Every woman who is fighting with fertility has a difficult time when other women announce their pregnancy. The 9 months following that announcement brings some pain with it as well. It just happens. We can't help it and neither can they. It's not that we are wishing ill will for that mom-to-be (or for heavens sake the precious babe). It isn't that we hate their good news either. It's just a reminder that the miracle still hasn't happened for us.
I think we can all agree that certain comments or attitudes towards pregnancy and motherhood in general can be blood boiling. Any comment that makes light of the miracle of pregnancy and child birth or ingraditude for the opportunity of becoming a mother sends me through the roof, and I don't mind telling people so (you can imagine). Overly whiney women or those who carry with them this sense of entitlement while pregnant are equally irriating.
I've noticed since talking to other "club members" that there are certain triggers to the woes of infertility. It seems the hard parts are different for each of us. It could simply be the complaints of others that are the hardest. Sometimes it's the baby showers, baby blessings, or holidays that are the most painful.
There is longing in this trial, whatever it is; longing for specific feelings and experiences in the process of becoming a mother. When others are experiencing and living our deepest dreams and specific desires, it's just hard. Some women long for the actual pregnancy more than any other part of it; to feel a growing child move inside of them and to feel that initial motherly bond (oh...). Some can't wait to enjoy the different stages of a child's growth. I've even heard one woman express her sincere desire for a teenage girl! (wow!)
For me, by far the hardest part is in fact the "hard part." I long for the actual delivery and hospital experience. It is so difficult for me to have a friend or family member in the hospital ready to deliver. The few days/weeks afterwards where the only focus is their new little family addition nearly kills me every time. I can't wait to experience that! I can't wait to feel the pain, the adrenaline, and the love we will have as labor and delivery happens. I want to be sore and exhausted from performing the special act of birthing a child. (call me crazy) I picture my husband holding our first (albeit slimey) child for the first time and every time, I ache...then I tear up.
Oh, it will be special indeed...
That is the hardest part for me.
What about you? Do share.
Note: Please! This is all difficult, but I do believe the "hardest part" is specific to each of us.
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For me, it's got to be the loss of control. I've always been a very in-control person, and I hate the fact that my body won't do what I want it to. I hate hate hate that I can't get pregnant, and am missing out on the whole pregnancy experience. And while adoption comes with a whole lot of excitement, I hate that it basically leaves our future in someone else's hand. I think the hardest part is knowing that I'm failing at something I've always felt was my purpose in life.
ReplyDeleteThank you so much for your post! I've been having a really hard time the last few weeks, and it helps to know there are other people out there struggling with the same thing. :)
Oh, and also...I hate it when people complain about their pregnancy!!! That makes me angrier faster than almost anything else in the whole universe. And I hate it when people say, "Oh Lindzee, you're so lucky you're adopting and don't have to worry about all this stuff!"
ReplyDeleteWonderful post Jill! Though my trial is different in different ways it's still a lot the same.(Does that even make sense?) I really hate it when moms complain about their babies or toddlers and how much work they are. I would give anything in his world to have that work again along with a lot of other things. I still struggle sometimes seeing 6 month old little boys. They all seem to look like Wyatt and it just makes my arms ache that much more. Just tonight at Target in the boys clothes section I saw a mom holding her little boy and something about him reminded me of Wyatt and I had to hold back the tears(it also doesn't help to see all the cute little boy clothes that I won't be buying for my son). You have a gift of describing things so well. Thanks for sharing your thoughts. Thanks for letting me ramble on. :) You are amazing and I'm sure you are helping so many people out there. Love ya!
ReplyDeleteI'm commenting not to share in the frustrations but to sincerely apologize because I know at some point in my life, probably on many occasions have I been THE trigger. I did complain, I whined and at times acted as though pregnancy, infancy, raising my own child was anything less then a blessing. I especially was insensitive to women who have had miscarriages. Then 2 years ago I had my first miscarriage and was devistated. I forever hold an ache over that baby inside my heart. I apologize over and over for the feelings I may have unknowingly hurt, to strangers I had no idea it effected.
ReplyDeleteJill I look up to you, you a wonderful person. The babies you will mother are some of the luckiest children to have picked you and Allen as parents. My heart aches to read and see life through your eyes. I'm so greatful for learning.
Love you Andrea! As always, thank you for your love and support. Don't know what I'd do without you.
ReplyDeleteMindy, thank you so much for your comment. You are sweet. We all have different trials and struggles. Learning comes from others perspectives I suppose. It's a good thing for all of us. I hope you and your family are doing well. :)
Thanks for always putting yourself out there and sharing what you're truly feeling going through the process of infertility. I'm sure voicing your struggles and concerns are hard, but it helps so many people. As you know my sister is struggling with infertility too. Since she's very private, your insight is so helpful on learning how to help and appropriately interact with her so not to offend. Again, thanks!
ReplyDeleteJill, I am constantly praying for you and Allen. I don't want you to have to go through this heartache anymore. And I also pray that I can always remember what this felt like, and remember to NEVER complain about my pregnancy and what I am going through. I know that you are helping SO many people, just like you helped me from going crazy month after month. I just love you and am so grateful for you. Praying for you.
ReplyDeleteloved this post!
ReplyDeleteone of the hardest parts for me is hearing "the plan" of girls who just got married. they have their 5-year-plan completely worked out. they tell you every little detail about when they're going to start "trying" to get pregnant and when they'll have all of their kids so that they're perfectly planned and perfectly spaced apart in age. maybe i'm just bitter that i don't get to make that choice? maybe i'm just sad that i don't get to make my 5-year plan when it comes to babies?
i agree with linzee: it's hard to feel that loss of control. and it drives me nuts when people talk like having babies is as easy as picking a date and making it happen. for some it is, i guess.
That is EXACTLY the part I long for. To watch my growing belly, the anticipation and actually being in labor and delivering my child. That is why I have a hard to moving toward the option of adoption. I'm terrified that will never happen.
ReplyDeleteJill, this brought me to tears! I've been trying to focus on the positive aspect of not being pregnant that I haven't let myself even "think" of the deep struggles. I've been pushing them aside telling myself not to focus on it...(which has helped me be a happier person). To be honest this is probably the first time I've had a hard time in probably months. Reading your blog and having the realization that I'm not a mom hurts.
ReplyDeleteI too can't wait for the day my body starts telling me my little one is coming. My sister in law is having her baby tomorrow...maybe that's why this hit me a little hard today. I truly am worried of how I'll react. I don't want my emotions to get the better of me...because when she had her first child, when we as a family went in the room, I went in the dark corner and cried...embarrassed to the core. I would have been about 7 or 8 months along if I didn't have a miscarriage, so it was tough to see that specific nephew for the first time. I truly hope my happiness for them can overcome my emotions.
Maybe that's my hard part too. The hospital experience. Honestly, I truly can't wait for the hospital stay...Pain, exhaustion, terrible food, lack of sleep and oh...that precious little one that will be yours forever!
Love you Jill.
For me, the hardest part is always the announcement. Pregnancy announcements hit me so hard, and it can take longer than I care to admit for me to feel okay afterward. Once the person has been pregnant for a while, I am a little more adjusted to the idea. Even after they have the baby I seem to do better than after the initial announcement, though that may seem strange.
ReplyDeleteThis past year as we were sending out our Christmas cards was especially hard. Several Christmas cards and newsletters we recieved included pregnancy announcements. Our card looked way too much like an engagement picture. We are young and in love, but don't have kids. More than anything I yearn to be able to one day share happy news. I want to paint a nursery and sew baby clothes. I hope for the entire experience, but the announcement part pricks my heart in a particular way.
Jill, as you know we have a daughter but were not able to have a vaginal birth. Your last paragraph of this post is something I ache for as well. To even hold my baby with minutes of birth and cuddle up with her, would have been so wonderful. Instead I was bawling my eyes out wonderful if my baby was going to even make it, stretched out on the operating table, not wanting to know what they were doing, just wanting to have it stop. It was the scariest day of my life.
ReplyDeleteJill you are an amazing women and thank you for sharing your thoughts with us.
I agree, Whitney. Pregnancy announcements hit me hard. Even today, when I feel like I am in such a good place about our infertility. I think I will always find pregnancy announcements to be difficult since it is so much easier for most people.
ReplyDeleteHaving experienced infertility, a miscarriage, and now infertility again there are SO many things I think I could classify as my "hardest part." I do think tho, that aside from pregnancy announcements and continually growing bellies of those around me, the hardest part for me is ultrasounds. Anytime I see an ultrasound, on a tv show, on a movie, on a fridge, on facebook, on a blog, ANYWHERE...it brings me to tears. I want that SO badly, I want that scrambled, out of focus, funny looking little picture. I think of the ultrasound I had when I was pregnant and how completely DEVASTATING it was to not see a baby in there (I had a "blighted ovum miscarriage") when I was expecting to see my little one. So yes, I do believe that ultrasounds are my "hardest part."
ReplyDeleteI love your posts Jill. I agree that there are parts of our trial that hit others differently, but they are part of the whole. I hate that fact that my 5 and 10 year plan have not gone the way we thought it would. I hate it when people complain about their pregnancy and even how they didn't want to be pregnant. B/c I would trade it in a heart beat.
ReplyDeleteI long for the moment I realize I'm pregnant. I long for the sickness. I long to go through pregnancy and know what "they" are talking about. I long to deliver and feel the pain. But most of all I long for more children. I always knew I was going to be a mom and maybe that's what makes it so hard. Feeling like there are people missing from my house.
Most of the time it's just hard.