm trying to figure it (me) out.
If you can't tell, there is much that is going through my thought processes.
Please excuse me while I try to make sense of it all, and try to piece myself back together.



While we all wait for that to happen...
Does anyone have any insight on the effects of stress and infertility? I'm curious and would love to hear from anyone who could enlighten me. Please comment or email with any advice or love. I would surely appreciate it.
Thank you.