The last few days have been hard. Who knows why? In some ways the hard days have been harder with our daunting plan always poking at me in the back of my mind. I can't shake the discouraging reality of $$$. It's pathetic how that silly paper can run our lives, even emotionally. I've determined I am not going to let it.
We found out some bad news this week. $26,000 instead of $12,000. Ok. Then yesterday for some reason I became completely unstable at church. I couldn't get it together.
It had already been a hard couple of days. There were baby blessings (of course, fast sunday), but I was ready for it. The first one, a little boy. I'm ok. The second blessing was a little girl, cutest little family blessed with two darling boys (one who we teach in our sunbeams class) and now this precious little girl. Her dad and the other men circled around her to give her a name and a blessing. In the blessing her dad said, "I bless you to be able to have children..."
I came unglued.
These words for some reason made me start...grieving (for lack of a better term) like I never had before. I thought of all the women out there who are, have, and will struggle with "being able." What if this new little one would have to? I thought of my friends and those who I have come in contact with through this blog, all women who are good and deserving wanna-be mothers. Why so hard for us?! I thought of my own struggle (pity party moment) and how badly I just want my babies here. I will do whatever it takes... And all of this just hurt my heart. I was physically, emotionally, and mentally hurting.
Then everywhere I looked in that chapel, I saw babies, and I couldn't take it anymore. We left with me cowering and hiding my sobs. I felt embarrassed and silly.
Oh to be able ...
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Jill, sending love, hugs and prayers your way.
ReplyDeleteOh Jilly..I am so sorry to hear that yesterday was so rough..I can so remember..I just started going to Fast Sunday's late and missing the blessings..you do what you have to do. You took me back to a sad moment in my journey when you talked about wondering about this sweet baby girl and her future fertility. When we found out Hallie was a girl..I expected to have amazing feelings of joy..and I did..but I didn't expect the immediate feelings of saddness and pleading with Heavenly Father to please please spare this tiny little baby girl I was carrying from the heart wrenching pain and hell of infertility. It is amazing how many ways this 'journey' can effect you. Obviously I don't know my girls future, but if infertility is apart of their lives...I will be forever grateful to be by their sides so as you say..they don't have to do it alone! Love you girl and hoping for brighter days soon! ((HUGS))
ReplyDeleteJill, this breaks my heart. I love you and hope that things are looking up and you're feeling a little better with a new week. I will just keep praying for you. I just pulled your article up now and am going to read it. LOVE YOU so much and am praying for you.
ReplyDeleteI don't know you, but I could remember how I came unglued many times at church. Most of the ward was clueless and judgmental, so it was a hard time for us. My husband is infertile, so we did IUI. We have been blessed with two little girls through this procedure. Almost 8 years after my first was born, I still remember how it felt. I wish you all the best.
ReplyDeleteJill, I'm so sorry! I understand the baby blessings stuff but in a different ache and hurt. Know that I'm thinking of you and praying for you. You are amazing! I just read your article. It was perfect. So glad you are expressing things. I'm sure you are helping more people than you can even imagine. You are wonderful! Love you! I hope you know I'm here for you ANYTIME!
ReplyDeletewhat an interesting phrase for him to use. i think i would have come unglued, too. sometimes you just can't help it. i had a similar "coming undone" at a relief society activity where everyone at the table i was sitting at was pregnant or had just had a baby and all they did was complain and talk about how hard it is to be a stay-at-home mom. i hope that one day i will better understand their frustrations, but at the time i just wanted to yell at them that they should be so grateful to be mothers!
ReplyDeletehope your week looks up and is only filled with good news from here on out!
I'm a first timer to your blog, and already I am blown away by how similar our experiences are. My husband and I were at a Stake Conference in a young married ward at BYU. Each speaker talked of the joy of children and how they're so glad they didn't put it off... I sat through the whole meeting shaking with sobs, with my husband's arms around me. I kept hoping I could pull it together.
ReplyDeleteIn reflecting, I hope it's OK if I share one thought - having been (and in many ways still am) where you are: it's been comforting to me to realize, that when our babies do come, this waiting period won't seem so long. It will just be history. I promise. 6 years after that conference, my husband and I now have two little boys. I never got pregnant. Two other girls did and shared their miracles with me. And literally, that time of waiting that felt it would never end, feels like a dot in history.
Your babies are out there. No matter how they come. They ARE coming. You ARE a mother already. You have children already. You're just waiting to me them. And you will. :)
I often cry in Church. Sadly, Sunday is my most difficult day of the week. I cry all the time. It's ok to cry and to feel... or at least that is what I tell myself.
ReplyDeleteOne Sunday my husband was holding a friends baby who is 8 months old, when an elderly man in our ward came up to him and said "enjoy them while you can, they grow up so fast." I lost it knowing that we haven't been able to enjoy that yet. Church can be emotional, but Heavenly Father knows our pains and that is when we must fall to our knees and pray.
Thanks for your support and for sharing your own experiences. Sundays can be a lonely day indeed, but I at times can see small messages that seem to be just for me if I listen and look for them.
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