Holidays

'Are they harder for you?'

I was asked that question recently so of course, I started thinking. Here's my answer. No.

The holidays make me reflect on life's experiences, as well as be so thankful for the good family and friends that I have. It's fun for me to be able to play with neices and nephews and experience a little of Christmas through their eyes. How exciting is this time of year for children?! So many people around to play with, treats to eat, presents to open, toys to play with, traditions, stories, games, laughing, staying up late...does it get better?!

It really is the most wonderful time of the year. During all of these festivities, do I think of my reality of not having children yet? Yes! But, instead of going to that sad place, I start to dream...

What will Santa be like at our house? What kind of fun family traditions will we do in our family? How will we always keep Christ as the center?
I know it can be difficult, and it is so easy to go down that slippery slope of despair and 'why', but this has helped me. For now, the holidays will stay a time of dreaming. You should try it. I hope you all had a wonderful Christmas. Looking forward to New Years!

Feel

I have received some amazing emails over the last couple of days. I'm working on responding to each one. After that article "hit the fan," even more internet angels have come into my life, and I've gained more and deeper perspective. So cool.

I did get some surprising emails as well. I'll explain.

I spent the day Monday crying on/off reading email after email of well wishes, stories of hope, advice, and getting introduced to sisters in the struggle (the "club" if you will - please don't join). I now have more women to pray for unfortunately, but that many more opportunities to celebrate the day they tell me their little miracle happened.

Another facet of this perspective has come that I didn't anticipate. Unfortunately I was hurt by some. I feel like some women who at one point experienced the lonliness of infertility...forget somehow. They forget how it feels to deal. Perhaps they get caught up finally being knee deep in diapers and chasing toddlers that they look back on their former self and laugh, as if she were some silly girl who didn't realize the good things that were going to happen. I was advised to "stop crying..."

I'm sorry. I'm not able to see the future. All I can see is what I learn from the past. I can tell you honestly that everything I've learned through this experience is what I've allowed myself to feel during it. To feel, is to learn. So I will not change or appologize for how I currently feel, whether it is hope or discouragement or even sadness. I will feel. And I encourage you to do the same. There is no shame in this.

Crying to me does not mean weekness, hopelessness, or depression. It means I'm letting my heart hurt and heal and learn what I need to. So excuse me for not taking that advice. I will stay hopeful, but I will also cry when I feel like I need to cry. I hope that when (note the positive thinking) I have babies of my own, I won't "look back at my former self and tell her to stop crying." I'm going to look back at her and see the growth that comes from feeling through painful learning experiences. This is a process afterall. And feeling is a big part of it.

Keep feeling "club" memebers!..and may I suggest to the alumni, remember.

A quick thank you to "my Diana." What would I do without you?

Deseret News

Hikari did a wonderful job. People have been asking me when this article would run. Well, here you go. It's in this morning's paper. Click here to view the full article. Thank you Hikari!

To Be Able

The last few days have been hard. Who knows why? In some ways the hard days have been harder with our daunting plan always poking at me in the back of my mind. I can't shake the discouraging reality of $$$. It's pathetic how that silly paper can run our lives, even emotionally. I've determined I am not going to let it.

We found out some bad news this week. $26,000 instead of $12,000. Ok. Then yesterday for some reason I became completely unstable at church. I couldn't get it together.

It had already been a hard couple of days. There were baby blessings (of course, fast sunday), but I was ready for it. The first one, a little boy. I'm ok. The second blessing was a little girl, cutest little family blessed with two darling boys (one who we teach in our sunbeams class) and now this precious little girl. Her dad and the other men circled around her to give her a name and a blessing. In the blessing her dad said, "I bless you to be able to have children..."

I came unglued.

These words for some reason made me start...grieving (for lack of a better term) like I never had before. I thought of all the women out there who are, have, and will struggle with "being able." What if this new little one would have to? I thought of my friends and those who I have come in contact with through this blog, all women who are good and deserving wanna-be mothers. Why so hard for us?! I thought of my own struggle (pity party moment) and how badly I just want my babies here. I will do whatever it takes... And all of this just hurt my heart. I was physically, emotionally, and mentally hurting.

Then everywhere I looked in that chapel, I saw babies, and I couldn't take it anymore. We left with me cowering and hiding my sobs. I felt embarrassed and silly.

Oh to be able ...