Being a mother is something I have waited and prayed for since I was a young girl mothering dolls. After 4 years of infertility, tests and procedures that failed 100% of the time, we were blessed with a miracle. I have become passionate about helping others through the struggle of infertility and have started a non-profit organization in order to reach out to people across the country.

It has been a process of sorts to be open enough to talk about this part of me, but it is now something that I choose to embrace and appreciate, as I have learned more and more about myself and my purpose.

I hope this blog can be a place where you can find strength and support through others who know the struggle. Please feel free to contact me with questions, advice, or any and all venting. I know that with the help of each other, we can overcome this struggle...or at least handle it in a way that will leave us better for it.

Welcome to my blog - My Journey To Fertility.

Sunday, July 17, 2011

Returned to Tears

This week I headed back to Dr Heiner's office. I had some things to take care of with Pound the Pavement and I wanted to get a copy of my records. I need a second opinion about our weird and unexplained failed cycle. I've found an amazing internationally renowned physician. Well, he found me. More about him in my next post... (amazing I tell you)

I walked into RCC, and I instantly felt my eyes feel with tears. I didn't expect it to be so emotional, but why wouldn't it be? Here I had some incredibly spiritual experiences. Here I was given heart-breaking news. Here is where a part of me died...

I fought back tears the whole time I was speaking with Michelle Richards, clinic manaager. I'm not sure I want to know what she could possibly be thinking about me. She's a lovely lady.

As I was leaving, ready to let go of the emotions I was holding back, the receptionist says, "You're the girl who set up Pound the Pavement? That's such an amazing organization. Without people like you, so many couples could never afford IVF..." At that point I wanted to crumple into a ball with sobs right then and there. Instead, I thanked her.

As soon as the doors to that forever special clinic shut behind me, the tears came. They didn't stop for 30 minutes either. I texted a wonderful and understanding friend who tried to provide comfort.

Why is it still so hard?
Why can't we just start another cycle now?...
Why am I the only one left?...

Rough days lately. Allen and I are planning some big changes in order for us to afford these treatments. Now it's a waiting game I'm afraid. Again. Hoping I can be blessed with patience.

I just want a baby...
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5 comments:

  1. Iuliana@Hip2ThriftJuly 17, 2011 at 8:39 AM

    You are amazing. Speaking of amazing...I remember when I couldn't get pregnant (we tried for 3 years)...people around me (who I love and respect) kept telling I was doing so well and that I am amazing...and all that. I was often overcome by thoughts like: I don't want to be amazing, I don't to be strong...I just want a baby. I know I don't know how you feel, because we all feel differently. I wish I could help.

    Hugs.

    ReplyDelete
  2. SarahJuly 17, 2011 at 8:51 AM

    Love you, Jil..

    ReplyDelete
  3. KristinJuly 17, 2011 at 5:57 PM

    I love you sweet girl. Anything else I try to say just doesn't seem right.

    ReplyDelete
  4. AprilJuly 17, 2011 at 8:08 PM

    Lots of prayers, just for you.

    ReplyDelete
  5. ChelseaJuly 19, 2011 at 1:01 PM

    Oh Jill, I am sorry. I am sorry that it has to be so dang hard. Love you.

    ReplyDelete

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