OK

My mother-in-law is in the ICU. She has been there for over a week fighting infections and multi-system organ failure. She is putting up an impressive fight. Medically, I just don't understand how she is still around, at her age, totally beating the odds. Allen's mother has lived for her children. She had 10 of them of her own and lost just as many from miscarriage. She would do anything for any one of them, including her in-laws. She is a mother who has faught for her children since day one. And she is still fighting...

Needless to say, we've been spending a LOT of time in the ICU. The other night I started talking to one of her nurses. Somehow infertility came up. I honestly don't know how the topic always seems to enter conversations around me. Trust me, I am NOT the one to bring it up.

This sweet nurse told us how she tried for TWELVE years to have a baby. It finally happened for her. She expressed how miracluous the process was, what a special child she was able to raise, how worth it everything seemed. After she expressed her feelings, Allen told how we have been desparately trying and hoping for our own children. She turned to me and said, "Don't give up hope. It can happen for you too."

I told her how I knew that she must have felt some deep and terrible emotions going through that for so long. She paused and then looked me square in the eyes and quietly said, "...you have too." She was most sincere and suddenly I was filled with hope and love.

This experience was a tender mercy for me which came out of nowhere and happened in an ICU patient room. As one mother faught for her life to be able to have more time with her children, another expressed her love for her own miracle, as I longed for my own. I felt the love of women that night. It was special. I'm glad I have that love inside of me. The love of a woman is real and deep. It's somehow satisfying knowing that I have that ability in me. Children here or not, I love the same deep way and somehow, that makes it seem ok for now.

I am going to be Ok.

Sick

I'm sick of hurting. And this time I mean physically.
I'm sick of feeling ill for no good reason.
I'm sick of this wretched disease.
I'm really sick of hearing women around me complain about pregnancy/children.
I wish they would just stop and recognize the miracle. Please?

It's hard to think that every month with all the pain and blood, my condition is worsening.
I don't want to have that surgery again.
Will I have to?

Pregnancy will be wonderful in so many ways.
It will stop my pain, even for a bit.
It will slow the damage.
...and it will be our baby...

I appologize now for being a little down lately. (but that's what you get for reading the truth)
I'll be on the up swing soon.
Life really is good.
Today is just a rough day.

I want only to snuggle up on the couch with my pain meds and a good book that will take me out of reality even for a few hours...
A hug from Allen will help too.
It always does.

Left Out

I have some wonderful friends. Have I mentioned that before? Well, I'm quite certain a girl couldn't ask for a more fun and supportive group of friends. I had the opportunity to see and talk with some of my dearest friends this week. It's a motivating thing for me to spend time with these women. Some of them go back with me to elementary school. Now that is friendship! I feel lucky to have them in my life. They are sweet and funnny, beautiful and smart. They are good women and amazing mothers.


It should be noted here that these photos don't have show all of my lovely friends...Milli, I miss you terribly.
At my age and stage of life, play dates and babysitting swaps are the norm. It's just part of a mothers life. The other day I came home during my lunch break and saw that one of the women down the street had set up a tent in her front yard. There were a bunch of kids playing in and out of it. The mothers of these children stood by watching, talking, and laughing.

I sat there for a minute in my driveway...
I thought of what it might be like to join them...
Then I thought of my own friends; these women I look up to and love to be around...
They get together often with their own kids...
In a way, at that moment, I felt just a little left out.

This is nothing that can be remedied or avoided. It's not like they are making me feel left out. I feel their support and friendship everytime I see them. It's just the stage. The stage I'm waiting patiently (sometimes not so patiently) to be in; where I feel like I should be...
And this is where I am...

Worthy?

Somedays I wonder.
I wonder if I'm good enough; worthy enough to be blessed with a child.
I don't know if I am, or if I ever will be.
It's not a poor me feeling.
I don't have this thought only on my down days.
I just wonder.
It's amazing to me when I look at a baby and think about how it's possible that any of us are blessed with this responsibility;
to teach them how to be.
The Lord trusts us to raise them.
The child trusts us to teach.
Do I trust ME??
Humbling.

I wonder...

I don't know if I'll be a good mom.
I don't know when I'll even be blessed with the opportunity.
All I know is that I will work on myself, and try to become my best self.
I will pray.
I will work.
I will DO whatever it takes to try to become more worthy.

As an update, this current regimen I'm doing is going well. I feel good, although I still haven't lost the extra weight I gained with the meds I was taking before I went the homeopathic route. Oh well. The only side effects I've had with these drops is pain and growing (rapid, painful, annoying growing) in... certain areas. I hope my prolactin level is still under control.

That is all I'll say. I'm sure you wanted to know. ;)