"Not yet. It's so frustrating! I keep telling her it's time..."
That's the conversation I walked into at work today.
I didn't butt in.
I'm still the new guy, you see.
"She'll be 28! And they're not even close! It's going to be too late to start their family if she doesn't hurry. She's gotta have at least 5 grandbabies for me!" (chuckles)
I instantly hurt for this woman, this "she" I didn't even know.
What if she has been trying to have a baby?
How could this wanna-be-grandma expect this of her daughter-in-law?
"28 and not even close?"
I'm 28.
I'm "not even close" either.
I felt nauseous.
Today was a yucky day for me. It was one of those days where I was slapped in the face by life; where I had expected myself to be...and where I actually am. I'm 28. I have not yet graduated with a college degree. No baby. And is her pregnancy really almost over?! All these little realities made me want to escape to somewhere, a place where I can go on adventures; where I can explore and experience new places with just my Marv and my camera. I want to get away from all of the expectations I dared have for myself. I want to get out of this routine of work and watching pregnancies.
It's getting old (and that 'it's' can include me, I suppose). And remember this? Here we go again I'm afraid...
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Being a mother is something I have waited and prayed for since I was a young girl mothering dolls. After 4 years of infertility, tests and procedures that failed 100% of the time, we were blessed with a miracle. I have become passionate about helping others through the struggle of infertility and have started a non-profit organization in order to reach out to people across the country.
It has been a process of sorts to be open enough to talk about this part of me, but it is now something that I choose to embrace and appreciate, as I have learned more and more about myself and my purpose.
It has been a process of sorts to be open enough to talk about this part of me, but it is now something that I choose to embrace and appreciate, as I have learned more and more about myself and my purpose.
I hope this blog can be a place where you can find strength and support through others who know the struggle. Please feel free to contact me with questions, advice, or any and all venting. I know that with the help of each other, we can overcome this struggle...or at least handle it in a way that will leave us better for it.
Welcome to my blog - My Journey To Fertility.
Welcome to my blog - My Journey To Fertility.
Pound the Pavement For Parenthood, NPO
Contact
Please feel free to email me. I would love to hear from you if you want to talk, ask questions, or contribute to this blog.
jillywitt@gmail.com
jillywitt@gmail.com
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Jill,
ReplyDeleteI read this and immediately started crying! I feel like we keep going in these waves of "I'm Okay" and "now I'm not okay" at the exact same moment! I truly do need my "Jill time". Not everyone understands the stress infertility causes. No one can see the pain and suffering in your head when you see a pregnant woman or a darling child. I'm wishing you and I could just go away with our husbands and "live life" for a bit without being surrounded by kids and pregnant women or worrying about infertility. I'm sorry that hellish cycle is starting over for you too! This truly sucks! I love you with all my heart Miss Jilly Witt!!!!! All my heart!
I'm turning 28 on this week... I'm "not even close" either. Totally feel with you and for this "she" in the conversation. Bah!
ReplyDeletesorry you had a bad day...
ReplyDeleteJill:
ReplyDeleteI'm so sorry!! I love you and wish so badly I could just take it all away. I hope you know you can always run away to the southern part of the state....we have a basement always waiting for you. I know it's not too adventurous but at least it's away. I will be saying some extra prayers for you the next little while. You are amazing!!! Love you!
35....was my magic number. But by then you are preparing for "never." Who was I with "never?" But I vowed to never, ever forget the Club....and that I was once a long time member. So I didn't complain, I tried to stay present in EVERY moment, in EVERY round of morning sickness, in EVERY ache and pain and contraction and swollen feet, and, and, and.....because we shouldn't ever forget. I once told a woman off who was being unkind to her child in the grocery store......and I'd do it again. Every woman should have to long to be a mother, to value what it is like to be without. Thank you for the reminder, Jill. Lots of love and prayers are headed your way today.
ReplyDelete