I need to say before I start this post that my feelings about my specific situation expressed on this blog in no way is meant to hurt or offend. This is the place where I write how I feel and hope that someone out there may feel similarly or is able to relate in some way.
I have been told by multiple people (associates) that adoption is the next choice for me to make. It seems insensitive. Not only is it not their place to advise in this situation, but most of the time these people don't know specifics on my journey to fertility. "If you can't, you'll just have to adopt." "Maybe your kids are already here just through someone else." "Just start looking into it. You never know." I know that these statements aren't said maliciously, but for some reason it stings.
I believe adoption is a beautiful thing. I believe a bond can be formed when adoption feels right for a couple/family. However, the thought that I will never have children that are a little of me and Allen is something I haven't even started to deal with. I've choosen not to think of it right now, so when someone brings it up specific to me, I'm caught off guard and I second guess everything I've already felt and learned. I feel insecure with my whole process....because it is a process, as is choosing to adopt. It's not the same for everyone.
I don't think I'm near that place I would need to be in order to choose adoption. I don't know if I'll ever get there. It may be selfish, but I yearn to be pregnant, not just have and raise a baby. I can't wait to see parts of our personalities come from a little Allen and compare baby pictures of family members. I want our parents to be able to say, "You did that when you were little..." It all may seem silly, but that's where I'm at.
I just want to throw it out there that advising adoption to a woman/couple who is working for fertility is not always the most sensitive. It doesn't bother me when people ask me how I feel about adoption, but I don't like being told to choose that course right now. I am amazed at the miracle of adoption in the life of many women in my life. It was a wonderful choice for them and their family. There are children out there who need a good home and adoption is a special and important opportunity. Adoption creates happy and good loving families.
I just feel insecure and a little scared about it at this point...for me.
Open to thoughts and inspiration.
Love, Me
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i know exactly what you mean. i had an associate tell me this week that since we clearly can't get pregnant (and she has no idea about our infertility, she just assumed that 4 years with no baby means something is up), we must be considering adoption, right?
ReplyDeletei personally feel that adoption will be a last resort for us. i feel the responsibility to do everything i can to get pregnant, and if i do everything i can and it doesn't work, then we would seriously consider it. if i knew right now that we would never get pregnant, i wouldn't keep pursuing the route we're on, you know?
it's amazing what some people say when they have no idea of your situation. people who say things like that obviously have no idea what the "journey to fertility" involves.
sorry for the rant there. i have had the same comments made to me multiple times, though, and sometimes i just wish people would keep their opinions to themselves.
I have learned the hard way that I don't think people mean to offend.
ReplyDeleteWith that being said, they sure say some dumb insensitive things! :)
Jill, I appriciate how you can keep it real and share your real feelings. The process is so different for everyone. I guess that's why I chose to keep my process private. I wanted to weed out all the dumb comments as much as possible. But that's the point, it is so different. I am getting insight from your journey that I hope to use down the road since we chose the adoption route before the big IVF or more IUI's. We hope to someday go down that road, but we did what was right for us at the time. I love that we have our own guidance and our own path to follow and a way to find out.
Sorry this is long, but I just wanted to say keep your head up and know that no matter what anyone says you know you are doing what is best for you and Allen and that's all that matters.
Jill, I have definitely learned that people can say such insensitive things. And especially when it comes to close family and friends--I think I expect more out of them--but it seems like they are often the ones saying the most insensitive things and it is hard to not be offended at times. I am sorry though--but glad you are tough and handling this. I am sorry about Allen's mother. You guys are in our prayers.
ReplyDeleteI agree, I don't think that people should bring up adoption unless the person dealing with fertility complications brings it up first. Adoption ISN'T for everyone, and I think that it is a very personal decision. I commend you on doing everything possible to have your own baby. It took my neighbor 13 years and 3 invetro procedures to have their own baby. Now they are saving up to try again. It may be a long road, but they are eternally grateful that they chose it. You and Allen are in our prayers. You are amazing. I love you my friend.
ReplyDeleteI agree totally Jill. Jeremy and I had a conversation on this very subject the other day and I believe I said almost the same thing.
ReplyDeleteThere is something to be said about having YOUR OWN baby. Its amazing seeing yourself and your husband in them. No one should be robbed of that opportunity or give up and "just adopt" unless that is the only option left. I get that adoption is a great thing and there is a lot of children out there who need parents, but I just feel that ALL options should be tried first and however many times before choosing to take it upon yourself to raise some one else's child. That sounds kind of mean and I'm sorry.
Anyways I pray for you Jill. And I know there is a baby in heaven waiting for you and Allen. She/He is just taking their sweet time. Love ya!
I'm learning, through our own experience with infertility, that Heavenly Father will give us the direction we're looking for along the way. Sometimes, that direction doesn't make sense to us let alone to those around us. From this I'm begining to see that our faith deepens when we try to trust Him and put our will with His, even if that means the righteous desires of our heart are put on hold for a very long time. We have been trying to have a second child for about 13 years now. After seeking different medical help we felt inspired that it was time to stop. We have prayed and fasted about adoption through the years and the answer has been no. There are times when I feel sad and dissapointed and wonder why this is the path for us. I hate it when the tears come unexpectantly in public. Grief is definately a process filled with many different painful steps. I know that my will is not with Heavenly Father's yet, but I am working on it. Knowing that He loves me very much and wants good things for me helps me trust Him more as I work towards trying to take that big leap of faith. I've found a lot of comfort in the following words by Elder Richard G. Scott. I hope they might comfort someone else too. "We see such a limited part of the eternal plan He has fashioned for each one of us. Trust Him, even when in eternal perspective it temporarily hurts very much. Have patience when you are asked to wait when you want immediate action. He may ask you to do things which are powefully against your will. Exercise faith and say, Let Thy will be done. Such experiences, honorably met, prepare you and condition you for yet greater blessings. As your Father, His purpose is your eternal happiness, your continuing development, your increasing capacity. His desire is to share with you all that He has. The path you are to walk through life may be very different from others. You may not always know why He does what He does, but you can know that He is perfectly just and perfectly merciful. He would have you suffer no consequence, no challenge, endure no burden that is superfluous to your good" (Richard G. Scott, Ensign, Nov. 1991, p. 84). I hope you find comfort and love from those around you as you experience your "journey to fertility!"
ReplyDeleteSometimes I wish there was an Etiquette book on the subject of infertility. Sick of my comments yet?
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