After a series of recent events I have learned some things about myself and about the perspective people have about infertility.
I believe that infertility is one of the least supported causes out there. It's uncomfortable for many "fertiles" to discuss or acknowledge. Some people think it's too private to fight for or to ask for help. Some think fertility treatments and/or adoption are simply options so 'why should we support a couple's choice verses someone with a disease, etc who doesn't have much of a choice?' To that I say, "DO we have a choice?!"
When you are given odds that say, 'you either do this or adopt,' how much of a choice do you really have? And isn't starting and building families one of the most important causes out there?!
I have learned that I will never stop fighting and helping the cause of infertility. I will never stop reaching out to those who have the ache and yearning for their children. We are a small community but I know that as we all work together with the resources that we do have (thanks to many wonderful people and physicians that I now call friends), we truly can help eachother and raise awareness for a difficult and often ignored cause.
"Tell my mom not to give up..."
I never will.
Pound the Pavement for Parenthood had our first meeting a couple of weeks ago. I'm SO excited for the improvements and changes that are in store this year. We have a few new committee members that rock the house so please be looking for our new website and if you know anyone who needs help, please let us know. We want to offer more than just race and fundraising events.
Infertility, I got your back. Always.
Saturday, October 1, 2011
Saturday, September 17, 2011
Hope. I hope.
I don't know why things happen. I don't know why the Lord causes some things to happen for one person and not the other. I do know though, that the Lord has a plan for each of us. And I know that His plan is always better than our own. Always.
I have learned so much from infertility. I will always and forever appreciate the perspective gained from wanting and trying for my children.
There are some incredible people out there who have taught me and helped me through some of my darkest days. I will never forget...and I thank you. Emails from so many of you sharing your story and perspective, healing and supportive words, these have helped change me.
Because of this struggle of infertility, I have my faith again. Because of this struggle, I have a new and better view of life, happiness, and parenthood.
I have endometriosis. I have PCOS. My left tube is blocked.
By an absolute miracle, and after fertility treatments failing 100% of the time, we are expecting...
I know with this news comes hurt for some. I know that hurt all too well... but I continue to pray for comfort, peace, and hope to be granted to all who share this struggle.
Thank you for reading. Thank you for caring. Thank you for your prayers and support. That is the only explanation for this miracle. I know that.
I know that infertility will come to me again; this time in a whole different way, but I know how to face it now. By working through the struggle to help support and strengthen others, we can be and are better for it.
I hope this story brings hope. I hope.
Love, Jill
I have learned so much from infertility. I will always and forever appreciate the perspective gained from wanting and trying for my children.
There are some incredible people out there who have taught me and helped me through some of my darkest days. I will never forget...and I thank you. Emails from so many of you sharing your story and perspective, healing and supportive words, these have helped change me.
Because of this struggle of infertility, I have my faith again. Because of this struggle, I have a new and better view of life, happiness, and parenthood.
I have endometriosis. I have PCOS. My left tube is blocked.
By an absolute miracle, and after fertility treatments failing 100% of the time, we are expecting...
I know with this news comes hurt for some. I know that hurt all too well... but I continue to pray for comfort, peace, and hope to be granted to all who share this struggle.
Thank you for reading. Thank you for caring. Thank you for your prayers and support. That is the only explanation for this miracle. I know that.
I know that infertility will come to me again; this time in a whole different way, but I know how to face it now. By working through the struggle to help support and strengthen others, we can be and are better for it.
I hope this story brings hope. I hope.
Love, Jill
Thursday, September 1, 2011
Wise Perspective From a Young Elder
He's been in Paraguay since February teaching the people there about Jesus Christ. If you want to learn more about what he's teaching, go here. I received a letter from him recently and thought I would share some of it... Pretty good for an almost 20 year old, don't ya think?
"It is amazing to me how great the Lord is to us. I don´t think I will ever fully understand His love for us. He is so merciful and understanding why we go through trials here in this life and it is so bloody comforting to know that He knows exactly what is going on. I had a pretty tough week this week...
I was praying for council and guidance and I was reminded of a talk from last conference. 'Divine Chastening' by Elder Christofferson. This talk has so much meaning to me right now and it really has always reminded me of you and your situation as well. He told the story of the garderner who is pruning his plants down to nothing. The plants seemed to cry and say "Why do you hurt me like this when I was growing so big and mighty? I was making progress and now I'm starting over. Everything was looking up so why did you cut me down?" This is very powerful to me right now. The gardener finally says "I know whats good for you little (plant) by cutting you down I'm helping you to grow."
He always knows exactly what we need and I'm so grateful that He loves us enough to be WILLING to cut us down. He could just ignore us, but He is willing to help us when we dont even appreciate it. I'm very grateful for your example of this principle. You have already mastered this principle of faith and I'm trying my best to develop it right now."
Tuesday, August 2, 2011
I've Met Someone...
The morning of the Pound the Pavement 5K this year, about an hour before the race started, I received an email from a doctor, a reproductive specialist. His name is Dr. Foulk. In his email he told me how impressed he was with our organization. He told me how he himself with his wife have struggled with infertility for years. He then told me that anyone struggling with infertility and preparing for IVF who were attending and participating in the race that day could receive half off their cycle. Half off!
I was floored...
He wanted to meet with me sometime to discuss details.
So I did.
Can I tell you, I am completely impressed with this man. He is truly here to help people create families. If you do not have a specialist you are working with right now, can I beg you to at least meet with him? He has so much knowledge and experience to offer and creates such a positive environment to work in. Really. You won't regret it. I'm so glad that because of him and Pound the Pavement, couples will be able to welcome their children into their families.
Thank you so much for the work you do Dr. Foulk.
Love, Jill
I was floored...
He wanted to meet with me sometime to discuss details.
So I did.
Can I tell you, I am completely impressed with this man. He is truly here to help people create families. If you do not have a specialist you are working with right now, can I beg you to at least meet with him? He has so much knowledge and experience to offer and creates such a positive environment to work in. Really. You won't regret it. I'm so glad that because of him and Pound the Pavement, couples will be able to welcome their children into their families.
Thank you so much for the work you do Dr. Foulk.
Love, Jill
Sunday, July 17, 2011
Returned to Tears
This week I headed back to Dr Heiner's office. I had some things to take care of with Pound the Pavement and I wanted to get a copy of my records. I need a second opinion about our weird and unexplained failed cycle. I've found an amazing internationally renowned physician. Well, he found me. More about him in my next post... (amazing I tell you)
I walked into RCC, and I instantly felt my eyes feel with tears. I didn't expect it to be so emotional, but why wouldn't it be? Here I had some incredibly spiritual experiences. Here I was given heart-breaking news. Here is where a part of me died...
I fought back tears the whole time I was speaking with Michelle Richards, clinic manaager. I'm not sure I want to know what she could possibly be thinking about me. She's a lovely lady.
As I was leaving, ready to let go of the emotions I was holding back, the receptionist says, "You're the girl who set up Pound the Pavement? That's such an amazing organization. Without people like you, so many couples could never afford IVF..." At that point I wanted to crumple into a ball with sobs right then and there. Instead, I thanked her.
As soon as the doors to that forever special clinic shut behind me, the tears came. They didn't stop for 30 minutes either. I texted a wonderful and understanding friend who tried to provide comfort.
Why is it still so hard?
Why can't we just start another cycle now?...
Why am I the only one left?...
Rough days lately. Allen and I are planning some big changes in order for us to afford these treatments. Now it's a waiting game I'm afraid. Again. Hoping I can be blessed with patience.
I just want a baby...
I walked into RCC, and I instantly felt my eyes feel with tears. I didn't expect it to be so emotional, but why wouldn't it be? Here I had some incredibly spiritual experiences. Here I was given heart-breaking news. Here is where a part of me died...
I fought back tears the whole time I was speaking with Michelle Richards, clinic manaager. I'm not sure I want to know what she could possibly be thinking about me. She's a lovely lady.
As I was leaving, ready to let go of the emotions I was holding back, the receptionist says, "You're the girl who set up Pound the Pavement? That's such an amazing organization. Without people like you, so many couples could never afford IVF..." At that point I wanted to crumple into a ball with sobs right then and there. Instead, I thanked her.
As soon as the doors to that forever special clinic shut behind me, the tears came. They didn't stop for 30 minutes either. I texted a wonderful and understanding friend who tried to provide comfort.
Why is it still so hard?
Why can't we just start another cycle now?...
Why am I the only one left?...
Rough days lately. Allen and I are planning some big changes in order for us to afford these treatments. Now it's a waiting game I'm afraid. Again. Hoping I can be blessed with patience.
I just want a baby...
Thursday, July 7, 2011
Wednesday, June 15, 2011
Angels... & GO TEAM WITT!
Let me introduce you to an angel. She is tall and beautiful. She is smart and ambitious. She is so fun and has a BIG heart. Her name is Kristin Call.
Because of Pound the Pavement for Parenthood, I have had the great opportunity of meeting some incredible people. It's been a pleasure to reach out to others to offer support in the cause of building families. In turn, I have had many reach out to me as well. It has been unexpected and very special for me. Kristin is one of those people. We haven't known each other long. We had emailed back and forth, but in fact, first met face to face at the 5K this year. Since then, we have become fast friends; easy to do when you share such a passion (and struggle) for infertility, plus she's flipping FANTASTIC!
I respect the way she thinks. I appreciate the way she cares. And I LOVE the way she acts. I truly believe this tall lovely lady has been perfectly placed in my life at this time because of the years of prayers offered by Marv and I, along with our wonderful family and friends. She is giving us an incredible opportunity to pay off our last (extremely weird/expensive) IVF cycle and get ready for the next. I've been in awe ever since she has stepped so graciously into my life.
She and her husband, Cameron, have offered to hold a silent online auction on June 24th and 25th at goteamwitt.blogspot.com to help us raise these precious funds for us! How incredible is that?!
We are so lucky to be sponsored for an amazing auction with some fabulous products and packages, but we are still in need of donations. Anything you would be willing to donate will be appreciated and move us a step closer to becoming parents.
Here's how you can help:
1. If you are a business owner (or know someone) and would like to donate an item to be auctioned off, please click here for more information. We are also interested in finding a business that would be willing to match our total donation goal....!
2. Bid on our online auctions starting June 24th!
3. If you are uninterested in either of these options, you can always go directly to http://goteamwitt.blogspot.com and click the donate button to make a monetary donation.
4. Spread the word on your blog,facebook.or twitter! This will be a huge help.
Let me know if you have any questions. Or contact Kristin Call, the generous genious behind it all.
Thank you so much for your generosity! We so appreciate your willingness to support this cause, and we appreciate the support you have already offered. THANK YOU KRISTIN AND CAMERON CALL our friends, our angels, our answered prayers. We love you.
Love, Allen, Jill, and Baby Witt (Baby Call's future spouse/best friend)
Because of Pound the Pavement for Parenthood, I have had the great opportunity of meeting some incredible people. It's been a pleasure to reach out to others to offer support in the cause of building families. In turn, I have had many reach out to me as well. It has been unexpected and very special for me. Kristin is one of those people. We haven't known each other long. We had emailed back and forth, but in fact, first met face to face at the 5K this year. Since then, we have become fast friends; easy to do when you share such a passion (and struggle) for infertility, plus she's flipping FANTASTIC!
I respect the way she thinks. I appreciate the way she cares. And I LOVE the way she acts. I truly believe this tall lovely lady has been perfectly placed in my life at this time because of the years of prayers offered by Marv and I, along with our wonderful family and friends. She is giving us an incredible opportunity to pay off our last (extremely weird/expensive) IVF cycle and get ready for the next. I've been in awe ever since she has stepped so graciously into my life.
She and her husband, Cameron, have offered to hold a silent online auction on June 24th and 25th at goteamwitt.blogspot.com to help us raise these precious funds for us! How incredible is that?!
We are so lucky to be sponsored for an amazing auction with some fabulous products and packages, but we are still in need of donations. Anything you would be willing to donate will be appreciated and move us a step closer to becoming parents.
Here's how you can help:
1. If you are a business owner (or know someone) and would like to donate an item to be auctioned off, please click here for more information. We are also interested in finding a business that would be willing to match our total donation goal....!
2. Bid on our online auctions starting June 24th!
3. If you are uninterested in either of these options, you can always go directly to http://goteamwitt.blogspot.com and click the donate button to make a monetary donation.
4. Spread the word on your blog,facebook.or twitter! This will be a huge help.
Let me know if you have any questions. Or contact Kristin Call, the generous genious behind it all.
Thank you so much for your generosity! We so appreciate your willingness to support this cause, and we appreciate the support you have already offered. THANK YOU KRISTIN AND CAMERON CALL our friends, our angels, our answered prayers. We love you.
Love, Allen, Jill, and Baby Witt (Baby Call's future spouse/best friend)
Friday, June 10, 2011
Undefined
en-do-me-tri-osis: the presence and growth of functioning endometrial tissue in places other than the uterus that often results in severe pain and infertility.
For some reason, that sounds harsh. Forget you Webster.
For some reason, that sounds harsh. Forget you Webster.
Tuesday, June 7, 2011
Just Hear Me Daydream
Some people are 'fix it' kind of people. They hear a problem and *BAM* they immediately have the cure-all answer to anything difficult, unknown, or confusing.
"Your IVF cycle failed? Well, you should just adopt. Then you're guaranteed a baby."
"Oh it didn't work? So have you already started your next cycle? The second round always works."
"You're feeling down today? You just need to have faith and everything will work out."
I'd like to take a moment to thank all those who have said such statements. Because of you and your words of wisdom, infertility is now easy breezy. (insert sarcastic tone here)
I know people usually have the best of intentions. I know the topic of infertility makes a lot of people awkward which forces mindless rambling in an effort to comfort. I just sometimes want to simply be heard. Just listen. Because this is nothing you can fix. I don't need advice at this point. I feel like I know the ins and outs of my trial. I feel I'm dealing and learning through it better than ever! It's quite refreshing actually. So when I come in contact with a person who still wants to try and "fix it" for me, well, I'm annoyed. It feels like that person is discrediting my feelings and my progression through something they don't understand.
Just hear what I'm telling you, and tell me that it's ok; not that it's only ok if I have faith.
Faith I have.
I feel like I'm really starting to live and love this life that is mine. I daydream of things I want to do. And I make plans now without the thought of, 'well I might be pregnant then so maybe I should wait on that.' I'm searching for ways to stretch myself in order to experience new things and make new goals to be my best me. I want to grow in every way. And do you know why I have this desire?... because I've been able to grow because of my failed cycle. And that is because I've been honest with me. I've allowed myself to feel. Always. Doing this has helped me see the possibilities of happiness and full life, regardless of the expectation of children. I want to keep learning, and yes that most likely means learning through more infertility, but that's ok, because I know I need this. And I want this.
I want to search myself.
I want to push myself.
I want to discover more of myself.
Daydreaming and soul-searching...
It's a beautiful combination.
"Oh it didn't work? So have you already started your next cycle? The second round always works."
"You're feeling down today? You just need to have faith and everything will work out."
I'd like to take a moment to thank all those who have said such statements. Because of you and your words of wisdom, infertility is now easy breezy. (insert sarcastic tone here)
I know people usually have the best of intentions. I know the topic of infertility makes a lot of people awkward which forces mindless rambling in an effort to comfort. I just sometimes want to simply be heard. Just listen. Because this is nothing you can fix. I don't need advice at this point. I feel like I know the ins and outs of my trial. I feel I'm dealing and learning through it better than ever! It's quite refreshing actually. So when I come in contact with a person who still wants to try and "fix it" for me, well, I'm annoyed. It feels like that person is discrediting my feelings and my progression through something they don't understand.
Just hear what I'm telling you, and tell me that it's ok; not that it's only ok if I have faith.
Faith I have.
I feel like I'm really starting to live and love this life that is mine. I daydream of things I want to do. And I make plans now without the thought of, 'well I might be pregnant then so maybe I should wait on that.' I'm searching for ways to stretch myself in order to experience new things and make new goals to be my best me. I want to grow in every way. And do you know why I have this desire?... because I've been able to grow because of my failed cycle. And that is because I've been honest with me. I've allowed myself to feel. Always. Doing this has helped me see the possibilities of happiness and full life, regardless of the expectation of children. I want to keep learning, and yes that most likely means learning through more infertility, but that's ok, because I know I need this. And I want this.
I want to push myself.
I want to discover more of myself.
Daydreaming and soul-searching...
It's a beautiful combination.
Thursday, May 26, 2011
100%
I think I have had 15,000 different posts start in my head over the last few weeks. FIFTEEN THOUSAND. I KNOW! (said like Monica Geller) Needless to say, much has been going on in the life of Jilly and Marv. 99.0% of it has made me happy, hopeful, grateful, and amazed. The other 1%...that negative, daunting, lonely 1% that seems to always be looming, well, is there an escape from it?
I've lately been trying to determine how I can possibly create a life where I can be 100% happy. Perfectly satisfied. And Marv too. Maybe that is unrealistic? But I don't think so.
I'm a dreamer. Since I said 'yes' to Marv, I have dreamed up a delightful life for us. And I immediately started dreaming of our children. Because of recent events, my dreams have been forced to move beyond a child. I really have no choice after a failed (and unbelievable abnormal) IVF cycle, do I? Perhaps a defense or coping mechanism? I don't know, but up until a few months ago, I really only had the dream of motherhood. A dream that included Marv being dad to some chubby goodness looking particularly like us. I dreamed of taking pictures of this child fishing with Marv, cooking with me, and camping with us. What a dream.
I think it has kept me pre-occupied. I think it actually has kept me too occupied. Why have I kept that 1% on hold, unable to enjoy it as if it were happiness reserved only if children moved from dream to reality? Why have I held myself (and my Marv) back from fully enjoying our lives together? It's too bad. Life really can be too wonderful to not enjoy it fully.
So here I am. Repentant and hopeful for the life we are creating together. Whatever it turns out to be, I know it can be fantastic if I choose to let that 99% of good finally overtake that measley ever-lingering 1%. Silly. And exciting.
I've lately been trying to determine how I can possibly create a life where I can be 100% happy. Perfectly satisfied. And Marv too. Maybe that is unrealistic? But I don't think so.
I'm a dreamer. Since I said 'yes' to Marv, I have dreamed up a delightful life for us. And I immediately started dreaming of our children. Because of recent events, my dreams have been forced to move beyond a child. I really have no choice after a failed (and unbelievable abnormal) IVF cycle, do I? Perhaps a defense or coping mechanism? I don't know, but up until a few months ago, I really only had the dream of motherhood. A dream that included Marv being dad to some chubby goodness looking particularly like us. I dreamed of taking pictures of this child fishing with Marv, cooking with me, and camping with us. What a dream.
I think it has kept me pre-occupied. I think it actually has kept me too occupied. Why have I kept that 1% on hold, unable to enjoy it as if it were happiness reserved only if children moved from dream to reality? Why have I held myself (and my Marv) back from fully enjoying our lives together? It's too bad. Life really can be too wonderful to not enjoy it fully.
So here I am. Repentant and hopeful for the life we are creating together. Whatever it turns out to be, I know it can be fantastic if I choose to let that 99% of good finally overtake that measley ever-lingering 1%. Silly. And exciting.
Thursday, May 19, 2011
28
"Not yet. It's so frustrating! I keep telling her it's time..."
That's the conversation I walked into at work today.
I didn't butt in.
I'm still the new guy, you see.
"She'll be 28! And they're not even close! It's going to be too late to start their family if she doesn't hurry. She's gotta have at least 5 grandbabies for me!" (chuckles)
I instantly hurt for this woman, this "she" I didn't even know.
What if she has been trying to have a baby?
How could this wanna-be-grandma expect this of her daughter-in-law?
"28 and not even close?"
I'm 28.
I'm "not even close" either.
I felt nauseous.
Today was a yucky day for me. It was one of those days where I was slapped in the face by life; where I had expected myself to be...and where I actually am. I'm 28. I have not yet graduated with a college degree. No baby. And is her pregnancy really almost over?! All these little realities made me want to escape to somewhere, a place where I can go on adventures; where I can explore and experience new places with just my Marv and my camera. I want to get away from all of the expectations I dared have for myself. I want to get out of this routine of work and watching pregnancies.
It's getting old (and that 'it's' can include me, I suppose). And remember this? Here we go again I'm afraid...
That's the conversation I walked into at work today.
I didn't butt in.
I'm still the new guy, you see.
"She'll be 28! And they're not even close! It's going to be too late to start their family if she doesn't hurry. She's gotta have at least 5 grandbabies for me!" (chuckles)
I instantly hurt for this woman, this "she" I didn't even know.
What if she has been trying to have a baby?
How could this wanna-be-grandma expect this of her daughter-in-law?
"28 and not even close?"
I'm 28.
I'm "not even close" either.
I felt nauseous.
Today was a yucky day for me. It was one of those days where I was slapped in the face by life; where I had expected myself to be...and where I actually am. I'm 28. I have not yet graduated with a college degree. No baby. And is her pregnancy really almost over?! All these little realities made me want to escape to somewhere, a place where I can go on adventures; where I can explore and experience new places with just my Marv and my camera. I want to get away from all of the expectations I dared have for myself. I want to get out of this routine of work and watching pregnancies.
It's getting old (and that 'it's' can include me, I suppose). And remember this? Here we go again I'm afraid...
Saturday, May 7, 2011
Mother's Day
I'm not fond of the day we call Mother's Day. I am fond of my mother, nevertheless. I love and respect her more than either one of us would feel comfortable discussing. She.is.amazing at everything she does, including mothering.
Sometimes my infertility hits me like a ton of bricks. Little somethings will trigger those feelings of "why not me?" and "will it ever happen?" It's hard to think about how long those feelings have been with me; harder still thinking of how long I possibly have to go...
Mother's day is a terrible day (humble opinion). I think it is wonderful to celebrate the amazing women in our lives, to reflect on their goodness, and to thank them for all they have done and do. BUT, it can always be a day of pain for so many women.: those who are not married, those of us in the depths of infertility longing for the title, and those who have lost children... To us, it is simply a day to be reminded over and over again of what we want most.
SO...I'm boycotting the day. (yes, even church - gasp!) And I'm renaming the day WOMEN'S DAY! I'm going to celebrate every year from this point on, the WOMEN in my life who are strong, lovely, and good on this holiday. Feel free to join me! I can call around to calendar companies and see what I can do. ;)
The ability to love and nurture are in all women (not just those who have children) and that alone should be remembered and celebrated.
Happy Women's Day to you all!
Sometimes my infertility hits me like a ton of bricks. Little somethings will trigger those feelings of "why not me?" and "will it ever happen?" It's hard to think about how long those feelings have been with me; harder still thinking of how long I possibly have to go...
Mother's day is a terrible day (humble opinion). I think it is wonderful to celebrate the amazing women in our lives, to reflect on their goodness, and to thank them for all they have done and do. BUT, it can always be a day of pain for so many women.: those who are not married, those of us in the depths of infertility longing for the title, and those who have lost children... To us, it is simply a day to be reminded over and over again of what we want most.
SO...I'm boycotting the day. (yes, even church - gasp!) And I'm renaming the day WOMEN'S DAY! I'm going to celebrate every year from this point on, the WOMEN in my life who are strong, lovely, and good on this holiday. Feel free to join me! I can call around to calendar companies and see what I can do. ;)
The ability to love and nurture are in all women (not just those who have children) and that alone should be remembered and celebrated.
Tuesday, April 19, 2011
Pain and Peace
Tonight I heard an announcement. You all know the kind - "I'm pregnant! I'm due..." (blah blah blah) I expressed in my last post that during my IVF cycle, I was blessed with a renewed sense of peace and perspective. I feel there is still time Allen and I have together before starting another IVF cycle in the hope of achieving pregnancy. We both feel comfortable and ok about it right now.
Tonight when I read this specific announcement though, some pain came back feeling to fresh to be comfortable. "Well, it's official! Baby is due November 24th! We're so excited!" My heart suddenly was in my throat.
We were given the due date of November 23rd on our IVF calendar...
A rush of thoughts flooded my mind... 'Would I be announcing my pregnancy now too?' 'Would Allen and I be sharing that special secret for a while?' 'I wonder what fun baby cuteness I would I have already purchased had our lil embryo made it?'
The pain is not gone, but the knowledge of a loving Father who has a special plan for me is still here. That is where I can always go to recover that new found peace.
...but I have a feeling that November 23rd will be a hard day.
Tonight when I read this specific announcement though, some pain came back feeling to fresh to be comfortable. "Well, it's official! Baby is due November 24th! We're so excited!" My heart suddenly was in my throat.
We were given the due date of November 23rd on our IVF calendar...
A rush of thoughts flooded my mind... 'Would I be announcing my pregnancy now too?' 'Would Allen and I be sharing that special secret for a while?' 'I wonder what fun baby cuteness I would I have already purchased had our lil embryo made it?'
The pain is not gone, but the knowledge of a loving Father who has a special plan for me is still here. That is where I can always go to recover that new found peace.
...but I have a feeling that November 23rd will be a hard day.
Thursday, April 14, 2011
Excerpts From Jill's Journal
February 22, 2011
"I’m so happy to say that we are doing IVF early next month. Finally! I feel like I’ve been waiting for this for a long time. We’re both really excited and anxious to start this process, and feel like we’ve very much been led to this point..."
March 1, 2011
"...I went to see Dr Heiner yesterday. I was going in to see if I was ready for egg retrieval this week. It wasn’t great news...It was discouraging to leave that office knowing that the chance of canceling for this cycle is high...I had a breakdown when I got to my mom’s after my appointment. There’re just so many ups and downs during this process... I’m grateful that I haven’t been an emotional monster. I’ve been praying for that constantly... I know that it doesn’t matter in the end what my tests/levels say... I will be ok. We will be ok. We will strive to align our will with the Lord's and carry on with whatever that is. Thank goodness for the gospel. This process would be unbearable without it."
March 4, 2011
"Yesterday I went in at 1:30 pm. My lining had only grown to a 4.5, not enough, or even close. Dr Heiner told me that he really wanted us to think about just counting our losses with this cycle and saving the money that we’ve paid for “the really expensive part” and putting that towards our next cycle. My lining is just really thin, even though I have growing follicles. I told him I would talk to Allen and we would have to decide whether to freeze or bail. When the nurse left the room she said, 'Oh Jill, keep plugging along. Bumpy road but hopefully we’ll get you to the finish line.' I broke down when the door closed... The tears now are only because this is an emotional cycle. I don’t feel one bit sad, or upset, or angry. I have found so much comfort knowing that this is the Lord’s will regardless. There is a peace with me now. I don’t need a guarantee that this will work. I don’t need to know either way or even try to guess anymore. I just know that the Lord is happy with my efforts. I know he is very involved in my life and especially now...What a wonderful blessing this trial has been!"
March 5, 2011
"...After the ultrasound today Dr Heiner said, 'You’re kind of a mystery girl, Jill.' He wanted to talk to me in his office... While we were talking in his office, he stopped for a few minutes. I could tell he was really thinking. I said a quick prayer that the Lord would bless him to know what to do, and then thought in my head, ‘Go with your gut. Go with your gut!’ Dr Heiner looked up at me and said, 'You know, at some point in this process you really have to make decisions based on you feel and kind of go with your gut instead of relying on science.' I smiled and said, 'And I would rather you go with that than anything else'.” ...I give myself the trigger shot tonight at 11:30 pm. Egg retrieval is scheduled for Monday at 10:30.
March 7, 2011
"...When I woke up in recovery, Allen told me they only found one egg…one. While initially I suppose I was a little discouraged by that, I told Allen, 'Well it only takes one, doesn’t it?' Dr Heiner told us that my lining is now 8.7. EIGHT POINT SEVEN!!! I was so happy to hear that. My lining has been surprising him all along. He said that all we could do was hope that the one tiny egg would be mature enough to fertilize... Allen and I prayed together before I left recovery....I went home and slept for 3 hours. I was a little sore but other than that, I felt pretty good. I missed Katie’s call, but woke up to listen to a voicemail that the egg was in fact MATURE! They will find out tomorrow how the fertilization went. I’ve been praying constantly since then. I sure hope that little embryo makes it..."
March 8, 2011
11:09am
I got a call from Dr Heiner.
Our little embryo didn't make it through that night...
That little part of Allen and I that I already loved so much, prayed and hoped for...
was gone.
It was a hard day.
Please know that I'm not looking for any sympathy in response to this post. I have no regrets about our cycle. Not one. I feel like it was the Lord teaching us in such an intimate and amazing way, and through a truly special experience. We saw miracles during that cycle! I saw the hand of the Lord work in me. In MY body...something I never thought would happen to me. And although it wasn't our desired outcome, it gave me so much hope. Hope in knowing the Lord can do anything! Hope and confidence in my physical body; one I have often called "broken." And hope that I can make it through this trial, no matter how long it lasts, with a perspective and peace that can only come through love, trust, and through the atonement of Jesus Christ.
If you have any questions, concerns, or fears about IVF, please know that I'm here, as always.
And if you need a good specialist?
Well...I know an incredible doctor.
"I’m so happy to say that we are doing IVF early next month. Finally! I feel like I’ve been waiting for this for a long time. We’re both really excited and anxious to start this process, and feel like we’ve very much been led to this point..."
March 1, 2011
"...I went to see Dr Heiner yesterday. I was going in to see if I was ready for egg retrieval this week. It wasn’t great news...It was discouraging to leave that office knowing that the chance of canceling for this cycle is high...I had a breakdown when I got to my mom’s after my appointment. There’re just so many ups and downs during this process... I’m grateful that I haven’t been an emotional monster. I’ve been praying for that constantly... I know that it doesn’t matter in the end what my tests/levels say... I will be ok. We will be ok. We will strive to align our will with the Lord's and carry on with whatever that is. Thank goodness for the gospel. This process would be unbearable without it."
March 4, 2011
"Yesterday I went in at 1:30 pm. My lining had only grown to a 4.5, not enough, or even close. Dr Heiner told me that he really wanted us to think about just counting our losses with this cycle and saving the money that we’ve paid for “the really expensive part” and putting that towards our next cycle. My lining is just really thin, even though I have growing follicles. I told him I would talk to Allen and we would have to decide whether to freeze or bail. When the nurse left the room she said, 'Oh Jill, keep plugging along. Bumpy road but hopefully we’ll get you to the finish line.' I broke down when the door closed... The tears now are only because this is an emotional cycle. I don’t feel one bit sad, or upset, or angry. I have found so much comfort knowing that this is the Lord’s will regardless. There is a peace with me now. I don’t need a guarantee that this will work. I don’t need to know either way or even try to guess anymore. I just know that the Lord is happy with my efforts. I know he is very involved in my life and especially now...What a wonderful blessing this trial has been!"
March 5, 2011
"...After the ultrasound today Dr Heiner said, 'You’re kind of a mystery girl, Jill.' He wanted to talk to me in his office... While we were talking in his office, he stopped for a few minutes. I could tell he was really thinking. I said a quick prayer that the Lord would bless him to know what to do, and then thought in my head, ‘Go with your gut. Go with your gut!’ Dr Heiner looked up at me and said, 'You know, at some point in this process you really have to make decisions based on you feel and kind of go with your gut instead of relying on science.' I smiled and said, 'And I would rather you go with that than anything else'.” ...I give myself the trigger shot tonight at 11:30 pm. Egg retrieval is scheduled for Monday at 10:30.
March 7, 2011
"...When I woke up in recovery, Allen told me they only found one egg…one. While initially I suppose I was a little discouraged by that, I told Allen, 'Well it only takes one, doesn’t it?' Dr Heiner told us that my lining is now 8.7. EIGHT POINT SEVEN!!! I was so happy to hear that. My lining has been surprising him all along. He said that all we could do was hope that the one tiny egg would be mature enough to fertilize... Allen and I prayed together before I left recovery....I went home and slept for 3 hours. I was a little sore but other than that, I felt pretty good. I missed Katie’s call, but woke up to listen to a voicemail that the egg was in fact MATURE! They will find out tomorrow how the fertilization went. I’ve been praying constantly since then. I sure hope that little embryo makes it..."
March 8, 2011
11:09am
I got a call from Dr Heiner.
Our little embryo didn't make it through that night...
That little part of Allen and I that I already loved so much, prayed and hoped for...
was gone.
It was a hard day.
Please know that I'm not looking for any sympathy in response to this post. I have no regrets about our cycle. Not one. I feel like it was the Lord teaching us in such an intimate and amazing way, and through a truly special experience. We saw miracles during that cycle! I saw the hand of the Lord work in me. In MY body...something I never thought would happen to me. And although it wasn't our desired outcome, it gave me so much hope. Hope in knowing the Lord can do anything! Hope and confidence in my physical body; one I have often called "broken." And hope that I can make it through this trial, no matter how long it lasts, with a perspective and peace that can only come through love, trust, and through the atonement of Jesus Christ.
If you have any questions, concerns, or fears about IVF, please know that I'm here, as always.
And if you need a good specialist?
Well...I know an incredible doctor.
Saturday, April 2, 2011
Pound the Pavement For Parenthood 2011
Friday, March 25, 2011
Infertlity Awareness Event
This week I had the priveledge of meeting with Kerstin Daynes. She is the author of Infertility: Help, Hope, and Healing as well as ldsinfertility.org which is an incredible resource. Amazing is an understatement. This woman has put so much work, time, and thought into her pursuit of raising awareness of infertility. She is putting on an event this year that you must attend if you are anywhere close to Salt Lake. Here is the info:
2nd Annual Utah Infertility Awareness Event
Saturday, April 30, 2011
University of Utah, Health Sciences Education Building, Room 1750
9:00am - Noon
Topics will include: Strengthening Relationships, Fears and Concerns of Third Party Reproduction, and Coping with Infertility
Presenters include:
Monica Ashton, MSW, LCSW, Psychotherapist, The Healing Group
Laura Czajkowski, Ph.D., Associate Professor, Department of Psychiatry, University of Utah
Kerstin Daynes, author of Infertility: Help, Hope, and Healing
Registration begins April 1st! Go to www.utahinfertilityawareness.com. It's a FREE event and seating is limited! There will also be a giveaway.
I will absolutely be there! I'm excited to help Kerstin however I can in this cause. It was wonderful talking with her. She understands the struggle and wants to help. And I love that. She is helping us with the 5k run and has already been a huge help. THANK YOU KERSTIN! (for all you do)
I hope to see you all at the event!
Saturday, April 30, 2011
University of Utah, Health Sciences Education Building, Room 1750
9:00am - Noon
Topics will include: Strengthening Relationships, Fears and Concerns of Third Party Reproduction, and Coping with Infertility
Presenters include:
Monica Ashton, MSW, LCSW, Psychotherapist, The Healing Group
Laura Czajkowski, Ph.D., Associate Professor, Department of Psychiatry, University of Utah
Kerstin Daynes, author of Infertility: Help, Hope, and Healing
I will absolutely be there! I'm excited to help Kerstin however I can in this cause. It was wonderful talking with her. She understands the struggle and wants to help. And I love that. She is helping us with the 5k run and has already been a huge help. THANK YOU KERSTIN! (for all you do)
I hope to see you all at the event!
Friday, March 4, 2011
Rain
Trials in life (and dare I say, infertility especially) can feel like a neverending storm with swirling winds and harsh rains. It can be some of the darkest times of life, and has been so for me.
At one point I feel I almost lost my faith, the one thing I never thought I could loose. It was terrifying. I had never felt that kind of...despair. It was "raining" down on me so hard that I couldn't see and was beginning to feel lost. It was a desperate, lonely, dark, and scary place. I instantly recognized my need and wondered how I would feel any sort of peace again and if this, my personal "storm", was ever going to let up.
It took some additional heartache, some deep soul searching, some repentance (of course), as well as some wise words from a man I call 'dad' to start me on a new course and approach. This new course not only affects my approach to my struggle with fertility, but to life in general, and specifically, the rainy parts.
This experience has changed me. This storm has helped me be better. It no longer seems like a curse or punishment, but rather, a blessing. For the change in perspective, I'm so grateful. Where would I be now without this experience? Most likely in that dark place. *shutter* I no longer feel that pain anymore. I don't feel the anger and bitter feelings that seemed to consume too much of my life. I know that I'll still feel emotional, but I know that through the atonement of my Savior, the pain seems to be leaving me and has been replaced with hope, comfort, and love... It's.simply.amazing.
At this point I can honestly say that I feel blessed because of the rain, because of the storm. The Lord is with me! And this storm is making me who I am. I feel like I am literally being led through the dark and unknown by a loving Father who knows me and is willing to carry me through it all. I just have to trust Him in order to let Him. This strength is available to all of us and is only a prayer away. What a blessing.
"Don't you fret...
I don't feel any pain.
A little fall of rain
Can hardly hurt me now.
You're here!
That's all I need to know.
And you will keep me safe.
And you will keep me close.
And rain will make the flowers grow.
Just hold me now,
And let it be.
Shelter me, comfort me.
The rain that brings you here
Is Heaven blessed!
The skies begin to clear
And I'm at rest.
A breath away from where you are.
I've come home from so far.
So don't you fret...
I don't feel any pain.
And rain,
Will make the flowers...
Grow."
I'm still in the thick of my storm, but now...I'm dancing in the rain and looking for the flowers.
It's a much better place to be.
Tuesday, March 1, 2011
Strong
Sometimes it's hard to be strong.
Sometimes it's hard for me to be brave.
In the end though, I've found that when things aren't going 'right,'
when labs aren't normal,
and my body isn't acting how it's 'supposed to,'
I can find comfort knowing that God is in this.
He knows more than I do.
It doesn't matter what medication I take, or treatments I go through.
I believe that no matter what financial, physical, or emotional place I'm in,
He knows best.
He knows when.
He knows why.
He has a way that may not be my own...
but it's right.
Finding comfort and strength in this today.
Thursday, February 24, 2011
I Had A Dream
I don't often have meaningful dreams. I don't know much about the meaning of dreams either. But I recently had one that has had me thinking ever since...
In my dream, Marv and I were walking slowly towards this mansion. It was the largest building I had ever seen. It was tall, ornate, and dark in color. It was not inviting whatsoever, but for some reason I knew I had to go inside. Marv walked behind with his arms around me and seemed to be guiding me forward. The way we were moving towards this larger-than-life building was almost graceful; like a dance, slow and careful. I was naked. I was twisting and turning in his arms trying to walk the other way. For some reason, I did not want to approach this place. I suddenly felt painful stings on my chest and stomach. I looked down to see that the front of me was red and burned. Marv was being so gentle with me, but was pushing me closer and closer. I approached the steps and the dream ended. I woke up crying. I felt vulnerable, anxious, scared... and so much love for Marv.
I will never forget this dream. It brought with it some deep emotion. Anyone out there able to interpret dreams? Email me please! And thank you.
In my dream, Marv and I were walking slowly towards this mansion. It was the largest building I had ever seen. It was tall, ornate, and dark in color. It was not inviting whatsoever, but for some reason I knew I had to go inside. Marv walked behind with his arms around me and seemed to be guiding me forward. The way we were moving towards this larger-than-life building was almost graceful; like a dance, slow and careful. I was naked. I was twisting and turning in his arms trying to walk the other way. For some reason, I did not want to approach this place. I suddenly felt painful stings on my chest and stomach. I looked down to see that the front of me was red and burned. Marv was being so gentle with me, but was pushing me closer and closer. I approached the steps and the dream ended. I woke up crying. I felt vulnerable, anxious, scared... and so much love for Marv.
I will never forget this dream. It brought with it some deep emotion. Anyone out there able to interpret dreams? Email me please! And thank you.
Wednesday, February 16, 2011
Angry Birds and Heart Melt
Whenever my nephew sees me, he first asks, "Where's Alno?" I'm starting to think I'm being used for someone he sees as simply bigger and cooler... That's ok I guess.
I can't wait until a mini-Marv gets to enjoy simple things with this man. Oh...he will so enjoy every part of being a dad. I simply can't wait to see it...
Through tears last night, Marv expressed lessons he has learned through this trial. He's a special man, who will make an amazing father.
Standing by children...
Meanwhile, who knew two people addicted to Angry Birds could make me feel all...melt-y?
I can't wait until a mini-Marv gets to enjoy simple things with this man. Oh...he will so enjoy every part of being a dad. I simply can't wait to see it...
Through tears last night, Marv expressed lessons he has learned through this trial. He's a special man, who will make an amazing father.
Standing by children...
Meanwhile, who knew two people addicted to Angry Birds could make me feel all...melt-y?
Friday, February 4, 2011
I'm Jill...
A couple of weeks ago my sister (who I totally adore) asked if I could come to a party she was hosting. She wanted to have as many bodies there as she could because so many of her friends showed little interest. I understood.
I guess I didn't listen much to the description of the class. All I heard was 'books' and that my sister needed me. I was there.
So last night, the class began. A cute blonde stood up and introduced herself. Amanda. She was a consultant for Usborne books...childrens books. She shared a little about herself; stay at home mom to a 20 month old. She got into selling these books because she wanted to build her library for her little boy who is of course oh so cute and wonderful and perfect. She told cute story after cute story about little Daniel, and then said,
"Let's start by going around the room and introducing ourselves. Just say your name and how many kids you have."
I wanted to somehow sneak out. I wanted to become invisible or quickly become narcoleptic; anything to get me out of the suddenly extremely uncomfortable situation. I could feel myself getting emotional.
The introductions began at the end opposite me.
"Hi. I'm Mandy. I have a 6 year old, a 3 year old, and this little guy." (as she craddled a sleeping baby in her arms)
Ohs and Awws...
"Hi. I'm Natalie. I have a 5 year old, a 3 year old, and a 1 year old."
"I'm Janese. I have 3 grandchildren and 1 on the way."
"Hi. I'm Amanda. I'm having a boy in June."
Ohs...and How excitings!...
I was the last one.
"I'm Jill..."
The room went quiet. I felt so awkward and out of place. I fought back tears again. I shouldn't have come here.
Amanda asked,
"And you don't have any kids?"
"No..."
"Well thanks for coming anyway."
For the next hour or so I continued to fight tears. I bit my lip everytime I thought they might spill over. Usborne books sells the cutest reading materials for little ones. I wanted so badly to let myself look and buy, but it just seemed silly. It was silly for me to be there. It was silly for me to be included in that group of women at that time. It was stupid of me to agree to this.
And I did it to myself.
I left as soon as I could. I don't think the party was over, but it was for me. As soon as I opened the door to leave, those tears were finally let loose. I cried all the way home. I went home and ran what Marv calls a "Jilly hot" tub with some aroma touch essential oil from Doterra. I got in the steaming water, hugged my knees to my chest, and cried some more...
Marv came home and found me in the tub, still crying. He comforted me as always, and as only he can. As always, his reaction was to protect me from this ever happening again. (impossible) He got defensive and angry that I would be put in the situation. I had to explain that I really had done it to myself. It was nobody's fault but my own. Whenever this happens he tries to make it better instantly when I know that there is nothing he can do. This is just part of it. And all I can do is feel it. And it's ok.
But man...that was rough.
I guess I didn't listen much to the description of the class. All I heard was 'books' and that my sister needed me. I was there.
So last night, the class began. A cute blonde stood up and introduced herself. Amanda. She was a consultant for Usborne books...childrens books. She shared a little about herself; stay at home mom to a 20 month old. She got into selling these books because she wanted to build her library for her little boy who is of course oh so cute and wonderful and perfect. She told cute story after cute story about little Daniel, and then said,
"Let's start by going around the room and introducing ourselves. Just say your name and how many kids you have."
I wanted to somehow sneak out. I wanted to become invisible or quickly become narcoleptic; anything to get me out of the suddenly extremely uncomfortable situation. I could feel myself getting emotional.
The introductions began at the end opposite me.
"Hi. I'm Mandy. I have a 6 year old, a 3 year old, and this little guy." (as she craddled a sleeping baby in her arms)
Ohs and Awws...
"Hi. I'm Natalie. I have a 5 year old, a 3 year old, and a 1 year old."
"I'm Janese. I have 3 grandchildren and 1 on the way."
"Hi. I'm Amanda. I'm having a boy in June."
Ohs...and How excitings!...
I was the last one.
"I'm Jill..."
The room went quiet. I felt so awkward and out of place. I fought back tears again. I shouldn't have come here.
Amanda asked,
"And you don't have any kids?"
"No..."
"Well thanks for coming anyway."
For the next hour or so I continued to fight tears. I bit my lip everytime I thought they might spill over. Usborne books sells the cutest reading materials for little ones. I wanted so badly to let myself look and buy, but it just seemed silly. It was silly for me to be there. It was silly for me to be included in that group of women at that time. It was stupid of me to agree to this.
And I did it to myself.
I left as soon as I could. I don't think the party was over, but it was for me. As soon as I opened the door to leave, those tears were finally let loose. I cried all the way home. I went home and ran what Marv calls a "Jilly hot" tub with some aroma touch essential oil from Doterra. I got in the steaming water, hugged my knees to my chest, and cried some more...
Marv came home and found me in the tub, still crying. He comforted me as always, and as only he can. As always, his reaction was to protect me from this ever happening again. (impossible) He got defensive and angry that I would be put in the situation. I had to explain that I really had done it to myself. It was nobody's fault but my own. Whenever this happens he tries to make it better instantly when I know that there is nothing he can do. This is just part of it. And all I can do is feel it. And it's ok.
But man...that was rough.
Monday, January 31, 2011
Pound the Pavement for Parenthood 2010
October 15th I was discouraged after hearing that IVF was our only option. $12,000...(at least) After brainstorming with friends it was decided: yard sale, bake sale, 5K run. We had 3 weeks...three weeks to make these ideas work out to be successful fundraising.
I wasn't expecting huge success (I don't think any of us were) but we had tried so hard to get the word out about our little 5K. We were annoying to most people most likely, but it didn't matter. This was important to me. It was important to us. We had worked hard to make a difference, and we wanted to make it a good experience for all those who came to support us.
November 13th was the date. We were trying to beat the winter weather and were praying hard and hoping that cooler temperatures wouldn't scare away those who had committed to run.
6:00am that morning came quickly. It looked like midnight outside. I pulled Marv out of bed and put him to work hauling and moving, basically running any errand that suddenly came to mind. He's a good sport like that.
Everything was slowly coming together. Sarah and I hung the big banner with freezing fingers and got all of the raffle prizes displayed. We set up tables and signs. Balloons were placed at the start and finish. We had participant bags lined up and ready for finishers. The bake sale was stocked with delicious donated goods.
We could start to see our plans for the run come to life at the same time the rest of the world started waking up. There was still a lot to do and my fingers were numb now. Sarah and I decided to try to warm up for a bit in her car (all but 5 minutes) as we sent our husbands to recheck the route and hang more posters (oh and also, get ready to run boys!).
8:30am more "helpers" showed up and began to prepare their places and ask for direction on what they could do to help. We were very lucky to have so many wonderful friends and family who offered to volunteer in the early morning cold and during the run to help everything run smoothly. I was still praying it would warm up a bit for these wonderful runners.
9:05am our first runner showed up at the check in desk. I didn't recognize him. Butterflies also decided to show up at this time. Praying praying praying...for what? I didn't even know at that point.
9:40am I was surrounded by people, wonderful kind-hearted people who came to run. I was overwhelmed by the good people in my life: friends, neighbors, and family. I looked around to see that I didn't recognize near everyone that was there. Some of these generous people were strangers to me, lovely strangers who were touched by the struggle of infertility and came to show support for our desire to become parents.
9:55am, I told Becky that we should start having everyone head to the starting line. I couldn't speak in the megaphone. It was too much for me to speak to these runners who were bundled up and ready to "pound the pavement" for Marv and I. Too much.
10:00am, "On your mark, get set....GO!" I saw them start to run. I saw strollers being pushed. I heard people screaming "Woohoos!" I saw old friends, new friends, strangers, and my Marv running for us; for our family, for our children. I completely broke down. All of the work, late nights, and stress came to a head; a wonderful, glorious, humbling head. The emotion was one I have never before felt. It was happening. We had done it. And they were running.
Then I was nothing but a mess of tears; grateful relieving tears hiding behind a camera. I hugged my friends and said more prayers of thanks.
It warmed up during the run. I rode on the back of a neighbor's four-wheeler taking pictures of these people who were changing my life with each step they took on our crudely marked running route. There were so many smiles, waves, and cheers. I got emotional again on the back of that four-wheeler...
The winner ran it in 17 minutes. Crazy cool. I watched people finished. They were still smiling. Participation bags were passed out, as well as water and apples.
We had face painting and balloons for kids, and also enjoyed live music. It really was a good time, if I do say so.
11:00am we started the raffle. Coneys t-shirts and coupons. Oh how I LOVE Coneys. Great people and DELISH food. But seriously. Go check them out! We also gave away Etsy products and crafts, photography sessions, t-shirts, and gift cards.
One of the best parts of the day?...talking and meeting these wonderful supporters. (and did you notice the little guy in the top center? LOVE it)
(oh how wish I would've thought to take a group photo before everyone started to leave.)
The day ended for us with a trip to Coneys for custard and burgers, then home for essential oils and sweats in front of Harry Potter on Blue Ray. Oh...it was just perfect.
I will never forget November 13th. One of the best days of my life. I can't say thank you enough to Sarah and Becky, and our supportive husbands. It really wouldn't have happened without either one of these amazing women.
I am amazed at the participants, volunteers, donors, and sponsors who offered help in such a short amount of time. Thank you. Thank you all so much.
Love, Allen and Jill
So how do I know if this was a success? For me, Pound the Pavement for Parenthood ended up being a huge success mainly because this (now) organization is going to give us opportunity to meet and help so many wonderful deserving couples who are also wanting to become parents.
I met the Greens this weekend, a very special couple we have chosen to help plan their race this year. It's going to be bigger and better...and just as special. Pound the Pavement for Parenthood - May 14th. Mark your calendars and look for more details coming soon. You don't want to miss this opportunity to rally together and support this cause and especially these incredible people.
Amanda and Austin, I.Can't.Wait.
I wasn't expecting huge success (I don't think any of us were) but we had tried so hard to get the word out about our little 5K. We were annoying to most people most likely, but it didn't matter. This was important to me. It was important to us. We had worked hard to make a difference, and we wanted to make it a good experience for all those who came to support us.
November 13th was the date. We were trying to beat the winter weather and were praying hard and hoping that cooler temperatures wouldn't scare away those who had committed to run.
6:00am that morning came quickly. It looked like midnight outside. I pulled Marv out of bed and put him to work hauling and moving, basically running any errand that suddenly came to mind. He's a good sport like that.
Everything was slowly coming together. Sarah and I hung the big banner with freezing fingers and got all of the raffle prizes displayed. We set up tables and signs. Balloons were placed at the start and finish. We had participant bags lined up and ready for finishers. The bake sale was stocked with delicious donated goods.
We could start to see our plans for the run come to life at the same time the rest of the world started waking up. There was still a lot to do and my fingers were numb now. Sarah and I decided to try to warm up for a bit in her car (all but 5 minutes) as we sent our husbands to recheck the route and hang more posters (oh and also, get ready to run boys!).
8:30am more "helpers" showed up and began to prepare their places and ask for direction on what they could do to help. We were very lucky to have so many wonderful friends and family who offered to volunteer in the early morning cold and during the run to help everything run smoothly. I was still praying it would warm up a bit for these wonderful runners.
9:05am our first runner showed up at the check in desk. I didn't recognize him. Butterflies also decided to show up at this time. Praying praying praying...for what? I didn't even know at that point.
9:40am I was surrounded by people, wonderful kind-hearted people who came to run. I was overwhelmed by the good people in my life: friends, neighbors, and family. I looked around to see that I didn't recognize near everyone that was there. Some of these generous people were strangers to me, lovely strangers who were touched by the struggle of infertility and came to show support for our desire to become parents.
9:55am, I told Becky that we should start having everyone head to the starting line. I couldn't speak in the megaphone. It was too much for me to speak to these runners who were bundled up and ready to "pound the pavement" for Marv and I. Too much.
10:00am, "On your mark, get set....GO!" I saw them start to run. I saw strollers being pushed. I heard people screaming "Woohoos!" I saw old friends, new friends, strangers, and my Marv running for us; for our family, for our children. I completely broke down. All of the work, late nights, and stress came to a head; a wonderful, glorious, humbling head. The emotion was one I have never before felt. It was happening. We had done it. And they were running.
Then I was nothing but a mess of tears; grateful relieving tears hiding behind a camera. I hugged my friends and said more prayers of thanks.
It warmed up during the run. I rode on the back of a neighbor's four-wheeler taking pictures of these people who were changing my life with each step they took on our crudely marked running route. There were so many smiles, waves, and cheers. I got emotional again on the back of that four-wheeler...
The winner ran it in 17 minutes. Crazy cool. I watched people finished. They were still smiling. Participation bags were passed out, as well as water and apples.
We had face painting and balloons for kids, and also enjoyed live music. It really was a good time, if I do say so.
11:00am we started the raffle. Coneys t-shirts and coupons. Oh how I LOVE Coneys. Great people and DELISH food. But seriously. Go check them out! We also gave away Etsy products and crafts, photography sessions, t-shirts, and gift cards.
One of the best parts of the day?...talking and meeting these wonderful supporters. (and did you notice the little guy in the top center? LOVE it)
The day ended for us with a trip to Coneys for custard and burgers, then home for essential oils and sweats in front of Harry Potter on Blue Ray. Oh...it was just perfect.
I will never forget November 13th. One of the best days of my life. I can't say thank you enough to Sarah and Becky, and our supportive husbands. It really wouldn't have happened without either one of these amazing women.
I am amazed at the participants, volunteers, donors, and sponsors who offered help in such a short amount of time. Thank you. Thank you all so much.
Love, Allen and Jill
So how do I know if this was a success? For me, Pound the Pavement for Parenthood ended up being a huge success mainly because this (now) organization is going to give us opportunity to meet and help so many wonderful deserving couples who are also wanting to become parents.
I met the Greens this weekend, a very special couple we have chosen to help plan their race this year. It's going to be bigger and better...and just as special. Pound the Pavement for Parenthood - May 14th. Mark your calendars and look for more details coming soon. You don't want to miss this opportunity to rally together and support this cause and especially these incredible people.
Amanda and Austin, I.Can't.Wait.
Saturday, January 29, 2011
Harold B. Lee
Tuesday, January 25, 2011
The Hardest Part is the Hardest Part
Every woman who is fighting with fertility has a difficult time when other women announce their pregnancy. The 9 months following that announcement brings some pain with it as well. It just happens. We can't help it and neither can they. It's not that we are wishing ill will for that mom-to-be (or for heavens sake the precious babe). It isn't that we hate their good news either. It's just a reminder that the miracle still hasn't happened for us.
I think we can all agree that certain comments or attitudes towards pregnancy and motherhood in general can be blood boiling. Any comment that makes light of the miracle of pregnancy and child birth or ingraditude for the opportunity of becoming a mother sends me through the roof, and I don't mind telling people so (you can imagine). Overly whiney women or those who carry with them this sense of entitlement while pregnant are equally irriating.
I've noticed since talking to other "club members" that there are certain triggers to the woes of infertility. It seems the hard parts are different for each of us. It could simply be the complaints of others that are the hardest. Sometimes it's the baby showers, baby blessings, or holidays that are the most painful.
There is longing in this trial, whatever it is; longing for specific feelings and experiences in the process of becoming a mother. When others are experiencing and living our deepest dreams and specific desires, it's just hard. Some women long for the actual pregnancy more than any other part of it; to feel a growing child move inside of them and to feel that initial motherly bond (oh...). Some can't wait to enjoy the different stages of a child's growth. I've even heard one woman express her sincere desire for a teenage girl! (wow!)
For me, by far the hardest part is in fact the "hard part." I long for the actual delivery and hospital experience. It is so difficult for me to have a friend or family member in the hospital ready to deliver. The few days/weeks afterwards where the only focus is their new little family addition nearly kills me every time. I can't wait to experience that! I can't wait to feel the pain, the adrenaline, and the love we will have as labor and delivery happens. I want to be sore and exhausted from performing the special act of birthing a child. (call me crazy) I picture my husband holding our first (albeit slimey) child for the first time and every time, I ache...then I tear up.
Oh, it will be special indeed...
That is the hardest part for me.
What about you? Do share.
Note: Please! This is all difficult, but I do believe the "hardest part" is specific to each of us.
I think we can all agree that certain comments or attitudes towards pregnancy and motherhood in general can be blood boiling. Any comment that makes light of the miracle of pregnancy and child birth or ingraditude for the opportunity of becoming a mother sends me through the roof, and I don't mind telling people so (you can imagine). Overly whiney women or those who carry with them this sense of entitlement while pregnant are equally irriating.
I've noticed since talking to other "club members" that there are certain triggers to the woes of infertility. It seems the hard parts are different for each of us. It could simply be the complaints of others that are the hardest. Sometimes it's the baby showers, baby blessings, or holidays that are the most painful.
There is longing in this trial, whatever it is; longing for specific feelings and experiences in the process of becoming a mother. When others are experiencing and living our deepest dreams and specific desires, it's just hard. Some women long for the actual pregnancy more than any other part of it; to feel a growing child move inside of them and to feel that initial motherly bond (oh...). Some can't wait to enjoy the different stages of a child's growth. I've even heard one woman express her sincere desire for a teenage girl! (wow!)
For me, by far the hardest part is in fact the "hard part." I long for the actual delivery and hospital experience. It is so difficult for me to have a friend or family member in the hospital ready to deliver. The few days/weeks afterwards where the only focus is their new little family addition nearly kills me every time. I can't wait to experience that! I can't wait to feel the pain, the adrenaline, and the love we will have as labor and delivery happens. I want to be sore and exhausted from performing the special act of birthing a child. (call me crazy) I picture my husband holding our first (albeit slimey) child for the first time and every time, I ache...then I tear up.
Oh, it will be special indeed...
That is the hardest part for me.
What about you? Do share.
Note: Please! This is all difficult, but I do believe the "hardest part" is specific to each of us.
Saturday, January 15, 2011
Complete Epiphany
Last night was game night. Just me, Marv, a stack of games, and the best songs from every good musical (so the best! period) playing on CD. It was simple, but oh so fun! I had an epiphany during our game of Rummikub; an honest-to-goodness moment of clarity.
For the last 3 years I have been waiting, praying, and preparing for me to finally feel complete. I've always thought, 'When we have children, then our family will be complete.' 'When I get to fulfill my role as wife and mother, then I will feel like I am fulfilling my life's purpose.' 'When I get to experience that part of life, then I will be able to experience all of the emotion and love that this life has to offer.' And so on...
Last night, during our 4th game of Skip-Bo, I turned and looked at Marv. He was doing "the Carlton" (and quite well I might add) to a song from Hairspray, and at that moment I realized; 'if my life is this and only this for the rest of forever, I will live a great and happy life.'
This thought triggered a rush of emotions and insight. I learned more at that moment about the plan that God has for me than I feel I ever have. And who knew that Skip-Bo would do that for a person?!
I expressed all of my revelations as they came to mind, "We'll be ok... I'll be ok!... We're going to be happy!... I am satisfied and feel complete... I'm finally there!" Marv (the smart and faithful man that he is) then looked me square in the eyes and said, "I've been there for a while..."
I've come to that point. I've come to accept whatever God's will. And I mean it. Up to this point, perhaps I never truly had. Maybe this is yet another part of the process I've had to go through and come to. I know the Lord knows what will make me happy, better than I do. I think in a way I have had blinders on during this process. For me, I get so fixated on baby, BABY, BABY that I don't turn around too often to see and enjoy the life that is mine right now. Graditude, yes. But last night was more than just 'counting my blessings.' I felt like I was... filled. It was a unique experience.
Yes, we are going to do IVF. Yes, I will still have good and bad days. BUT, if we don't have kids in this lifetime, we will be ok. We will play, dance, sing, and love for forever. And how perfect is that?!
I am complete.
I am happy.
And it's in large part because of him.
For the last 3 years I have been waiting, praying, and preparing for me to finally feel complete. I've always thought, 'When we have children, then our family will be complete.' 'When I get to fulfill my role as wife and mother, then I will feel like I am fulfilling my life's purpose.' 'When I get to experience that part of life, then I will be able to experience all of the emotion and love that this life has to offer.' And so on...
Last night, during our 4th game of Skip-Bo, I turned and looked at Marv. He was doing "the Carlton" (and quite well I might add) to a song from Hairspray, and at that moment I realized; 'if my life is this and only this for the rest of forever, I will live a great and happy life.'
This thought triggered a rush of emotions and insight. I learned more at that moment about the plan that God has for me than I feel I ever have. And who knew that Skip-Bo would do that for a person?!
I expressed all of my revelations as they came to mind, "We'll be ok... I'll be ok!... We're going to be happy!... I am satisfied and feel complete... I'm finally there!" Marv (the smart and faithful man that he is) then looked me square in the eyes and said, "I've been there for a while..."
I've come to that point. I've come to accept whatever God's will. And I mean it. Up to this point, perhaps I never truly had. Maybe this is yet another part of the process I've had to go through and come to. I know the Lord knows what will make me happy, better than I do. I think in a way I have had blinders on during this process. For me, I get so fixated on baby, BABY, BABY that I don't turn around too often to see and enjoy the life that is mine right now. Graditude, yes. But last night was more than just 'counting my blessings.' I felt like I was... filled. It was a unique experience.
Yes, we are going to do IVF. Yes, I will still have good and bad days. BUT, if we don't have kids in this lifetime, we will be ok. We will play, dance, sing, and love for forever. And how perfect is that?!
I am complete.
I am happy.
And it's in large part because of him.
Monday, January 10, 2011
Poor Me Wave (and jabs at my uterus)
Sometimes I wake up in the morning and instantly know that it's going to be what I call a "bad baby day." I just know that inevitably at some point during the day I'm going to want to scream, which will lead me to tears, and of course be the reason I find myself eating a lot of chocolate in the comfort of my couch waiting for Marv to come home and make the world look good once more. But I'm not going to post about that again, am I? (well, not today) No. But I do have some to say about myself falling victim to the wave of 'poor me.'
Sometimes blogs make me sad. Sometimes looking at facebook makes a good day not so much. Am I alone in this?... I often find myself getting discouraged because of the most trivial things. It's almost always something silly, but sometimes those silly things start to feel more like small jabs at my heart (and uterus).
When I look at others play-by-play of life, I sometimes feel this wave of sad come over me. Then negative thoughts and questions come to my mind. What good does that do?! Really. Here are a few of todays negative musings:
"When will it be my turn?..."
"Why does everyone have that dang pregnancy countdown on their sidebar?!"
(no offense)
"I want to take pictures of my growing belly...
(usually in a whiney voice)"
Silly? Yes. But it happens.
I've decided I'm going to block those little jabs from now on. (my uterus has had enough lately anyway - blame Dr Heiner). I have enough "bad baby days" as it is. Why do anything, no matter how small, that will invite negative thinking? I'm just going to stop. I'm trying to stay as positive as I can through all of this (while still allowing myself to feel), so when I sense that a wave of poor me is starting to build, and can see that something silly has created that wave...
I'm out.
Sometimes blogs make me sad. Sometimes looking at facebook makes a good day not so much. Am I alone in this?... I often find myself getting discouraged because of the most trivial things. It's almost always something silly, but sometimes those silly things start to feel more like small jabs at my heart (and uterus).
When I look at others play-by-play of life, I sometimes feel this wave of sad come over me. Then negative thoughts and questions come to my mind. What good does that do?! Really. Here are a few of todays negative musings:
"Why does everyone have that dang pregnancy countdown on their sidebar?!"
(no offense)
"I want to take pictures of my growing belly...
(usually in a whiney voice)"
Silly? Yes. But it happens.
I've decided I'm going to block those little jabs from now on. (my uterus has had enough lately anyway - blame Dr Heiner). I have enough "bad baby days" as it is. Why do anything, no matter how small, that will invite negative thinking? I'm just going to stop. I'm trying to stay as positive as I can through all of this (while still allowing myself to feel), so when I sense that a wave of poor me is starting to build, and can see that something silly has created that wave...
I'm out.
Friday, January 7, 2011
Ready
Psalm 40:1-4
I feel much better.
After a lot of prayers,
I finally feel confident.
It will be ok,
no matter what happens.
I'm ready for it,
every scary and risky part of it.
Thank you all for the encouraging emails. I want to hug each of you. So...pretend. I pray for each one of you amazing women, so please know that I'm here; ready to listen and share in your struggle. We can do this!
Tuesday, January 4, 2011
Doubt
Today I woke up with a yucky feeling. That has been happening to me occasionally when I think about IVF and me. (I can't help but wonder if we'll make a good couple?) There are so many questions and zero answers. I get this sick feeling in my stomach and a clouded head where no matter how I try, I can't make sense of anything. I feel like I can't think straight, and nothing I'm doing or supposed to be doing seems right or satisfying. Nothing. I've decided this is doubt and I'm not handling it well...
Last week I began to think about the New Year. I love how each January 1st we get an opportunity to refresh. I have set goals just like everyone for 2011 and I've been off to a good start (about 1 week). I avoided the cliche weight lose resolution (although I could stand to loose a few). Instead, I decided to focus on my spiritual and emotional self this year. I have really been enjoying the results from the changes I've made. These changes are small, so the kind I can stick with, but I'm anticipating big benefits in different aspects of life for both Marv and I. I'm excited about it.
What I'm hoping now is for my yucky feelings to somehow be remedied by my new 2011 approach to happiness...because this is just uncomfortable.
(Please note: at times I do get excited and feel 'ready' for our IVF. I go back and forth quickly. Weird. Can any of my IVF sisters shine some light on me?)
Last week I began to think about the New Year. I love how each January 1st we get an opportunity to refresh. I have set goals just like everyone for 2011 and I've been off to a good start (about 1 week). I avoided the cliche weight lose resolution (although I could stand to loose a few). Instead, I decided to focus on my spiritual and emotional self this year. I have really been enjoying the results from the changes I've made. These changes are small, so the kind I can stick with, but I'm anticipating big benefits in different aspects of life for both Marv and I. I'm excited about it.
What I'm hoping now is for my yucky feelings to somehow be remedied by my new 2011 approach to happiness...because this is just uncomfortable.
(Please note: at times I do get excited and feel 'ready' for our IVF. I go back and forth quickly. Weird. Can any of my IVF sisters shine some light on me?)
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