Being a mother is something I have waited and prayed for since I was a young girl mothering dolls. After 4 years of infertility, tests and procedures that failed 100% of the time, we were blessed with a miracle. I have become passionate about helping others through the struggle of infertility and have started a non-profit organization in order to reach out to people across the country.

It has been a process of sorts to be open enough to talk about this part of me, but it is now something that I choose to embrace and appreciate, as I have learned more and more about myself and my purpose.

I hope this blog can be a place where you can find strength and support through others who know the struggle. Please feel free to contact me with questions, advice, or any and all venting. I know that with the help of each other, we can overcome this struggle...or at least handle it in a way that will leave us better for it.

Welcome to my blog - My Journey To Fertility.

Thursday, May 26, 2011

100%

I think I have had 15,000 different posts start in my head over the last few weeks. FIFTEEN THOUSAND. I KNOW! (said like Monica Geller) Needless to say, much has been going on in the life of Jilly and Marv. 99.0% of it has made me happy, hopeful, grateful, and amazed. The other 1%...that negative, daunting, lonely 1% that seems to always be looming, well, is there an escape from it?

I've lately been trying to determine how I can possibly create a life where I can be 100% happy. Perfectly satisfied. And Marv too. Maybe that is unrealistic? But I don't think so.

I'm a dreamer. Since I said 'yes' to Marv, I have dreamed up a delightful life for us. And I immediately started dreaming of our children. Because of recent events, my dreams have been forced to move beyond a child. I really have no choice after a failed (and unbelievable abnormal) IVF cycle, do I? Perhaps a defense or coping mechanism? I don't know, but up until a few months ago, I really only had the dream of motherhood. A dream that included Marv being dad to some chubby goodness looking particularly like us. I dreamed of taking pictures of this child fishing with Marv, cooking with me, and camping with us. What a dream.

I think it has kept me pre-occupied. I think it actually has kept me too occupied. Why have I kept that 1% on hold, unable to enjoy it as if it were happiness reserved only if children moved from dream to reality? Why have I held myself (and my Marv) back from fully enjoying our lives together? It's too bad. Life really can be too wonderful to not enjoy it fully.

So here I am. Repentant and hopeful for the life we are creating together. Whatever it turns out to be, I know it can be fantastic if I choose to let that 99% of good finally overtake that measley ever-lingering 1%. Silly. And exciting.
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2 comments:

  1. CarlyMay 27, 2011 at 8:06 AM

    i've had these same thoughts lately, too. it's interesting trying to find something that can fill the void of being a mother at least for the time being. thank you for sharing!

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  2. Sarah OmanJune 7, 2011 at 7:11 AM

    Jill, my heart goes out to you. I admire your courage to feel and take hold of the situation. You are an example to me. If only we could all be so aware of ourselves and try to reach our potential. :)

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