100%

I think I have had 15,000 different posts start in my head over the last few weeks. FIFTEEN THOUSAND. I KNOW! (said like Monica Geller) Needless to say, much has been going on in the life of Jilly and Marv. 99.0% of it has made me happy, hopeful, grateful, and amazed. The other 1%...that negative, daunting, lonely 1% that seems to always be looming, well, is there an escape from it?

I've lately been trying to determine how I can possibly create a life where I can be 100% happy. Perfectly satisfied. And Marv too. Maybe that is unrealistic? But I don't think so.

I'm a dreamer. Since I said 'yes' to Marv, I have dreamed up a delightful life for us. And I immediately started dreaming of our children. Because of recent events, my dreams have been forced to move beyond a child. I really have no choice after a failed (and unbelievable abnormal) IVF cycle, do I? Perhaps a defense or coping mechanism? I don't know, but up until a few months ago, I really only had the dream of motherhood. A dream that included Marv being dad to some chubby goodness looking particularly like us. I dreamed of taking pictures of this child fishing with Marv, cooking with me, and camping with us. What a dream.

I think it has kept me pre-occupied. I think it actually has kept me too occupied. Why have I kept that 1% on hold, unable to enjoy it as if it were happiness reserved only if children moved from dream to reality? Why have I held myself (and my Marv) back from fully enjoying our lives together? It's too bad. Life really can be too wonderful to not enjoy it fully.

So here I am. Repentant and hopeful for the life we are creating together. Whatever it turns out to be, I know it can be fantastic if I choose to let that 99% of good finally overtake that measley ever-lingering 1%. Silly. And exciting.

28

"Not yet. It's so frustrating! I keep telling her it's time..."

That's the conversation I walked into at work today.
I didn't butt in.
I'm still the new guy, you see.

"She'll be 28! And they're not even close! It's going to be too late to start their family if she doesn't hurry. She's gotta have at least 5 grandbabies for me!" (chuckles)

I instantly hurt for this woman, this "she" I didn't even know.
What if she has been trying to have a baby?
How could this wanna-be-grandma expect this of her daughter-in-law?
"28 and not even close?"

I'm 28.
I'm "not even close" either.
I felt nauseous.

Today was a yucky day for me. It was one of those days where I was slapped in the face by life; where I had expected myself to be...and where I actually am. I'm 28. I have not yet graduated with a college degree. No baby. And is her pregnancy really almost over?! All these little realities made me want to escape to somewhere, a place where I can go on adventures; where I can explore and experience new places with just my Marv and my camera. I want to get away from all of the expectations I dared have for myself. I want to get out of this routine of work and watching pregnancies.

It's getting old (and that 'it's' can include me, I suppose). And remember this? Here we go again I'm afraid...

Mother's Day

I'm not fond of the day we call Mother's Day. I am fond of my mother, nevertheless. I love and respect her more than either one of us would feel comfortable discussing. She.is.amazing at everything she does, including mothering.

Sometimes my infertility hits me like a ton of bricks. Little somethings will trigger those feelings of "why not me?" and "will it ever happen?" It's hard to think about how long those feelings have been with me; harder still thinking of how long I possibly have to go...

Mother's day is a terrible day (humble opinion). I think it is wonderful to celebrate the amazing women in our lives, to reflect on their goodness, and to thank them for all they have done and do. BUT, it can always be a day of pain for so many women.: those who are not married, those of us in the depths of infertility longing for the title, and those who have lost children... To us, it is simply a day to be reminded over and over again of what we want most.

SO...I'm boycotting the day. (yes, even church - gasp!) And I'm renaming the day WOMEN'S DAY! I'm going to celebrate every year from this point on, the WOMEN in my life who are strong, lovely, and good on this holiday. Feel free to join me! I can call around to calendar companies and see what I can do. ;)

The ability to love and nurture are in all women (not just those who have children) and that alone should be remembered and celebrated.

Happy Women's Day to you all!