'Believe'

I've found that there are certain persons who seem to waltz into my life just when I need them.
Does that happen to you?
I feel so lucky.
I believe that someone somewhere knows that I need these people and that someone somewhere seems to align the universe just right in order for me to discover these perfectly placed people.
(wow. vague and aliteration. awesome)

I have a friend. I've known him my whole life (we'll call him Mark). He's married now...to my new friend (we'll call her Che). I've known her for only a few measley months, but those months must be longer than most, I swear. We met eachother for the first time for lunch at Kneaders (without my friend, the husband. aren't we adventurous?) She was so easy to talk to. Smart. Grounded. Supportive. We got along well.

Recently, she sent me this in the mail.


It's full of insightful little tid bits from wise people.

Needless to say, I teared up and said a prayer of thanks to that 'someone somewhere' who brought this kind of support into my life. To say I appreciate it wouldn't be enough.

This is where it stays in my home. It is a lovely reminder of lessons learned, good people, and really the best way to take this journey.


She is one of those perfectly placed people. Thank you Che!

Ideal Family

This interview has had me thinking. Luckily I wasn't stumped by the questions I was asked, but it was impossible to prepare any response. I was mostly focused on making clear that this is my feeling and experience so not to offend others. The majority of my answers were lessons learned throughout this journey.

One question she asked was, "How has your view or idea of 'family' changed? Or has it?" Good question right? Luckily, that too was a recent lesson/discovery.

For the last couple of years, I have been 'preparing' for the ideal of my family. I have been trying to prepare financially, emotionally, and physically for our children. (Yes, I even painted my "nursery." You can call me crazy if you wish). I guess I had it in my mind that the sort of family I was wishing or hoping for hasn't been granted yet. I thought that our children were what would make family.

About a month ago, I realized my family...and I appologized to Allen. He is it! Sounds like a juvenile realization, right? You learn as a child that there are diffent sizes and types of family. My mind always taught me that my type would be one with kids. I know now that it is just as important if not more to nurture my present family and keep us strong and happy. It's been a goal of mine since.

I don't want to look back in a few years from now (or whenever our family grows) and regret not making the most of our little family and the time Allen and I have together. I can learn alot from him and I know we are stronger together, so why not focus on that right now?

I have been. And it's delightful.

Interview

A couple of weeks ago I read an email from Hikari.
She is a reporter for the Deseret News Mormon Times.
In the email she told me she was writing an article on infertility in the Mormon culture and the insensitivity couples struggling may face.
She was doing research online and came across this blog.
She asked if she could interview me.
I was intrigued. Also, maybe a little nervous.
Her intent seems so appropriate and sincere.
After a couple of back and forth emails, I agreed to meet with her in my home.

Last night she came over and we chatted for over an hour.
It was a great conversation.
It wasn't just awkward on-the-spot Q&A.
It was a discussion...only with a tape recorder. :)
I'm so glad she decided to write this article.
Infertility affects so many people and I for one (and apparently two) think it's important to make people aware of infertitly and how common it is; if anything to help people who don't struggle glimpse into how difficult it is and maybe learn how to offer help.
I know Hikari is doing her research and will do a great job.
She was so sweet, sensitive, and supportive as we talked.

Thank you Hikari (Rachel). ;)
It was a theraputic evening for me and I can't wait to read your piece.
I have a feeling you will help many people.
Thank you for the opportunity.

Love, Jill

"Sometimes He Just Says No"

I love this little girl.
This is Addie, my sister's only daughter.
She is 5.
She's beautiful and spunky.
She's smart and polite.
She makes me happier than most.
I've known all of this...
What I didn't know?
She is wise.
A few months ago I was chatting with her over the phone. She can talk like nobody's business. She was "tending" her new brother Nate while her mommy was making dinner.

Addie: "The next baby will be a sister."
Me: "Oh yeah? That'll be fun."
Addie: "Yep! Jilly, how come you and 'Alno' don't have a baby?"
Me: "Well it's hard for me to have a baby Addie. Maybe you could pray for me and ask Heavenly Father to bless me with a baby like baby Nate. Could you do that for me?
Addie: (heavy and dramatic sigh) "Well I have Jilly! I keep askeen and askeen! Sometimes Heavenly Father just says, 'no...'"

About this time I hear my sister frantic in the background telling Addie, "Don't say that!" I couldn't help but laugh and love that little girl even more. Before the conversation was over, Addie consented to continue her prayers for me...whether it was forced by her mother or not.

I know what she said to me that day is true; sometimes Heavenly Father does say no. It was simple to her. So why is it so hard for me sometimes?

The Reason

I'm convinced this is why I needed to go to church today.

I wander through the still of night,
When solitude is ev’rywhere—
Alone, beneath the starry light,
And yet I know that God is there.
I kneel upon the grass and pray;
An answer comes without a voice.
It takes my burden all away
And makes my aching heart rejoice.

When I am filled with strong desire
And ask a boon of him, I see
No miracle of living fire,
But what I ask flows into me.
And when the tempest rages high
I feel no arm around me thrust,
But ev’ry storm goes rolling by
When I repose in him my trust.

It matters not what may befall,
What threat’ning hand hangs over me;
He is my rampart through it all,
My refuge from mine enemy.
Come unto him all ye depressed,
Ye erring souls whose eyes are dim,
Ye weary ones who long for rest.
Come unto him! Come unto him!

-Theodore E. Curtis

Patience

"Patience is not passive resignation, nor is it failing to act because of our fears. Patience means active waiting and enduring. It means staying with something and doing all that we can - working, hoping, and exercising faith; bearing hardship with fortitude, even when the desires of our hearts are delayed. Patience is not simply enduring; it is enduring well!"
~ Dieter F. Uchtdorf ~
Thank you Natalie.

4

There were 4 baby blessings this past sunday...
FOUR.
Now I've come to expect (and even prepare for) at least 1-2 each fast Sunday.
I must admit, this one was difficult.
2 boys and 2 girls.
All perfect sent straight from God.
I sat there in awe.
Miracles for so many people.
I was feeling the normal pains of my cycle.
I wanted to run home.
I wanted to throw up.
I wanted to cry.
...so I did.

They say it's "in the water."
What am I drinking and where can I get some of that special water?