I did get some surprising emails as well. I'll explain.
I spent the day Monday crying on/off reading email after email of well wishes, stories of hope, advice, and getting introduced to sisters in the struggle (the "club" if you will - please don't join). I now have more women to pray for unfortunately, but that many more opportunities to celebrate the day they tell me their little miracle happened.
Another facet of this perspective has come that I didn't anticipate. Unfortunately I was hurt by some. I feel like some women who at one point experienced the lonliness of infertility...forget somehow. They forget how it feels to deal. Perhaps they get caught up finally being knee deep in diapers and chasing toddlers that they look back on their former self and laugh, as if she were some silly girl who didn't realize the good things that were going to happen. I was advised to "stop crying..."
I'm sorry. I'm not able to see the future. All I can see is what I learn from the past. I can tell you honestly that everything I've learned through this experience is what I've allowed myself to feel during it. To feel, is to learn. So I will not change or appologize for how I currently feel, whether it is hope or discouragement or even sadness. I will feel. And I encourage you to do the same. There is no shame in this.
Crying to me does not mean weekness, hopelessness, or depression. It means I'm letting my heart hurt and heal and learn what I need to. So excuse me for not taking that advice. I will stay hopeful, but I will also cry when I feel like I need to cry. I hope that when (note the positive thinking) I have babies of my own, I won't "look back at my former self and tell her to stop crying." I'm going to look back at her and see the growth that comes from feeling through painful learning experiences. This is a process afterall. And feeling is a big part of it.
Keep feeling "club" memebers!..and may I suggest to the alumni, remember.
Jill, I think you are completely right about "feeling" it. You are so smart with how you approach this and you have taught me SO MUCH. It makes me sad that someone would tell you to "stop crying" especially if it was someone who has been through this. Love you girlie and keep hanging in there.
ReplyDeleteJill--I hope I have never sent you words that seemed insensitive or "forgetful". I honestly admire and respect your sincerity and your willingness to feel this process. You are an incredible example of strength and persistence even while the tears are coming. If I have hurt you at all in any way, I deeply apologize and hope you will forgive me.
ReplyDeleteJill, you keep hopping into that shower of yours and having a good cry. (That is the best place to do so, after all..) I truly believe it's good for the soul. Everyone has their own battles and trials to overcome and we all do it in completely different ways. You are doing it beautifully by sharing your struggles and losses with others to be an inspiration to the many woman who struggle along with you. Keep being a light. I know you will. :)
ReplyDeleteLove you Jill. Love you.
ReplyDeletebeautifully written. it makes me so angry when people who once experienced the awful emotions of infertility criticize others for trying to deal with it. i think you're very brave for putting it all out there, and i'm sorry for the insensitive emails you've had to read through!
ReplyDeleteBeautiful post!! I've had people tell me the same thing. "Stop Crying." I am so with you, and everything you wrote was things that I have thought and said as well. Those people are just insensitive and have no idea what you're going through. Thank you for your post! I read it to my hubby, and he said "People are so stupid!" he was mad at them for saying that. Just remember those of us who are totally 100% with you!!! I have a sister in law who only had to try for 3 months and she is always telling me how hard it was for her to get pregnant knowing full well that I've been trying for over 3 years. Good luck! We'll get our babies soon! :)
ReplyDeleteJill! I feel like I should have warned you about that :( For all the good emails I get about what I write, there always seems to be the couple of people who felt the need to write me and tell me some horrible things about myself and my writing. I have made it a point to never write those people back. There is no point. I did once- to defend myself or explain the situation, and I only got another email back pointing out more mistakes within my email. Those are the types of people who just don't have anything else to do. They are people who usually don't understand hardship. If someone can't offer compassion or constructive criticism, it is not worth your time. I'm so sorry you received those emails :(
ReplyDeletePerfectly said! Love you!
ReplyDeleteWell said Jill. Some people are emotionally stunted and it's their coping mechanism to shove it all away. Feel away, at least you are being truthful to yourself!
ReplyDeletepeople are rude.!.. I love you jilly and alno
ReplyDeleteI just found your blog through the Mormon Times and I wish I could just hug you. My husband and I struggled through infertility for 5 1/2 yrs before being blessed to adopt our first - a beautiful little boy. Since that time we have adopted two more treasured daughters and then we returned to the fertility experts. After working with a new dr (after several who refused to acknowledge what I thought was going on) I was diagnosed with PCOS, put on medications and did two IUI procedures. We are currently 10 1/2 weeks along and feel blessed beyond measure (our children are also ecstatic and can't wait until they can feel the baby move).
ReplyDeleteOne of the things I realized when we went back into the "fray" if you will was that the stress and emotion and everything else of infertility doesn't go away even if you have found peace and joy and happiness in your life. It was back the moment I first called the dr. I will be honest, I will be the first person who will tell you to grieve and feel and find things that bring you joy because you have to be able to find happiness in the life you are living, not just the life you are waiting for. It sounds like you are doing just that and encouraging others to do the same. My heart aches for you, yet it also anticipates the joys that are ahead (I don't know how far, I wish I did). My prayers are with you and your sweet husband and I hope you continue to dream and hope (and feel) and encourage the sisterhood that you are a part of.
Hugs.
Sunny
Thank you so much for your words. I just read your article and found your blog through it. As I go through infertility, I find myself telling people that sometimes it's hard to talk about it, but it's even harder to not talk about it. So thank you for being willing to open up and share your experience, even at the price of opening yourself up to potentially more hurt. I'll pray for you and the little spirits waiting to come to you. :)
ReplyDeleteThank you all for your comments. My heart goes out to each of you and I hope you find it your right to feel through this as well. Talk to me anytime you need to. It'll be good for me too. :) Much love!
ReplyDeleteI just found your blog, and have been so touched by your words. You have a beautiful talent for sharing those painful parts of yourself, and I am certain that there are probably more people than you will even know about that have been touched by your example. We need more people like you, who are willing to share their hearts for the benefit of others. Sending good thoughts your way! :)
ReplyDelete