Being a mother is something I have waited and prayed for since I was a young girl mothering dolls. After 4 years of infertility, tests and procedures that failed 100% of the time, we were blessed with a miracle. I have become passionate about helping others through the struggle of infertility and have started a non-profit organization in order to reach out to people across the country.

It has been a process of sorts to be open enough to talk about this part of me, but it is now something that I choose to embrace and appreciate, as I have learned more and more about myself and my purpose.

I hope this blog can be a place where you can find strength and support through others who know the struggle. Please feel free to contact me with questions, advice, or any and all venting. I know that with the help of each other, we can overcome this struggle...or at least handle it in a way that will leave us better for it.

Welcome to my blog - My Journey To Fertility.

Tuesday, January 4, 2011

Doubt

Today I woke up with a yucky feeling. That has been happening to me occasionally when I think about IVF and me. (I can't help but wonder if we'll make a good couple?) There are so many questions and zero answers. I get this sick feeling in my stomach and a clouded head where no matter how I try, I can't make sense of anything. I feel like I can't think straight, and nothing I'm doing or supposed to be doing seems right or satisfying. Nothing. I've decided this is doubt and I'm not handling it well...

Last week I began to think about the New Year. I love how each January 1st we get an opportunity to refresh. I have set goals just like everyone for 2011 and I've been off to a good start (about 1 week). I avoided the cliche weight lose resolution (although I could stand to loose a few). Instead, I decided to focus on my spiritual and emotional self this year. I have really been enjoying the results from the changes I've made. These changes are small, so the kind I can stick with, but I'm anticipating big benefits in different aspects of life for both Marv and I. I'm excited about it.

What I'm hoping now is for my yucky feelings to somehow be remedied by my new 2011 approach to happiness...because this is just uncomfortable.

(Please note: at times I do get excited and feel 'ready' for our IVF. I go back and forth quickly. Weird. Can any of my IVF sisters shine some light on me?)
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3 comments:

  1. AprilJanuary 5, 2011 at 8:13 PM

    I know for me, I went back and forth because I was still grieving over the loss of a "natural", "romantic" (if you will) conception. I still mourned the fact that my children would be conceived in a test tube and and implanted on a surgical table. I was still waiting for a miracle, and when I finally realized that no matter how they were conceived--it would be a miracle, I was able to finish the mourning process and move on (and forward). Consequently, we decided to have our babies at home, just to have some part of the experience be ours, and intimate. It's not for everyone, but it was perfect for us.
    I hope your goals help you feel more settled. :) xoxo

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  2. kristenh2oJanuary 11, 2011 at 4:55 PM

    listen the back and forth is natural! I swear i felt like i was bipolor half the time with how crazy my emotions were!

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  3. DanielleJanuary 26, 2011 at 4:58 PM

    What you are experiencing is completely normal! It doesn't go away, not through the whole process. Even after everything you have been through, you even question if you are ready to be a mother! Just trust yourself...you're ready. It's just really scary. My stomach twisted up because I relate so much to these feelings. I don't envy you because I've been there. Hang in there...you're totally ready.

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