Website Launched!

FINALLY! So many hours, sweat, and tears have gone into getting Pound the Pavement for Parenthood website up and going.
I'm so relieved...I can't even attempt to explain how I feel.
If you are interested at all in joining us, please register! There are so many of you that I would love to meet afterall, and what better way?
Hope to see you all there!

Little Miracles

"And if thou shouldst be cast into the pit, or into the hands of murderers, and the sentence of death passed upon thee; if thou be cast into the deep; if the billowing surge conspire against thee; if fierce winds become thine enemy; if the heavens gather blackness, and all the elements combine to hedge up the way; and above all, if the very jaws of hell shall gape open the mouth wide after thee, know thou, my {daughter}, that all these things shall give thee experience, and shall be for thy good." D&C 122:7

The last few days have been a whirlwind, an emotional rollercoaster, and an opportunity to watch the Lord at work. In many ways, this not-even-a-week-since-the-appointment, has been some of the hardest days of my last three years.

People may wonder why. Afterall, "this is so exciting to have a plan...at least {I} know the next step...and now {we} know what {we} need to do..." All of this is all very fine and good. In a small way it is comforting, but it should be said and realized that many lonely emotions come with knowing and digesting our very slim chances, as well as doing all I can to raise these precious funds to try just a little harder to get our babies here.

I think people view IVF as for sure. Perhaps that is why I get the responses I do...as if the journey is over. It is just starting. In a way, this process is a whole other journey in itself. I've felt and started to deal with a whole set of different and deeper emotions. Hopefully, just like all hard things, I will come out better for it.

I've been blessed to recognize the little miracles that are happening around me. The Lord truly works through other people. I read an email from a friend yesterday that brought comfort, and I believe what was said, "It is simply not intended for any of us to lift the load alone." I can avidly say, I have not been lifting this load on my own. Whenever it starts to feel that way, someone is sent to help and lift me up. Miracle.

I will be forever grateful to those who are so willingly and selflessly helping me to get things organized and planned. I learned last night that the 5K is going to happen on November 13th without any purchase of permit through the city (which is in my opinion an act of God). I don't know exactly how this is all happening so fast, but I know why...and I know who is in charge.

I hope you can find comfort today in recognizing the small miracles that take place throughout this process: the friendships that are made, the small windows of comfort that are granted after prayer, the way we can be guided in all things and especially in the decisions we make. Most importantly, I hope we can focus on the people we can be after this "billowing surge conspires" against us. I hope we can glimpse at the way we are seen in His eyes, and know that it is best. I know He is molding me into who He wants me to be, and I believe that is where the true and lasting miracle lies.

"And whoso receiveth you, there I will be also, for I will go before your face. I will be on your right hand and on your left, and my Spirit shall be in your hearts, and mine angels round about you, to bear you up." D&C 84:88

For Sure

The shower is definitely the best place for crying, weeping, sobbing, any break down of any kind, really.
In case you were wondering, it is.
Rough day, rough night...
Praying for peace today, as well as for many of you.

5K Update

I'm excited (and a bit overwhelmed) to be planning this 5K run. There's alot that goes into it! Who knew?!

Last night, 2 dear friends joined me in my living room for a bit of brainstorming. I sat there rather numb. My mind is still spinning I suppose... Those two lovely women have been and will continue to be a huge help and support to Marv and I. I really love them. Perhaps they didn't know what they were getting into when they decided to be my friend. Suckers! (*wink*)

We've decided that "Pounding the Pavement for Parenthood"(clever huh?) will take place November 13 (tenatively). The race will start at 10 am and will end at a park where we will enjoy a bake sale, goodie bags for participants, and possibly some live entertainment. There will also be raffles to be involved in where you can win gift certificates from various local venders. I think it really will be a fun day (and emotional for me I'm sure).

Pre-registration will be $15 and will go through November 6. I'll be putting up a link soon to get registration going. Same-day registration will be $20 and all donations will be genuinely appreciated.

I've also decided that if all goes well and this race is a success I'd really like to keep it going in years to come. Perhaps I could help another couple who has been struggling with fertility. No matter if this treatment works for us or not, I want to help. Infertility is a cause that will never leave me and I hope to make a difference no matter how small.

Please let me know if you are at all interested in helping with this charity run: donating, sponsoring, volunterring, or running/walking. I hope to get alot of people involved not only for our benefit, but for infertility awareness, as well as advertising for local small businesses. I hope this can be something that will help people realize how many people are affected by this struggle and support those of us who are.

Now, I can't express my appreciation for the support we have felt so far. I have been so touched by caring emails from women (strangers until now) who have shared their stories of hope and encouragement with me the last few days. It makes a huge difference for me to stay positive through this process and these emails have been an answer to prayers. Thank you for taking the time. I am so grateful for it.

I hope to meet and chat with any readers someday.
Perhaps at the 5K?
Or maybe through photography? (if you are interested, click here)
I really do feel blessed for the people in my life and for the support I've felt.
Thank you more than I can say.

Love,

Jill (mom wanna-be, photographer, yard saleswoman, and race director?)

Our New Plan

Well, it's done. We did it. It's over. We went and spent an hour with a reproductive specialist discussing our issues, dreams, desires...and money. We now have a definite plan. (however daunting it may seem)

The doctor was great. He had a nice office and a grandpa vibe about him. It was strangely comforting.

Turns out our chances for conceiving on our own is a whopping 4%. He said we shouldn't even try IUI because the amount of scarring from my endometriosis. Along with that, the probable "hostile chemical environment" from the wretched disease makes it so sperm/embryo don't really stand a chance. Awesome body, awesome.

I learned alot more about endometriosis and the causes so if you're interested, let me know and I will share the nasty news.

After we talked with my new "grandpa" friend, we met with his nurse and financial assistant. They threw schedules and numbers at us. I think we were both fairly numb at this point. I don't know how much was really digested. I remember looking at Marv while we waited for more paperwork, "As soon as we walk outta here, I'm going to cry." (I was so brave the whole time) His response? "Why because you're going to get a baby?!" (difference between men and women my blogging friends)

So we walked outta there.
And I cried for around 2 hours...

Now I'm racking my brain trying to figure out ways to raise and save money. I have a HUGE yard sale in mind, photo sessions to basically give away (in hopes of raising ok money quickly - and overwhelming myself in a photography way), and hopefully putting on a 5k run. More details to come.

PLEASE let me know if you can help out in any way. Anything will help! Ideas, donations, anything! If you work for a company who may be interested in donating or helping out with a run, will you please email me?

It's a vulnerable and humbling experience to ask for help, but we'll do whatever we have to in order to get our babies here.

Much love world,

Jill and Allen

(and won't he make an amazing father?!...sigh)

Questions to Prepare?

I've been a little nervous this week. Here's why: I'm seeing the specialist of miracles soon and quite frankly I don't think I'm ready for the challenge just yet. What's the challenge you ask? Well, one thing you must realize is when you get the chance to speak to such specialists about specifically you and your actual situation, well...it's valuable time friends. These people perform miracles! Apparently miracle workers (and their time) cost regular people like me and Marv some major money. The challenge then becomes being prepared to make the most of your allotment, and so, your money.

So...
Lately I've been trying to think of all the possible questions I might have at the time. And by "time" I mean throughout the entire process of whatever the miracle worker decides. Actually, anything I may want to address or consider should be brought up at this very visit, this special me time with my miracle worker! I mean really, how am I to anticipate what questions I will have and what to address in order to cover all the unknown issues that may come up during this very aggressive route Marv and I have/may decide to take?

Clearly, I will have to summon all my psychic powers to try to determine what issues, problems, side effects, and concerns I may have in the next few months.

Difficult, yes?
I should ask for help, no?

And so...I am.

emails/comments always welcome and appreciated.

Chiropractor

She has really screwed me up. I've had two adjustments, one Friday and another yesterday. Today the world won't stop spinning. I don't think I've ever been this dizzy. I've felt like I'm going to fall over multiple times and nausea has set in. I feel terrible. I've had headaches since Friday and I move like a 90 year old woman. I'm so sore...

...not loving this.

What's Fair?

I was talking with a good friend of mine the other day. Like me, she is struggling with infertility. It's good to release emotion and even better to do so with someone who truly understands; which is why one thing she said shocked me. I've heard this same feeling expressed since, from other women:

"I feel bad complaining to you. I haven't been going through it as long as you have, so it's really not fair for me to complain..."

What?! I just want to make one thing quite clear. In my mind, no matter how long you've been wanting/trying for pregnancy, no matter what treatments you've tried or health situation you're dealing with, none of this is fair! We are all dealing with the same emotions and riding the same rollar coaster every month. None of it is fun or fair to handle. There are hundreds...thousands of women who have been trying for a lot longer than I have, but I don't feel sorry complaining openly to the universe about how difficult it is. Because it is!

Please please please try not to compare to others! If anything, that is what's unfair. Comparing your situation to another woman/couple is just one more negative emotion for you to deal with, one more feeling of insecurity and inadequacy. Don't do it to yourself!

I think we all can (and need to) recognize this trial for what it is...HARD. Don't feel sorry for feeling the emotions you do during this process, and DO NOT add to it! Feeling is healing. Let yourself feel and don't give excuses or (for goodness sake) make it worse.

I hope I don't hear this again, because my heart aches for every woman that has expressed this to me. It's not fair for you to treat yourself that way. If anything I'm grateful to talk to anyone who can empathize with me at all...no need to compare.

Some days are hard, some more than others. I'm not afraid to say it, and neither should you!

If you need someone to talk to...here I am.

Really.

Didn't Make It

Today I experienced something I never had before.
Today I didn't make it to the bathroom in time.
(not for any reason you may be thinking).
Today some of my co-workers saw me breakdown...
an incredibly vulnerable state for the workplace.
It's been horrible today, and it was the first time I couldn't control myself.

I work at Alpine Pediatrics. Pediatrics. That means I'm surrounded by children. all.day.long. I see and work with newborns everyday. I see how some kids are treated, both good and terrible. Quite often at work, I've found myself in the bathroom. It's the only place I can go when it's just too much.

I cry.
I control.
I carry on.
(usually)
But today...I didn't make it.

All Around

Pregnacy is all around me. Really. I believe everyone in my small little part of the world is swollen with child. It's been like this for years now. Trust me.

This is the cycle so far as I know it:
First, every woman I see, talk to, work with, or live by announce to me their joys of expecting. Often it's a secret just for me to know, which I really don't understand. Is that supposed to make me feel so special? Although, I appreciate the gesture.

Second, I watch as they prepare. They get to buy clothes, furniature, and other preparatory cuteness in order to welcome their unborn in the most comfortable way. In other words, they celebrate; usually for 8 months or so. And of course, I get to witness and participate in the showering kind of such celebration.

Third, they complain because it's just oh so hard. They are so uncomfortable and the reality of pregnancy just sucks for them. I'm sure it really is uncomfortable. I get that. I do...but I don't. Is it really so terrible? You are carrying a child to health! Please enjoy that ability. I have vowed to perhaps focus on the health of my child, more than choose a 'get it outta me' attitude.

Fourth, they continue their complaints until the joyous day when a miracle arrives. They forget how uncomfortable it was to have a foot in your ribs or a contraction or two. Rarely are they sorry for previous complaints of said miracle, although, didn't your perfect little one teach you that maybe you should be?

Fifth, after a year or two, they "try" for a couple of months (if) and the cycle starts over again.

This completes the recurring cycle of my emotional life. I'm going to be honest here. (the reason I created this blog) I hate this cycle. I'm so done with it.

I called Dr Heiner today and set up an appointment. He is a specialist of miracles. I get to consult with him about all my woes and problems next month. Hopefully he can help me...before the next cycle begins.

It's truth according to me. Sorry if I offend.

Kristina the Chiropractor

Yesterday I was able to meet with Kristina. She is a chiropractor in Salt Lake City who specializes in women's health and infertility. Yes, you read that right...a chiropractor with that specialty. I was intrigued, and I'm already trying the homeopathic method, so I made an appointment. I was referred to her by a friend of a friend. (thanks Sarah) Kristina and I talked for over an hour about different methods of acheiving health and healing. It was interesting.

For those who don't know, I work in the medical field so I have a love and appreciation for western medicine and hope to work in the field for a long time. Most people in the medical community seem look at chiropractic methods as merely a position above massage therapy, with no 'real' treatment. Perhaps both ends claim too much. I have recently found a new appreciation and acceptance of more natural ways and believe there can be a balance found. I explained to Kristina about this balance of treatment. She agreed.

The human body is amazing, and it's ability to heal and repair is something I continue to find facsinating. Kristina explained to me that she believes the nervous system has alot to do with how our bodies not only function, but how well it is able to heal and repair itself. She claims that if something in the system is off (alignment of vertebrae/subluxation), messages may not be delivered as effectly as it possibly could, which then affects how an organ/organ system may function. She also told me that if my pelvis isn't aligned, my uterus may not be placed in the proper position to conceive. She simply asked that I keep an open mind while working with her. I'll give anything a try at this point...I have so far.

I don't know if this woman will be able to help me conceive as she claims, but if anything...perhaps she can help with my low back pain?

The take away message for me was: In order for treatments to work more effectively (whatever treatment it may be), my body will function properly when all my systems are working together as well as they can. I DO believe that and I'm excited to work with Kristina this month and attempt to acheive more health...her way.

If anyone is interested in meeting with Kristina, she told me she would give free consultations, X-rays, and scans if you give my name when scheduling. Not a bad idea. She's terribly sweet and genuinely wanting to help as many women as possible.

Any thoughts?

Pardon Me

Have you ever felt so insecure with yourself that you've felt out of place even in the most familiar circumstance?
Have you ever felt stress; the kind of stress that stretches you so thin, you forget who you are and what you know?
Here I am.
And I'm trying to figure it (me) out.
If you can't tell, there is much that is going through my thought processes.
Please excuse me while I try to make sense of it all, and try to piece myself back together.



While we all wait for that to happen...
Does anyone have any insight on the effects of stress and infertility? I'm curious and would love to hear from anyone who could enlighten me. Please comment or email with any advice or love. I would surely appreciate it.
Thank you.

'Believe'

I've found that there are certain persons who seem to waltz into my life just when I need them.
Does that happen to you?
I feel so lucky.
I believe that someone somewhere knows that I need these people and that someone somewhere seems to align the universe just right in order for me to discover these perfectly placed people.
(wow. vague and aliteration. awesome)

I have a friend. I've known him my whole life (we'll call him Mark). He's married now...to my new friend (we'll call her Che). I've known her for only a few measley months, but those months must be longer than most, I swear. We met eachother for the first time for lunch at Kneaders (without my friend, the husband. aren't we adventurous?) She was so easy to talk to. Smart. Grounded. Supportive. We got along well.

Recently, she sent me this in the mail.


It's full of insightful little tid bits from wise people.

Needless to say, I teared up and said a prayer of thanks to that 'someone somewhere' who brought this kind of support into my life. To say I appreciate it wouldn't be enough.

This is where it stays in my home. It is a lovely reminder of lessons learned, good people, and really the best way to take this journey.


She is one of those perfectly placed people. Thank you Che!

Ideal Family

This interview has had me thinking. Luckily I wasn't stumped by the questions I was asked, but it was impossible to prepare any response. I was mostly focused on making clear that this is my feeling and experience so not to offend others. The majority of my answers were lessons learned throughout this journey.

One question she asked was, "How has your view or idea of 'family' changed? Or has it?" Good question right? Luckily, that too was a recent lesson/discovery.

For the last couple of years, I have been 'preparing' for the ideal of my family. I have been trying to prepare financially, emotionally, and physically for our children. (Yes, I even painted my "nursery." You can call me crazy if you wish). I guess I had it in my mind that the sort of family I was wishing or hoping for hasn't been granted yet. I thought that our children were what would make family.

About a month ago, I realized my family...and I appologized to Allen. He is it! Sounds like a juvenile realization, right? You learn as a child that there are diffent sizes and types of family. My mind always taught me that my type would be one with kids. I know now that it is just as important if not more to nurture my present family and keep us strong and happy. It's been a goal of mine since.

I don't want to look back in a few years from now (or whenever our family grows) and regret not making the most of our little family and the time Allen and I have together. I can learn alot from him and I know we are stronger together, so why not focus on that right now?

I have been. And it's delightful.

Interview

A couple of weeks ago I read an email from Hikari.
She is a reporter for the Deseret News Mormon Times.
In the email she told me she was writing an article on infertility in the Mormon culture and the insensitivity couples struggling may face.
She was doing research online and came across this blog.
She asked if she could interview me.
I was intrigued. Also, maybe a little nervous.
Her intent seems so appropriate and sincere.
After a couple of back and forth emails, I agreed to meet with her in my home.

Last night she came over and we chatted for over an hour.
It was a great conversation.
It wasn't just awkward on-the-spot Q&A.
It was a discussion...only with a tape recorder. :)
I'm so glad she decided to write this article.
Infertility affects so many people and I for one (and apparently two) think it's important to make people aware of infertitly and how common it is; if anything to help people who don't struggle glimpse into how difficult it is and maybe learn how to offer help.
I know Hikari is doing her research and will do a great job.
She was so sweet, sensitive, and supportive as we talked.

Thank you Hikari (Rachel). ;)
It was a theraputic evening for me and I can't wait to read your piece.
I have a feeling you will help many people.
Thank you for the opportunity.

Love, Jill

"Sometimes He Just Says No"

I love this little girl.
This is Addie, my sister's only daughter.
She is 5.
She's beautiful and spunky.
She's smart and polite.
She makes me happier than most.
I've known all of this...
What I didn't know?
She is wise.
A few months ago I was chatting with her over the phone. She can talk like nobody's business. She was "tending" her new brother Nate while her mommy was making dinner.

Addie: "The next baby will be a sister."
Me: "Oh yeah? That'll be fun."
Addie: "Yep! Jilly, how come you and 'Alno' don't have a baby?"
Me: "Well it's hard for me to have a baby Addie. Maybe you could pray for me and ask Heavenly Father to bless me with a baby like baby Nate. Could you do that for me?
Addie: (heavy and dramatic sigh) "Well I have Jilly! I keep askeen and askeen! Sometimes Heavenly Father just says, 'no...'"

About this time I hear my sister frantic in the background telling Addie, "Don't say that!" I couldn't help but laugh and love that little girl even more. Before the conversation was over, Addie consented to continue her prayers for me...whether it was forced by her mother or not.

I know what she said to me that day is true; sometimes Heavenly Father does say no. It was simple to her. So why is it so hard for me sometimes?

The Reason

I'm convinced this is why I needed to go to church today.

I wander through the still of night,
When solitude is ev’rywhere—
Alone, beneath the starry light,
And yet I know that God is there.
I kneel upon the grass and pray;
An answer comes without a voice.
It takes my burden all away
And makes my aching heart rejoice.

When I am filled with strong desire
And ask a boon of him, I see
No miracle of living fire,
But what I ask flows into me.
And when the tempest rages high
I feel no arm around me thrust,
But ev’ry storm goes rolling by
When I repose in him my trust.

It matters not what may befall,
What threat’ning hand hangs over me;
He is my rampart through it all,
My refuge from mine enemy.
Come unto him all ye depressed,
Ye erring souls whose eyes are dim,
Ye weary ones who long for rest.
Come unto him! Come unto him!

-Theodore E. Curtis

Patience

"Patience is not passive resignation, nor is it failing to act because of our fears. Patience means active waiting and enduring. It means staying with something and doing all that we can - working, hoping, and exercising faith; bearing hardship with fortitude, even when the desires of our hearts are delayed. Patience is not simply enduring; it is enduring well!"
~ Dieter F. Uchtdorf ~
Thank you Natalie.

4

There were 4 baby blessings this past sunday...
FOUR.
Now I've come to expect (and even prepare for) at least 1-2 each fast Sunday.
I must admit, this one was difficult.
2 boys and 2 girls.
All perfect sent straight from God.
I sat there in awe.
Miracles for so many people.
I was feeling the normal pains of my cycle.
I wanted to run home.
I wanted to throw up.
I wanted to cry.
...so I did.

They say it's "in the water."
What am I drinking and where can I get some of that special water?

Nightstand

I keep whatever my current fertility treatment on my nightstand. It's a safe and private place and I don't forget about it there. This was my nightstand a few months ago. You can read more about where my head was at that point here.


These days it's definately simplified, not as cluttered. I'm doing 2 different drops under my tongue 2-3 times a day. I take a prenatal suppliment and pain meds only when necessary and that's about it. It's been easy. I feel more natural, which is exactly what I was wanting. Starting this week, something new will be joining the nightstand.


My homeopathic doctor told me about research showing that a low-dose aspirin regimen can increase blood supply to the ovaries and uterus. If this is true, the ovaries and uterus would then receive more substantial dosages of hormones, improving ovary productivity and thickening of the lining of the uterus. (bingo!)

With Endometriosis, even if an egg is fertilized, if my lining isn't thick enough (which is almost always), it is good for nothing. I'm hoping this will present an egg with a comfortable home for...9 months?

Also, according to a study published in Fertility and Sterility (operated by the American Society for Reproductive Medicine), "Low dose aspirin treatment significantly improves ovarian response, uterine and ovarian blood flow velocity, implantation rate and pregnancy rate in patients undergoing IVF. Aspirin seems to be a useful, effective and safe treatment in patients who undergo assisted reproductive technologies."

If IVF calls for this step as a precaution to help avoid miscarriage, it makes sense to me to incoorporate it into my "assisted reproductive" process right now. It's safe and not invasive, which is right where I want to be at this point.

Obviously there are some reasons why you shouldn't take aspirin regularly ie. ulcers, allergies, etc, so ask your doctor. Maybe it's something you could incoorporate into your process. Hope everyone is having a good (SHORT) week!

Grandma Witt

Sandra Black Witt passed away peacefully July 10, 2010.

My kids will never know Grandma Witt here.
It's comforting to know that they are with her now.
Maybe she will tell them to hurry.

I wonder what she is sharing with them...
About life, about Allen and I and how anxious we are.
Will she teach and help prepare them for their life here with us?

She is very aware of Allen and I and our desire to have children.
She prayed for us.
She loves us.

I know she will be there with us and just as excited when the day comes to welcome our children.
What a special thing to know.
She has a strong spirit that lives on.
She will continue to be a part of our lives...watching over us and helping us along our way.

I feel a very strong need to teach my children about their Grandma Witt.
They will know about her.
Maybe it will help them remember...

Thank you Sandra.
Thank you for loving us.
Thank you for raising such a wonderful man to be my husband and the father of my children.

One of the last few things she said to Allen:
"I want to see Jill with a baby more than anything..."
Allen then asked her for a favor.
"Will you tell our kids to hurry down here?"
"Yes, I will tell them to get on the ball."

They better mind grandma.

We love you mom!

Adoption

I need to say before I start this post that my feelings about my specific situation expressed on this blog in no way is meant to hurt or offend. This is the place where I write how I feel and hope that someone out there may feel similarly or is able to relate in some way.

I have been told by multiple people (associates) that adoption is the next choice for me to make. It seems insensitive. Not only is it not their place to advise in this situation, but most of the time these people don't know specifics on my journey to fertility. "If you can't, you'll just have to adopt." "Maybe your kids are already here just through someone else." "Just start looking into it. You never know." I know that these statements aren't said maliciously, but for some reason it stings.

I believe adoption is a beautiful thing. I believe a bond can be formed when adoption feels right for a couple/family. However, the thought that I will never have children that are a little of me and Allen is something I haven't even started to deal with. I've choosen not to think of it right now, so when someone brings it up specific to me, I'm caught off guard and I second guess everything I've already felt and learned. I feel insecure with my whole process....because it is a process, as is choosing to adopt. It's not the same for everyone.

I don't think I'm near that place I would need to be in order to choose adoption. I don't know if I'll ever get there. It may be selfish, but I yearn to be pregnant, not just have and raise a baby. I can't wait to see parts of our personalities come from a little Allen and compare baby pictures of family members. I want our parents to be able to say, "You did that when you were little..." It all may seem silly, but that's where I'm at.

I just want to throw it out there that advising adoption to a woman/couple who is working for fertility is not always the most sensitive. It doesn't bother me when people ask me how I feel about adoption, but I don't like being told to choose that course right now. I am amazed at the miracle of adoption in the life of many women in my life. It was a wonderful choice for them and their family. There are children out there who need a good home and adoption is a special and important opportunity. Adoption creates happy and good loving families.

I just feel insecure and a little scared about it at this point...for me.

Open to thoughts and inspiration.

Love, Me

OK

My mother-in-law is in the ICU. She has been there for over a week fighting infections and multi-system organ failure. She is putting up an impressive fight. Medically, I just don't understand how she is still around, at her age, totally beating the odds. Allen's mother has lived for her children. She had 10 of them of her own and lost just as many from miscarriage. She would do anything for any one of them, including her in-laws. She is a mother who has faught for her children since day one. And she is still fighting...

Needless to say, we've been spending a LOT of time in the ICU. The other night I started talking to one of her nurses. Somehow infertility came up. I honestly don't know how the topic always seems to enter conversations around me. Trust me, I am NOT the one to bring it up.

This sweet nurse told us how she tried for TWELVE years to have a baby. It finally happened for her. She expressed how miracluous the process was, what a special child she was able to raise, how worth it everything seemed. After she expressed her feelings, Allen told how we have been desparately trying and hoping for our own children. She turned to me and said, "Don't give up hope. It can happen for you too."

I told her how I knew that she must have felt some deep and terrible emotions going through that for so long. She paused and then looked me square in the eyes and quietly said, "...you have too." She was most sincere and suddenly I was filled with hope and love.

This experience was a tender mercy for me which came out of nowhere and happened in an ICU patient room. As one mother faught for her life to be able to have more time with her children, another expressed her love for her own miracle, as I longed for my own. I felt the love of women that night. It was special. I'm glad I have that love inside of me. The love of a woman is real and deep. It's somehow satisfying knowing that I have that ability in me. Children here or not, I love the same deep way and somehow, that makes it seem ok for now.

I am going to be Ok.

Sick

I'm sick of hurting. And this time I mean physically.
I'm sick of feeling ill for no good reason.
I'm sick of this wretched disease.
I'm really sick of hearing women around me complain about pregnancy/children.
I wish they would just stop and recognize the miracle. Please?

It's hard to think that every month with all the pain and blood, my condition is worsening.
I don't want to have that surgery again.
Will I have to?

Pregnancy will be wonderful in so many ways.
It will stop my pain, even for a bit.
It will slow the damage.
...and it will be our baby...

I appologize now for being a little down lately. (but that's what you get for reading the truth)
I'll be on the up swing soon.
Life really is good.
Today is just a rough day.

I want only to snuggle up on the couch with my pain meds and a good book that will take me out of reality even for a few hours...
A hug from Allen will help too.
It always does.

Left Out

I have some wonderful friends. Have I mentioned that before? Well, I'm quite certain a girl couldn't ask for a more fun and supportive group of friends. I had the opportunity to see and talk with some of my dearest friends this week. It's a motivating thing for me to spend time with these women. Some of them go back with me to elementary school. Now that is friendship! I feel lucky to have them in my life. They are sweet and funnny, beautiful and smart. They are good women and amazing mothers.


It should be noted here that these photos don't have show all of my lovely friends...Milli, I miss you terribly.
At my age and stage of life, play dates and babysitting swaps are the norm. It's just part of a mothers life. The other day I came home during my lunch break and saw that one of the women down the street had set up a tent in her front yard. There were a bunch of kids playing in and out of it. The mothers of these children stood by watching, talking, and laughing.

I sat there for a minute in my driveway...
I thought of what it might be like to join them...
Then I thought of my own friends; these women I look up to and love to be around...
They get together often with their own kids...
In a way, at that moment, I felt just a little left out.

This is nothing that can be remedied or avoided. It's not like they are making me feel left out. I feel their support and friendship everytime I see them. It's just the stage. The stage I'm waiting patiently (sometimes not so patiently) to be in; where I feel like I should be...
And this is where I am...

Worthy?

Somedays I wonder.
I wonder if I'm good enough; worthy enough to be blessed with a child.
I don't know if I am, or if I ever will be.
It's not a poor me feeling.
I don't have this thought only on my down days.
I just wonder.
It's amazing to me when I look at a baby and think about how it's possible that any of us are blessed with this responsibility;
to teach them how to be.
The Lord trusts us to raise them.
The child trusts us to teach.
Do I trust ME??
Humbling.

I wonder...

I don't know if I'll be a good mom.
I don't know when I'll even be blessed with the opportunity.
All I know is that I will work on myself, and try to become my best self.
I will pray.
I will work.
I will DO whatever it takes to try to become more worthy.

As an update, this current regimen I'm doing is going well. I feel good, although I still haven't lost the extra weight I gained with the meds I was taking before I went the homeopathic route. Oh well. The only side effects I've had with these drops is pain and growing (rapid, painful, annoying growing) in... certain areas. I hope my prolactin level is still under control.

That is all I'll say. I'm sure you wanted to know. ;)

"The Glow"

We've all heard about it. Maybe you've seen it? It's that something in a woman's countenance that tells the world that God has worked a miracle in her. She is fulfilling her creation right then. It really can be seen.

Lately, I've noticed "the glow" of newly expectant mothers or mothers with newborns. To be honest, I feel a little sick when I see it. Not sick in a horrible way; sick because of the rush of emotions I feel when I see this "glowing": anxiety, sadness, longing, maybe a little envy?, despair, panic, and emptiness. None are good emotions and feeling them all at once is enough to make a person feel like vomiting...aka sick.

Then come the questions, which seem to always find me: When will I get to "glow?" Will I be in my thirties by then? Do women in their thirties even "glow?"

This "glow" is a real thing and something I long for. Maybe I should get a tan or something in the meantime to hold me over...

I hope you all had a good weekend and if you're one of the lucky ones, glow on ladies!

Answers

I think God has a funny way of answering my prayers. Answers always come in ways I can't guess. I can't anticipate but I can expect and appreciate sweet answers and tender mercies from a loving Heavenly Father.

Recently I have recieved multiple emails from women; strong women who have been sent to me (via email) for important reasons. Some women found me through this blog and others through my photography. They don't know me, but they know the struggle. They have shared their experiences, intimate feelings, and valuable information with me. It has been enlightening and encouraging. These have been huge and special blessings.

One woman in particular has given me a renewed perspective. I know that I can do more. I have been confused, but she has helped to organize my thoughts/desires. I'm making changes and I'm excited about it. Even Allen has recognized her as an answer to prayer. Thank you April.

My fertility goals:

1. I'm going to be healthy. I'm going to make my body a safe and good place for a precious babe to grow.

2. I'm going to be positive! (see change to blog title) The mind can be a powerful tool, for good and bad, when going through challenges.

3. I will no longer think that by being active/aggressive about getting my kids here that I'm "forcing the issue" or being impatient. It's been a struggle for me because I want the Lord to bless me when He chooses to. I've realized though, that He WANTS me to have children. And he will respect and bless me for my efforts, whether these efforts "work" or not, He will bless. I'm working with the Lord, not simply waiting for a blessing I know He wants to give.

4. I am going to research. I want to learn as much as I can about various methods that could potentially help me. I want to have specific educated questions for doctors I may meet with.

5. I've been powerfully instructed to start asking for help. This will be hard for me, but I will do it.

6. I'm going to pray, and pray, and pray. Feel free to join me in this. :)

What Would I Give...

Whenever I have the thought of IVF potentially being my only option, a small feeling of despair follows close behind.

'When will I ever have the money to afford that medical miracle?...How will I ever save that much?...Will I really be waiting 2, 3, 4 more years to save up that much money?...What should I do in the meantime?...'

If my husband would agree,
I would live in a hole.
I would go without a car, TV, phones, and (heaven forbid) the internet.
I would never decorate my house
or buy nice clothes.
I'd skip out on "fun" (the money kind)
I would let my hair grow long and split.
I'm willing in order to save for IVF and bring them here...
Am I supposed to?

There are so many options and directions I can go to continue to "try" to get my babies here. I feel so confused sometimes.

Medical
Homeopathic - my current "try"
Chiropractic
Massage

I got an email today from a kind stranger who is going to send me more info on yet another option for treating infertility. Thank you Nidia.

What am I to do??? Any thoughts?

EAGeR

EAGeR - The Effects of Aspirin in Gestation and Reproduction

There is a new study out there that may improve some women's chances of becoming pregnant and also help them have a healthier pregnancy. The study is called the EAGeR study and will evaluate LDA compared to placebo in women who have had one or two pregnancy losses in the past and are interested in becoming pregnant.

The University of Utah Obstetrics and Gynecology Research Network (OGRN) is partnering with the National Institute of Child Health and Human Development (NICHD) to conduct the EAGeR study. In all, 1,600 women who have suffered one or two pregnancy losses will participate in this study.

The study doesn't cost. All research related meds, supplies, and procedures are at no cost to the patient.

How can you benefit?

- You will be given a highly sensitive fertility monitor to use during the study that will help to know when your body is most likely to become pregnant.
- You will recieve pregnancy tests.
- You will be given a free folic acid supplement along with your study medication.
*Folic acid has been shown to help prevent certain birth defects.- You will receive an early 6.5 week ultrasound when you do become pregnant.
- You will receive support from a caring research team who understands the pain of loss.
- You will be paid for your time and travel to and from study appointments.
- You may choose from several area hospitals along the Wasatch Front for your study visits.

What will you have to do if you join the study?

- Meet with a research nurse once or twice a month.
- Provide samples of your urine and blood.
- Answer simple questions about your medical and reproductive history.
- Have simple body measurements taken.

The goal is to increase a woman's chance of becoming pregnant and to help her have a healthy pregnancy by studying the Effects of Aspirin in Gestation and Reproduction.

One of my friends participated in the study and is now pregnant!! For more info go to www.eagertrial.org