"I’m so happy to say that we are doing IVF early next month. Finally! I feel like I’ve been waiting for this for a long time. We’re both really excited and anxious to start this process, and feel like we’ve very much been led to this point..."
March 1, 2011
"...I went to see Dr Heiner yesterday. I was going in to see if I was ready for egg retrieval this week. It wasn’t great news...It was discouraging to leave that office knowing that the chance of canceling for this cycle is high...I had a breakdown when I got to my mom’s after my appointment. There’re just so many ups and downs during this process... I’m grateful that I haven’t been an emotional monster. I’ve been praying for that constantly... I know that it doesn’t matter in the end what my tests/levels say... I will be ok. We will be ok. We will strive to align our will with the Lord's and carry on with whatever that is. Thank goodness for the gospel. This process would be unbearable without it."
March 4, 2011
"Yesterday I went in at 1:30 pm. My lining had only grown to a 4.5, not enough, or even close. Dr Heiner told me that he really wanted us to think about just counting our losses with this cycle and saving the money that we’ve paid for “the really expensive part” and putting that towards our next cycle. My lining is just really thin, even though I have growing follicles. I told him I would talk to Allen and we would have to decide whether to freeze or bail. When the nurse left the room she said, 'Oh Jill, keep plugging along. Bumpy road but hopefully we’ll get you to the finish line.' I broke down when the door closed... The tears now are only because this is an emotional cycle. I don’t feel one bit sad, or upset, or angry. I have found so much comfort knowing that this is the Lord’s will regardless. There is a peace with me now. I don’t need a guarantee that this will work. I don’t need to know either way or even try to guess anymore. I just know that the Lord is happy with my efforts. I know he is very involved in my life and especially now...What a wonderful blessing this trial has been!"
March 5, 2011
"...After the ultrasound today Dr Heiner said, 'You’re kind of a mystery girl, Jill.' He wanted to talk to me in his office... While we were talking in his office, he stopped for a few minutes. I could tell he was really thinking. I said a quick prayer that the Lord would bless him to know what to do, and then thought in my head, ‘Go with your gut. Go with your gut!’ Dr Heiner looked up at me and said, 'You know, at some point in this process you really have to make decisions based on you feel and kind of go with your gut instead of relying on science.' I smiled and said, 'And I would rather you go with that than anything else'.” ...I give myself the trigger shot tonight at 11:30 pm. Egg retrieval is scheduled for Monday at 10:30.
March 7, 2011
"...When I woke up in recovery, Allen told me they only found one egg…one. While initially I suppose I was a little discouraged by that, I told Allen, 'Well it only takes one, doesn’t it?' Dr Heiner told us that my lining is now 8.7. EIGHT POINT SEVEN!!! I was so happy to hear that. My lining has been surprising him all along. He said that all we could do was hope that the one tiny egg would be mature enough to fertilize... Allen and I prayed together before I left recovery....I went home and slept for 3 hours. I was a little sore but other than that, I felt pretty good. I missed Katie’s call, but woke up to listen to a voicemail that the egg was in fact MATURE! They will find out tomorrow how the fertilization went. I’ve been praying constantly since then. I sure hope that little embryo makes it..."
March 8, 2011
11:09am
I got a call from Dr Heiner.
Our little embryo didn't make it through that night...
That little part of Allen and I that I already loved so much, prayed and hoped for...
was gone.
It was a hard day.
Please know that I'm not looking for any sympathy in response to this post. I have no regrets about our cycle. Not one. I feel like it was the Lord teaching us in such an intimate and amazing way, and through a truly special experience. We saw miracles during that cycle! I saw the hand of the Lord work in me. In MY body...something I never thought would happen to me. And although it wasn't our desired outcome, it gave me so much hope. Hope in knowing the Lord can do anything! Hope and confidence in my physical body; one I have often called "broken." And hope that I can make it through this trial, no matter how long it lasts, with a perspective and peace that can only come through love, trust, and through the atonement of Jesus Christ.
If you have any questions, concerns, or fears about IVF, please know that I'm here, as always.
And if you need a good specialist?
Well...I know an incredible doctor.
Oh Jill, you are seriously so brave and so faithful. I am still praying for you every day. You are such an example of strength to so many people, I am sure. I pray that this trial ends for you soon. Love you.
ReplyDeleteJill,
ReplyDeleteI remember about 3 years ago I had a massive hemorrhage during the night. I made an appointment with my specialist, went in for an ultrasound, and they found a tumor. Quite a large one, in fact. He actually decided to take the photos to India for a class he was teaching because it was so big. I was SO frustrated thinking "I can grow a tumor but not a baby....." and this was after 9 years of trying. Then my cousin said, "I know it's not what we want, but the good news is, that it's at least something DIFFERENT! Something growing in there is at least progress." And it's true....it was. Even though the end result is just 'not yet' (because it is coming to you, my dear) it still can be good news. And remember......He wants this miracle baby for you, as much or more than even you do. It is coming......
How do you stay so positive? My husband and I just finished our first IUI cycle after 2 years of trying on our own. We've had all the testing that is available and have found nothing wrong. I find it so hard to stay positive; some days I feel like there is no hope. It's so hard not to scream, "Why is this happening to me? What am I doing wrong?" How have you been able to keep your faith and positive attitude intact during this terrible time?
ReplyDeleteThank you Chelsea! Love you!
ReplyDeleteJenn, Thank you for sharing your perspective. I believe you are right on. The end result is always better for us because it is His result.
@ Jensen's - I know COMPLETELY what you mean. I have been there for a long time. I can't say that I have always been able to "keep my faith and positive attitude intact." This trial is just so hard. There is no escaping the fact that at times it will be hard no matter what attitude you choose to have, but I have learned through some serious prayer and through the atonement that all the doubt, anger, and bitterness that I had been living with for over 3 years has now been replaced with hope and trust. Does that mean that I'm never sad? Heavens no! But I do have complete trust now and that alone has brought peace. It is still a struggle and it may always be that way, but I know that peace and perspective can be found through submission to the Lord.
And you are NOT doing anything wrong. I've thought that over and over again, but it's false. We desire a family. That is a very good desire and this trial isn't a punishment. In fact, for me I have realized it as a tremendous blessing of learning and drawing close to the Lord and my husband. I don't know why it's happening to us, but I know that after this "terrible time" will come blessings; blessings we will recognize as incredible gifts that some who don't go through this trial may not realize. I wish you the very best. We can do this! Feel free to email or comment any time you need to vent...hey, that's what I do here. :)
Love, Jill
Jill, I think of you constantly. Hope and trust is a good thing to have. Love ya.
ReplyDeleteLove ya Jill. Your an example to me in many ways.
ReplyDeleteJill I've been following your blog for a while now. My husband and I have been married 5 years and I was diagnosed with endometriosis about 3 years ago, no luck on conceiving due to blocked Fallopian tubes (not completely but pretty much!) and of course the endo, I also have PCOS type 2.. I'm a mess I tell ya! Anyways we had 3 failed IUIs and are getting ready to start in vitro. I just started the process and if all looks well on my u/s next Friday (I have ovarian cysts that need to be checked on to make sure we can still proceed) then I will begin the injections to stimulate my ovaries in a couple of weeks. Any advice or recommendations? Im kind of numb at this point but know when the time comes I will be a big ball of emotions! This is all such an exciting and scary process all at the same time, I keep thinking.. What if it doesn't work? Then I kick myself for not thinking more positive.. It's so hard. I wish you guys the best on your next IVF cycle.. I bet it will be the one :) lots of hugs!
ReplyDelete