For the last 3 years I have been waiting, praying, and preparing for me to finally feel complete. I've always thought, 'When we have children, then our family will be complete.' 'When I get to fulfill my role as wife and mother, then I will feel like I am fulfilling my life's purpose.' 'When I get to experience that part of life, then I will be able to experience all of the emotion and love that this life has to offer.' And so on...
Last night, during our 4th game of Skip-Bo, I turned and looked at Marv. He was doing "the Carlton" (and quite well I might add) to a song from Hairspray, and at that moment I realized; 'if my life is this and only this for the rest of forever, I will live a great and happy life.'
This thought triggered a rush of emotions and insight. I learned more at that moment about the plan that God has for me than I feel I ever have. And who knew that Skip-Bo would do that for a person?!
I expressed all of my revelations as they came to mind, "We'll be ok... I'll be ok!... We're going to be happy!... I am satisfied and feel complete... I'm finally there!" Marv (the smart and faithful man that he is) then looked me square in the eyes and said, "I've been there for a while..."
I've come to that point. I've come to accept whatever God's will. And I mean it. Up to this point, perhaps I never truly had. Maybe this is yet another part of the process I've had to go through and come to. I know the Lord knows what will make me happy, better than I do. I think in a way I have had blinders on during this process. For me, I get so fixated on baby, BABY, BABY that I don't turn around too often to see and enjoy the life that is mine right now. Graditude, yes. But last night was more than just 'counting my blessings.' I felt like I was... filled. It was a unique experience.
Yes, we are going to do IVF. Yes, I will still have good and bad days. BUT, if we don't have kids in this lifetime, we will be ok. We will play, dance, sing, and love for forever. And how perfect is that?!
I am complete.
I am happy.
And it's in large part because of him.
My most favorite post of yours yet!!! So glad you finally feel complete. It's a great feeling to finally come to that realization that everything will be okay if it ends up just being the two of you. I am also lucky to have a fantastic husband who was probably there before I was too! I feel now if babies end up coming to us it will be an added bonus to our fabulous life together :)
ReplyDeleteI just discovered you through an article my mom cut out for me (MormonTimes) and i can completely relate! I had infertility prior to being blessed with our son and have gone through it again over the last five and a half years (our son is 6 - what a miracle). I appreciate your insight and my heart breaks for you but your joy in the moment is fantastic. It's so easy to get caught up in our own timeline but the Lord does know the big picture and if it's not in this life, it'll be in the next....my son WILL have siblings in the eternities and I look forward to that :) Best of luck with everything :)
ReplyDeleteThanks ladies! I wish you both the very best as well. I know that the Lord will bless in the best of ways (whether it's my way or not) and I look forward to whatever is in store.
ReplyDeleteA friend of mine just mailed me your Mormon Times article so I thought I'd check out your fabulous blog. I don't entirely know what to write except to say keep going!!! My husband and I have struggled with infertility for 5 years and reading through your blog reminds me of so much of what I have felt. We know all too well the well meaning yet hurtful comments, sometimes very public humiliation, and constant yearning that goes along with wanting something you know is right but may not be right, right now. Just like you, I have a most wonderful husband, and have realized again and again what a huge blessing in my life our relationship is. So many couples have to struggle with their marriage and we have never felt that pain. Just like you are doing, I've found again and again that the Lord has much for me to do right now. There are ways I have been able to serve that would have been impossible with a child in the mix and I have felt so much joy from those opportunities. I'm currently serving as the Stake Young Women's president and LOVING all the marvelous time I can devote to all my girls and their leaders. My hubby and I have been able to grow together in unique and marvelous ways and love and cherish the children of friends and family that we have been blessedly surrounded by. Sounds like you are filling your time with marvelous things. That is what this life is all about, and what parenthood teaches us, to think of others more than ourselves. It is so hard when life takes a turn we don't anticipate but as you mentioned, Heavenly Father knows what we need to be most happy. He knows this experience is EXACTLY what you need for you to become the happiest you possible. Who knows what the future will hold, but we can be assured that as we follow the gospel the Lord's choicest blessings are in store(in his own time frame). I don't know you but I feel I love you already!!! Just remember, you are doing great. The Lord trusts you very much to let you work your way through this trial :)
ReplyDeleteYour post brought tears to my eyes. Thank you for sharing, Jill. You are such an amazing example to me and I am so thrilled that you feel filled and complete.
ReplyDeleteHi, I found you through MormonTimes, too. This is an incredibly moving post. I have been thinking about infertility from a different side of the issue: whether I can help infertile couples have children by being a gestational carrier. I have read in the Handbook that the church strongly discourages surrogate motherhood. Do you know whether the church differentiates surrogates and gestational carriers? I have been able to find very little on the topic. I don't want to do anything the Brethren discourage.
ReplyDeleteBeautiful post. Your words have definitely resonated with me. Moments like that, when you are able to find joy in the simple moments, are what make it all worthwhile aren't they? It is possible to feel complete, even if you can't have children. I needed that reminder. Thank you so much for sharing.
ReplyDeletebeautiful jill.. you are a special women. we sure love you and still pray for you. I love thoughts that help us learn things in our life or help us along. love you jill
ReplyDeleteLOVE IT! I feel the positive attitude and love it! =)
ReplyDeleteLove this post! It's amazing when you get 'there', huh? It took me a failed IVF cycle to get there but I'm 'there' too. We will do IVF again, but I'm SO happy if all it's just us forever. He's my family.
ReplyDeleteJill-- this is a part of your life I didn't know about. Not that I should since I don't know you super well but wow. I teared up reading this post. What a beautiful realization. I'm still rooting for you though in your quest to be a momma! You will be great at it! *Positive vibes and lots of prayer for you and your husband*
ReplyDelete